Cant stand my step son!!
Help!!! I need advice on my situation.
I have been with my husband for 7 years, married 4. He has a son from a previous relationship who is now 12 and we have a son together who is 2. I have been in my stepsons life since he was 4 going on 5. His name is Alex. Alex's mother left him and my husband when Alex was 1yrs old. She is in his life currently. He sees her maybe once a year and talks and texts on a daily basis. My husband and his mother (Alex's grandmother) raised him until I got with my husband. Alex's grandmother has always given when what he wants, when he wants. Never been disciplined and had never had responsibility such as chores or anything like that. He was the boss of that house. He now lives with us in another state. This kid is so disrespectful, is a liar and manipulates big time. He does not listen to anyone, can care less about anything. I ask him to do chores and he will NOT do them. I take away his video games, computer, phone (which by the way, the grandmother bought them all without our consent) and he still does not care. He'll even sneak things and hide in his room with them after we tell him no. When he gets in trouble, he calls the grandma and of course that starts problems. For example, he has been grounded and since he got good grades his grandma goes and buys him a stupid video game, calls me and says "i know he's grounded but since he got good grades I bought him a game and I want you to let him play it. Even though he's grounded" BULLSHIT! Excuse my language. He runs to get and tells her EVERYTHING that goes on in this house. Including where we go, what we eat. When we don't have the snacks in the house that HE wants. He treats me horribly! He is a bully! He abuses my 2yr old son and my 9yr old niece. Yet he talks crap about bullies at school. I don't understand this kid. He doesn't even know how to put a shirt on a damn hanger. Sad! He's so used to his grandma doing everything for him! He has been living in our house for the past 3 yrs and STILL don't get it. My husband is sooooo mellow and calm and does not ever discipline him unless I throw a fit about it. Even then, he calmly tells him to stop. Doesn't work of course. He spanked him once and that's because I made him because he hit my 2yr old son. When he did spank him, the brat laughed and said "that felt like air". Ugh! He has mental issues that I am currently looking into finding a therapist but that's no excuse. The grandma calls and tells him not to listen to any therapist, that there's nothing wrong with him and we better not put him on medication. I've tried talking to her and putting her in her place but it doesn't work. He's a horrible kid and I can't stand him. I don't even like coming home cause I know he's there. I've literally tried everything. Any advice!?! Please help!!!
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Comments
How does DH feel about all
How does DH feel about all this? Have you two sat down and discussed what dad's expectations are of him and where dad forsees this kid ending up? Is dad in agreement with having him talk to someone?
At the very least this kid needs to see a therapist and find out if there are deeper issues such as mental health related.
Grandma needs butt out. Unless she has custody of him and is his guardian, she has no say in what actions are taken.
It sounds like perhaps your DH is so nonconfrontational that he allows people to walk all over him, including his own mother.
You are 100% right. He let's
You are 100% right. He let's everyone walk all over him. Including his mother. It's so sad. He just stays quiet. I've talked to him about everything and he agrees with me but won't take any actions. Thank you so much for your reply. I'm new to this and this was my first blog.
I don't know why you thought
I don't know why you thought this guy was going to parent his own child? He allowed his mother to raise this child from age 1 to 9. Everything was all dandy until 3yrs ago when suddenly he decides to move the kid into your home (you've been in kid's life since he was almost 5 and he moved to your house 3yrs ago, you'd been married roughly a year as you state married 4yrs, kid is 12 now).
It's not surprising that this kid sees his Gma as "mom". It's also not surprising that kid rats to Gma everytime SM expects kid to behave...the child was babied and spoiled receiving his own way for 9yrs by a woman who shouldn't have been parenting and 'mothering' him to begin with. Still now your DH isn't parenting this kid or being a father. Oh sure, kid now lives with DH but the only parenting kid gets is by you or when you force DH to. You've been set up to be the 'evil' SM, Gma is playing the role of overprotective crazy BM an DH is still just there with his head up his buns.
This isn't as simple as just telling Gma to butt out. And if the kid is pulling good grades he doesn't have a learning disability and likely not a behavioral issue at school or an inability to get along with others. he can't function properly in your home because he doesn't want to and his father doesn't want to insist upon it. If you try, well then kiddo calls in the 'big guns' aka Gma, the lady who has enabled him all his life.
If there is any chance of turning this around, it's going to have to be tried with professional assistance. A full physical/mental review of the child, counseling for the child and counseling for you and DH along with a crash course in 'how to parent a child who wasn't parented during the formative years'. You've already figured this out and acknowledge you're looking for a therapist for the kid, but there needs to be more. Spanking a 12yr and telling Gma to stay out isn't going to change what's lacking in your DH. Until DH realizes and faces and attempts to stand as a real parenting father here, all the therapy in the world just for SS isn't going to 'fix' Alex.
Why do you hate the kid?
Why do you hate the kid? Your husband was the one who created this mess? He stepped back and allowed his mother raise the child. He allows the child to mistreat you and his mom to ignore your wishes.
Some of your anger/hate should be directed at your husband.
Why have a child with a man who is clearly an awful parent?
Yes the kid is like that
Yes the kid is like that because of the father's lack of parenting but it's still the kid who is being a rat, a liar, a manipulator and so on. She should explain to the father that his lack of parenting is giving her problems and is causing her to resent his child.
Sue2 is the bomb
Sue2 is the bomb
How can you blame BM??? She
How can you blame BM???
She isn't in his life. His father has had custody all if these years and made the choice not to parent his son. He created this monster, not the mother. The father is the one to blame for the way this kid has turned out.
I don't think anyone here is
I don't think anyone here is meaning to give the BM a free pass. I would hope that with therapy the child will be able to put his relationship (lack of one) with BM into perception of it's reality. Right now she's nothing more than a voice or words in a text and who knows to what extent she too is playing into the 'evil SM/poor baby' bit. This kid needs some restrictions on the usage of his phone...he's 12, does he need a phone the ability of unlimited calling privileges to begin with?
Just as some COs have to include contact guidelines, so to does this household need to set some.
I would blame BM because the
I would blame BM because the child is her rightful obligation, we all know only a few father's can be good at parenting and most grandma's spoil children. It has always been a mother's job to raise a child: teach, train, mould and groom a child into a decent, disciplined, mannered, responsible person! I don't expect any man to do a good job at raising kids, i myself have realised that they do a bad job at it. Had the BM not abandoned and neglected her rightful responsibility, had she been there to do her job, fullfil her motherly duties by raising her child like what other mother's do then that child wouldn't be such a troubling, unpleasant step kid.
So yes BM and her absence is to blame for how the child turned up, you may not even realise that the fact that this child was abandoned by his mom and deprived of a mother's love affected him in so many ways. Some children become angry at the world and start being rebellious and troublesome. He may need conselling
If he's allowed to use that
If he's allowed to use that as an excuse he will. Plenty of kids grow up with only one parent. That isn't an excuse for the present parent to skip out on his/her parenting responsibilities.
Annnnd, imasmom is a bomb
Annnnd, imasmom is a bomb too.