How does coordination between bio parents work for you?
I may be a bit premature with this post but I want to start getting prepared. The doctors have suggested that my SD6 may have a chronic illness (cystic fibrosis). The first tests came back indeterminate so they are sending her to an out of town specialist. Up until now my husband hasn't been able to attend most of her doctors appointments because he works and BM seems unable to accommodate that fact and either work around his schedule or give him more than a day's notice of appointments. However obviously they are both keen to go to the appointment with the specialist. (I think BM wants the moral support, plus probably is counting on my husband paying for the trip). It will be a day trip to the hospital and because neither us nor the BM owns a car, if the appointment ends up being early morning it may involve an overnight stay. I do not want to go because I don't think it is my place and also because BM and I have a strained relationship so we are currently avoiding each other. I worry about it turning into a "family day out" and worry about them spending too much time together. I trust my husband, but I don't trust BM, who has actively tried to break us up and get back with him. I also think that it is confusing for SD6 to see her parents behaving as if they are a happy family. I agree they should go to the appointment together, and possibly the go have lunch/coffee to discuss the outcome of the appointment, but I don't think they should be travelling together and spending all day together.
I know that this is a first outing and if it turns out she does have it, it is a long road and will involve lots of coordination between the bioparents. I am hoping that if it happens BM will mature in her attitude and become more cooperative, but can see that it could easily go the other way. I also worry about all the time my husband and her may potentially have to spend together in the future.
Talking it over with my husband last night he said he was worried about the tests and the illness, but he was also really worried about our relationship and how we would survive this, I'd like to be as prepared and pre-warned as we can be.
How do you and your partner do it? How has the kids illness/disability affected your relationship with your partner and also interactions with BM?
You have to step back from
You have to step back from this one. This is about the child and if you let a major medical appointment be another cause of strain, it could become too much.
Trust your husband. That is all you can do. IF it turns out that SD has CF there is going to be a lot of communication between all caregivers at all times. This is a really big deal for SD, try not to be selfish and insecure here. I know that it is tearing you up, I know it would bother me immensely. But the only other thing you can do is go, you are your husbands wife and a caregiver to the child, it is not wrong of you to be a part of this.
^^^^ Exactly!
^^^^
Exactly!
YOu and DH need to discuss
YOu and DH need to discuss whatever is considered most appropriate for getting up there. I would suggest to rent a car and go with him. However, given the seriousness of the the health of a child, it far proceeds some discomfort you may feel with the parents being in proximity.
Thanks for your
Thanks for your understanding. I do not want to be at the appointment and my husband doesn't want me to be their either. The last time I saw BM I had to call the cops on her after she refused to leave the house and pushed me to the ground in my own home in front of her daughter. My husband has said that she is like two people, she can be really sweet at times and at others she is a complete b***h who fails to apply any sort of logic. I am hoping that the tests show that SD doesn't have CF (she has some of the symptoms but not some of the the more common ones). But even then there will be more investigations as to what it is that is wrong with her. Hopefully it will work out like it did for you and the medical issues will force her to be more grown-up and cooperative and it will help our situation, but I can also see her just getting more protective of her daughter and her position as BM.
Thanks for the feedback. I
Thanks for the feedback. I know that this is serious and I have absolutely no intention of hindering my SD's access to the proper care. I am planning on trusting my husband to handle this first appointment how he feels best and seeing how it goes from there. I understand that my post comes across as very self-centered, and I admit that it is. It is one of the concerns that I have including being concerned for her health. Thinking through these issues is the one thing that I can do to try to have some sort of control/planning/involvement in and hopefully make this situation easier on everyone in the long run.
We could hire a car, but only I can drive and I am uncomfortable being involved in this trip in any way as I don't want to seem to be stepping on BM toes as I agree it is absolutely a situation that the two bio-parents have to tackle together without feeling that I am interfering. Once we know the timing of the appointment we can work out the transport arrangements.
How does the situation work for you as the months and years roll on? Have you been able to come to a good working arrangement with the other parent? Are there any things that you have done to help the relationships all round?
Me and BM are fine. In fact I
Me and BM are fine. In fact I was just texting her to see if she could keep SS on Monday since me and DH have to work on Presidents day. Any communication with my exH, however, is always a gigantic battle. I am still being "punished" for leaving his retarded self. It just depends on the person and if both parties are willing to work together. BM knows that I am the primary parent and respects that. I know BM is SS's mom, and I don't want to take that place, even though SS calls me mom. I don't know why or how it works for us but it does.
I don't see the problem with
I don't see the problem with you going along to be moral support for your DH and you and him taking one vehicle and letting BM get a ride with her family or friends.
It doesn't mean you have to spend all of the time right at his and BM's side. You can sit in the waiting room or hotel, etc and spend the night if need be.
Can you suggest another family member maybe DH's sister or mother go along with him if you don't want to?
IMO, Just because they have a child together and both want to go to the specialist appointment does not mean they have to ride together, etc.
When my child had specialist appointments and major surgery out of town I rode in one car with my family he got his own ride with his family.
I don't blame you for wanting to avoid lots of alone time between your DH and BM, especially overnight visits. I would feel the same way.
Why give BM the opportunity to try to take advantage of the situation and why put DH in that position.
The family thing is a good
The family thing is a good suggestion, I may try that. He has family living in that city that would love to help out, I'm sure (finally the interfering in-laws come in handy!)
So it turns out I was jumping
So it turns out I was jumping the gun on worrying about this all. The appointment is in the middle of the day, so no overnights are necessary. Though it is telling that my husband thought that a good solution to an overnight trip would be if he got him and BM adjoining hotel rooms. Really???? I told him that it wasn't, anyway we didn't get anywhere with that argument and it turns out it won't be needed. Also my husband is apparently unable to get out of work on the day of the appointment, BM is unwilling to change the appointment claiming that the hospital won't let her, and my husband is unwilling to go behind her back and change it anyway (my suggestion). So BM is going alone with SD though it looks like my husband will be paying for their bus fare. Other news, it looks like SD isn't really that ill at all (we sort of suspected this all along) we had her 3 days/4 nights this weekend and she barely had any symptoms and she didn't need any of her medication. So hopefully this will just be an expensive doctors appointment.
Thanks for all of your advice though, it helped keep me sane.