Wow. She learned what buttons to push. She learned the "l'm bored, better at moms," routine not at her therapist. And dh fell right for it. YSd tried this with her dad and we were sole custody, bm is dead. Her escape was aunt. His response was "I have some dishes for you to do, if you're so bored. We can do them together, you rinse and I'll watch."

The way your dh jumped sounds very Disney dad. She succeeded in separating him from you. He needs to nip that in the bud otherwise he's going to have a so much bigger problem in 2 years. He needs to understand teen girls are by their very nature manipulative. Does not matter from intact or divorce families.

She sounds like a spoiled brat / mini-wife. Why don't you go out and do other things and leave DH with her. It really won't be fun for her to take DH's attention all the time if you are not there to be annoyed. I think she is competing with you and trying to get to you. Even negative attention is attention.

I get how you feel and problem is DH will often baby their DD's especially after divorce. DH sounds like the typical guilty Disney Dad on Step-talk.

She is the child, you and DH are the adults - DH needs to man up and treat her accordingly. If he lets her run the show now it will only get worse.

I think your DH is trying to make 2 women happy. And we know that hardly EVER happens!

But that being said ... part of her tactic is to let you remain left out. This is their special club and you are not included. So how to change the dynamic?

One thing I did to gain my s/sons attention and respect was to put DH in his place if her overstepped the boundaries. For instance DH once started saying pissy things about his ex. The comments were true but his sons didn't need to hear about it. Their parents are divorced so one can assume not a lot of love is lost between them! I told DH "Please do not talk about *name* like that. It is unnecessary and just mean." HE stopped.

You could have done the same thing "Please, don't ask SD what is wrong and push her for answers right now with me here. It is uncomfortable for me and most likely her as well."

And you can let them hang out all weekend. Sitting around with Daddyio all the time will not be all that great. Especially if you are out getting your nails done, checking out the mall, doing something she is likely to want to do.

As for the sleepover... DH should instruct her with "If you want to make plans for a sleepover you need to check with me first. I want to know where you are going and who is going to be there. The next time you tell me of your plans and don't ask the answer will be no. And all the crying and slamming of doors will not change my mind. You must ASK. I am responsible for you. And just like your mother being concerned for your diet and feeding you healthy food I am concerned for your safety. So mom gives you healthy food and I make sure you are safe when you are here. That makes us good parents..."

I hate it when kids tell me what their plan is. 12 yr olds are not renown for their good decision-making skills.

So maybe the next time she is over mention something like .. "SD, I am so glad you are here. I have girl-plans and your dad would be lonely here all by himself. I have an appointment for nails and hair.. got to check out the spring styles... You can come if you want. But f you want to stay with your Dad I understand..."

This way you are 'engaging' her but giving her an out to hang with her dad while you shop (or not. You can always buy a knick knack and say nothing REALLY caught your eye but you stocked up on socks).

I think she wants to connect with your DH, and him playing Disney Dad is a way of keeping her at a distance. He's putting her in a role that is unrealistic. We complain of it as mini-wife syndrom, but it's not a WIFE he's treating her like, it's like he's trying to impress her. She knows it's false, he knows it's false, but it's all they've got and SM coming to the table saying 'dating your daughter is weird and that's how you two interact' is seriously threatening to both of them.

He is creating a monster and is falling for her manipulation. I'd educate your DH with reading material bc if you explain this to a Disney dad, it most likely will be taken as a personal attack in his eyes. I think he does mean well and is trying to be a good parent who is involved but he is blind to the damage that this is causing. I'm sure that she will pull the "I don't want to visit you dad" card when he does put his foot down, if he does put his foot down.

I've been there where you are at now and its like pulling teeth when you are trying to get through to the father. I drug my DH here to Step Talk so he could SEE what I was talking about. Many may not agree with how I did it or would not be wanting their spouse to know what they are saying/venting but it did wonders for our communication.

