the unpunishable teen
I have a 15 year old, and we are at a loss for options with how to deal with him. He does drugs, comes and goes as he pleases (not short of trying to stop him, he's very good at getting out the second we drop our guard). He is truely unpunishable. Grounding does not work, taking stuff away, all consequences. We dont like buying him expensive gifts for Christmas and birthdays anymore because he sells them for drug money. Nothing works. He also seems relatively aware of what we can and cannot legally do. He knows we cannot kick him out, he knows that if he gets in legal trouble we're the ones stuck with the bill, and he is not above lying to the police and saying we beat him if he gets in trouble (one time we had to restrain him to keep him from destroying a glass door and he tried telling the police I tried to "choke him out"). We tried threatening him with juvi, but he actually said he wanted to go because his friends are there and they'd protect him. Unfortunatley, the youth justice system seems to only be for the rich here because juvenille probation is way more expensive than we can afford and still live. I'm seriously at a loss here as a step parent. I've pretty much been keeping my sanity by constantly telling mself "2 more years and he's out". It's even more of a stress on my wife cus I won't pur up with his attitude or manipulation attempts, and sadly, sometimes she gets put in the middle between her son and her husband (which is a battle I understandably do not win). HELP!!
Can you ellaborate more on
Can you ellaborate more on what this is?
Your final complaint that
Your final complaint that sometimes your wife is in the middle tells me that she is not on-board with your attempts. I'm guessing there is a lot more to this story than is being told. Not the facts, he's using drugs, he knows the system, the big fight ensued causing you to "choke him out". Not that but what's going on in everyone's head.
You're here asking the question so my advise is directed to you. With a child out of control, regardless of the reason, a step-parent often makes things worse. A male step-parent trying to parent a boy makes it even worse than worse. My advise to you is recognize that YOU can't save this kid or this situation. Step out of the picture - physically if possible - literally move out.
Tell the mother that you're not giving up on her, its not a divorce, and you'll be in touch with her to give support and advise but all of it will be out of sight and hearing of the boy. He needs to assume that you're out of his life and you need to keep it that way. Also tell his mother that you'll resume your life with her once the boy is on his own or recovered enough to accept you back in his life. But that won't be for a long long time.
If you and your wife can't handle your leaving then you must disengage completely from the boy. Stop parenting in all ways, shapes and forms. You can give your wife advise or complain in private but once she decides what to do then your support is 100% which mostly means silence. She nor the boy need you to tell them that you agree as your silence speaks for itself.
Once the boy realizes that you are no longer a controlling part of his life he can stop fighting you. This action on your part also takes away all his power in the home because he can no longer count on you to disrupt things under the guise of parenting. Now he must deal with his mother alone, good or bad, she is all that's left.
To help you disengage I've posted a link below to a article you will find useful. You must follow it closely yet adopt it to the changing situation. The basics of it is when it comes to the boy you are a fly on the wall at most. No intervention verbally or physically. None. Regardless of what he says or does you are hands and voice off. This will be difficult for you and if you find it impossible to stop controlling then you must leave for the boys sake. Give this a read and see if you can bring yourself to admit that once you're gone the problem has a chance of being resolved:
http://steptogether.org/help.html
Um, actually ya, that is
Um, actually ya, that is everything. Look, I don't appreciate the idea of being told "I'm the problem" and that "I should remove myself from the situation. When I say my wife is in the middle, I mean she is afraid to go to much against him because shes afraid of him running off again, and he doesnt like the fact that since we got together, she started telling him "no" on stuff she didnt initially because she had no support. I dont think you grasp how manipulative amd dangerous this kid is. He is almost sociopathic in his abilities to play somebody without any disregard for an outcome as long as it doesnt effect what he is doing in the moment.
Also, please reread the article. It was NOT a fight and I DID NOT choke him. He flipped out because he wasnt allowed to leave cus he was grounded. When he realized the door was locked, he tried breaking the window in the door, and I ran up and wrapped my arms around him to pull him away. I didnt hit him, swing at him, and certainly didnt choke him (he got loose and bit me pretty good though). When the cops came, he realized he was gonna be in trouble and he told them that I choked him (which was a crock of bs).I would NEVER hit my kids! We have tried psychiatric care, both short and long term. Basically it goes as such: he goes in ticked off initially, but then chills out, tells them EXACTLY what they want to hear (they know it too, I've seen the reports, but they cant hold him if he doesnt do anything wrong) and he gets released.
Your wife is as much pf a
Your wife is as much pf a problem as the kid is. She has let him get away with too much for too long. Stop threatening him with the authorities and just do it.
She actually CAN send him away to school, to boot camp, etc. But she has to want to.
OCCA gave you good information, whether you liked it or not.
We looked into the boot camps
We looked into the boot camps (the one where the kids DON'T die) and they are far beyond our finances (we make less than 30,000 annually). Same thing with juvenille probation, way more than we can pay and still afford our bills and food. Parental help doesn't seem to be made for the poor.
Every time he buys or uses
Every time he buys or uses drugs call the police and have him arrested. Eventually a judge will lock him away and put him out of your misery.
Accountability works. Hold him accountable. At this point he needs nothing more than to feel the maximum consequence for his behavior. Take his clothes, his games systems, everything. Give him one set of geek clothes from GoodWill and nothing else to wear. Let him eat bread and water. If he runs away let him particularly if it is extremely cold outside. Once he has left, call the cops. You are not obligated to pay for his defense. Let a first year public defender railroad him in to prison. Not Juvi. Real prison. He will end up there eventually so you might as well facilitate the acceleration of that process until he either gains clarity and pulls his head out of his ass or goes to prison. Either would be better than having this juvenile idiot in your family, lives and home.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.
There is also a solution that
There is also a solution that your wife will not like. She can sign over her rights as a parent to the state. Then child protective services would have to engage in the care and treatment of him. It is an extreme solution, but if finances are stopping you from getting care; this might be a way to get him the help he needs. You would want to find an understanding CPS worker though. It is also a risk because you loose the control, but it might save his life!