This lady has issues and obviously is not concerned about the welfare of her own child. My stepchildren's BM is the same way. I don't think we will ever understand 'their' mentalities. They are creating their own unhappiness and will continue to live in it so long as they choose to do so. Just don't let her drag you down. My DH and I set up seperate conferences for our kids as well... we simply won't go there with our exs therefore we take care of things on our end, and they can choose to do what they want on their ends.... not our concern. I would suggest that your husband end any conversation immediately if she starts giving him crap about not attending the meeting without you... why would he attend the meeting without you? I expect that my ex will be bringing his wife to his conferences just as I bring my DH to mine. I have never run into an issue with schools having a problem with this. It would be great if everyone could just get along and put the kids and their best interests first.... unfortunately it doesn't always happen that way. Keep things seperate.... Don't let her scare you away or she will get what she wants.

I am both a BM and SM, and over the years I have learned one thing: trying to insert myself in the family dynamic that my husband has with SM with his kids is asking for trouble on many fronts. And likewise with my ex and his second wife (my son's stepmom). To me, it is an issue of respect for the family dynamic that existed before you and will exist as long as the children are alive. We may not agree with the reason why she chooses to act the way she does, but above all, those are THEIR children and they are the ones to decide who and what affects them, regardless of what I think of it. In fact, my husband's ex probably wouldn't care if I attended conference because she acknowledges I have been good to her kids and she respects me (especially when it comes to education), but I respect her enough not to make her feel uncomfortable, insecure, or take on business that isn't really mine. Truly, it isn't really my business when it comes right down to it. It's hard enough for kids to deal with 2 parents trying to make decisions for them who don't always see eye-to-eye and I do not want to add to the difficulty, even unknowingly. I am not ultimately the one to affect any change for the kids should it be necessary, unless the BM is physically not in the picture for whatever reason. My business is to set a good example for the children and support them in any way in which I am asked to do so. Why would I want to force myself into that relationship? Likewise, as a BM I do not want my son's SM inserting herself into the dynamic I have with my son's father. She has tried to do so with disastrous results, because she does not share my parenting philosophy, or the philosophy that my ex and I have established as precedent. That's just a fact. If she shared it, I may not have such a problem with her. I cannot change the way she feels, but I can change how I react to it. It has nothing to do with the circumstances of my divorce from my ex. Do I expect her to set a good example and care about what happens to my son's schooling by supporting his efforts? Yes. Do I want her attending conferences? No. So honestly, remain concerned and speak with your husband to keep apprised of what's going on with the kids scholastically, at least until the kids are older and have more of a voice of their own. She will never be able to put those feelings aside and that is indeed a shame, but understand that the reasons for respecting her need to keep the dynamic between her, the father of their child and the child without any intereference from others, regardless of the reasons why. It will be better for all of you in the long run, especially the children. I speak from experience on both ends of the spectrum.

You are to be commended for your concern, and it is a shame she cannot see that and is considering all of the wrong reasons in making her stand on how you should be involved. Your SKs will see it eventually, and when they are older and have more of a voice of their own, she will not be able to keep you away when they are asking for you to be there. And they will ask! Yes, they will! Mine are just now starting to do that since they are early teens. And she will look bad if she tries to make disparaging remarks or speak ill of you to teachers or other school personnel. Trust me...hang tight and it will all come around in the end.