The cockiness and acting like an adult and commenting on things as though she's an authority is absolutely typical for her age. I tell you that just to try and depersonalise those issues because they're definitely not specific to her. And I do know how annoying it is. You either have to laugh silently, ignore it, or deliver a put down, and if you do too much of the latter they will take offence!

On the Daddy hogging - research suggests that the strength of a girls relationship with her Dad is crucial to her self esteem as she enters puberty. The trouble is that a strong relationship requires honesty and boundaries and being able to say no as well as knowing when to say yes. Not just quantity of time spent together, or an artificially intense on focus on the child's wishes. Yes some spoiling and indulging can be a good thing in making a child feel loved and valued, especially when they have limited time with a parent, but not every weekend and not all weekend. SD may think she wants the weekend to revolve around her, but being able to tell her Dad what to do won't actually make her feel secure, it'll make her feel insecure because he's not acting like the stable authority figure. Unfortunately it's nigh on impossible to get a NCP to understand this, or change behaviour motivated by insecurity and fear.

Because of your own childhood you are probably particularly badly placed to tolerate the situation. If I were you I would try to do one 'quality time' thing with them each weekend - eat out, watch a movie etc, to show willing, and then do your own thing for most of the remainder of the time. It will just drive you insane waiting around while they go on dates, and if you object to the dates it will cause friction. If you go merrily on your way with friends/hobby/job DH may find he misses having you around and will come to the conclusion he needs more time with you. It works a lot better if they come to that conclusion themselves.

1. the therapist is an idiot
2. your SD is a manipulator
3. your DH is an idiot
4. the end

"she tries to act like an adult with me and it's bothers me. "

Then let her, and don't let it bother you.

If she acts like an adult with you, treat her like an adult.

Don't cook for her, don't clean for her, don't pay for her, don't drive her, make her do all the things an adult can do and if she can't (drive, cook proper meals, etc.) then too bad - she's an adult, right? So it's not your problem.

That may or may not fix it, but at least it'll spare you the stress.

Ugh! Yet another mini wife with clueless disney dad.

Op - your DH is in a relationship with his kid, not you. If he is focusing on her WANTS and not her NEEDS then he is a disney dad. He needs to learn two very important things (thanks to STalk, I got this gold advice!).

#1 Priority - YOU
#1 Responsibility - his kid

For the sake of his relationship, he needs to sort this out. His main focus should be on your happiness and strengthening your relationship. Making sure that his kid knows that you are his partner, he supports you and you are a united front.

My SO did exactly this same thing - he would try to keep her happy and fall over himself doing so. After counselling, he's woken up to the fact that he was raising an emotionally stunted child. He wasn't guiding her through our relationship and was pretty much focused on her WANTS. She WANTED me gone - didn't want him in a relationship, regardless.

Counsellor advised us to look at our relationship like an onion. If the core of the onion is rotten, you throw it out. Only TWO people can be in the core - that you and your hubby. The outer layers signify the others - i.e. kids, family, friends, acquaintainces. Each layer signifies a boundary. Problem starts when one tries to cross over into the other. E.g. your hubby and his daughter are sitting in the inner core and you are in an outer layer. That's why you feel the way you do. I felt like this early in our relationship adn thought I was losing my mind. Who the hell wants to be made to feel as though they are in competition with a kid?

Unfortunately, actions of your DH and his daughter are making you feel like an outsider, yes? So, he has to learn to push her out of the core, and keep you in there with him. The sooner he starts to guide her and teach her, the sooner she'll adapt.

Hopefully, your DH gets it. Otherwise, he may have to seriously consider spending the rest of his life alone..on standby for his daughter.. who will be off living her life merrily and not worrying about him.

/

SD sounds like a "sourpuss," and once a sourpuss, always a sourpuss. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that she's pulling the same story at her mom's house. "Dad lets me watch tv and eat cereal for dinner."

SD sounds like a "sourpuss," and once a sourpuss, always a sourpuss. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that she's pulling the same story at her mom's house. "Dad lets me watch tv and eat cereal for dinner."