What do you think appropriate punishment would have been?
As some of you may know, SD14 had a bit of a wild time this winter break! She spent a week at BM's, in the last few days:
1) BM has found evidence that SD14 was smoking pot while at her house.
2) BM found alcohol missing and SD14 eventually fessed up to sneaking the alcohol while BM and stepdad were asleep.
3) Evidence has emerged that SD14 has either been drinking or smoking pot when at a friend's house after school (pictures of SD14 at friend's looking either stoned or drunk). SD14 hasn't fessed up, but she hasn't denied, either...and was basically fumbling for an explanation of the pictures when confronted.
4) SD14 lied to DH about the nature of her "hanging out" with a "boyfriend" on New Year's Eve. Turns out SD14 actually spent the night at the boy's house, though SD14 is now claiming the guy is NOT her boyfriend (though she claimed he was a week before New Year's), and that her boyfriend is actually a guy at her school two grades ahead of her...they apparently started "dating" on 1/30, though she still spent the night at this other boy's house, and the actual boyfriend apparently still does not know about this!
5) SD14 lied to her aunt and uncle while at their house after New Year's, and with the everything else that has come to light, to protect their kids, SD14 is not allowed over there until she can regain their trust (BTW...uncle is a cop).
So far, the ONLY consequences have been:
1) Got yelled at by DH.
2) Phone was kinda taken away for 2 days...I say kinda, because DH would hand it to SD14 to reply to her text messages every time it buzzed.
DH has since given in on his stance that SD14 not have a boyfriend, and is allowing her to "date" the guy from school! Also, he gave her cell phone back to her last night. Today is the last day of winter break, and she slept until noon, and has been laying in front of the TV texting ever since! Her room was supposed to be cleaned completely, but she has only done about a 4th of it, and has been on her butt ever since!! She still has her tablet and full use of the internet, and she and DH have been buddy-buddy all weekend! She has tried to butter me up, but I'm not falling for the crap!!
Now, personally, if it were my kid? She would have:
1) Had phone privileges completely removed for no less than...I don't know...a month?
2) I would not have caved on my stance about no boyfriends!
3) The tablet would have been taken away.
4) No TV!!
5) She would have received additional chores for at least 2 weeks (keep in mind, currently her only "chores" are to clean up after herself).
Too harsh? Opinions?
Oh...an I probably would not
Oh...an I probably would not have let her stay in color guard competition for this season...may not have made her quit completely, but I would not be getting up early to take her to school or allow her to stay after school at all until she could be trusted, which would cause her to lose her spot in the show. Of course, if they decided to do a drug test on her right now, she would lose her spot based on that.
DH is still letting her participate in the competition, getting up early to take her to school and all.
Oh lord, she's a mini-me! I
Oh lord, she's a mini-me! I went nuts at 14. Your DH just put every nail in the coffin to assure his precious becomes the school party girl and go-to skank.
He needs to MAN UP, DAD UP, and PARENT UP right now. If he has questions, shoot me a PM and we'll exchange numbers and I'll explain how the path this young lady is on can go, and how quickly it can get there. Mine started with sneaking boys over while babysitting and not getting more than a slap on the wrist.
Shock the truth into him.... I slept with 50+ guys and tried every single drug known to man at the time except Heroin, and only because I couldn't find any.
Your SD would hate me. No,
Your SD would hate me. No, worth things like taking her tv away? This girl is staying over night with boys and doing alcohol/drugs. Reckless dangerous behavior needs serious
1)No BF
2) Say good-bye to the current group of GFs
3)Hauled out to the local mental health center for drug/alcohol testing and counseling (various topics such as low self esteem, why a need to abuse self blah blah)
4) Uncle Cop takes her down to the county jail and introduces her to reality, then a trip to the local morgue, the rape crisis center to meet girls her own age who thought this behavior was 'cool'
hmmm, that'd be about it for starters. I as Dad would become her new best (worst) friend who knew where she was, who she was with. I'd assign household duties that are not optional (kid isn't going anywhere else, she might as well clean house). If her BM was unwilling and/or incapable of supervising/parenting the kid, I'd cease visitation (what's Mommy going to do to me? Rat me out and take me to court for contempt? Yeah, go with that, BM, that's when I'd pull out the photos of kid's actions under your care...shrugs)
Your husband (and hopefully a willing BM) have their hands full with this young teen. They'll lose her to drugs/alcohol at the worse, or end up grandparents by a 14-15yr at best. The nightmare scenario would be id'ing her face on a slab. This girl is 14. DH/BM either yank this kid back from the edge or they quit bitching about it and hit it hard now, or they piddle around with things like 'no tv' and watch this kiddo go right over the edge and gone.
Thank you! Yeah, in reality,
Thank you! Yeah, in reality, if she were my kid...life would cease to exist! No friends, no fun.
I still can't believe BM allowed the sleep-over! She also helped lie to DH! Really, BM? And she is surprised all this other crap happened while SD14 was at her house?
For now, visitation has ceased, but that is because SD14 is pissed at BM for ratting her out. SD14 keeps saying she hates BM, and never wants to see her again. And for now, DH doesn't think it is a "very good idea" for SD14 to be over there anyway. Really? Just now figuring that out? SD14 was sent to us twice after she got caught smoking pot! Sept 2012, SD14 was caught smoking pot, and BM called DH saying that SD14 needed to move in with us, because she just couldn't handle the girl any more...didn't tell DH exactly what SD14 did. A month later, BM started yelling at DH that SD14 needed to come back to her house to live, because SD14 was all upset that there was not a dance class at this school, and DH refused to sign her up for $200/month classes. Jan 2013, SD14 moved back with BM. This is when BM FINALLY told DH what happened! May 2013, SD14 gets caught smoking pot again...she skipped school to smoke with her friends, and was dumb enough to post pictures on Instagram. One of the kids at school saw the Instagram, and turned her in that day! SD14 was sent back to us again to live...only this time, BM has not asked for her back, because it is the stepdad that doesn't what her around his kid (his son with BM).
Yeah, this kid is headed down the wrong road fast! She still THINKS she is getting a car at 16 (not if I can help it). And if the girl ends up pregnant, DH and I will have to have a long, hard talk! Either SD14 will have to be sent back to BM, or they move out of this house together and he helps raise the baby, because I'm NOT going to do it! No way, no how! I got both of the kids I birthed to adulthood without them making me a grandmother! I'm still not a grandmother! I'm not about to be made one by an out of control kid!
Wow! And I though we were
Wow! And I though we were going easy on SD13 for her Whisper app on her iPod. The punishment your SD14 got wasn't really a punishment at all. It was a minor slap on the wrist. Your DH needs to grow a pair and really discipline this child before she hurts herself.
Tell me about it! The
Tell me about it! The punishment she got would have been fine if, say, she didn't do her chores because she was too busy texting her friends. That is about as serious an offense that would warrant a punishment like she got.
Oh, and get this...her excuse for doing half the stuff is no one paying attention to her and her being bored while at BMs! Yeah...really? No one pays attention to her? Now, I'm sure that BM and stepdad don't pay attention to her. However, the entire time SD14 was over there, DH would try to call and text SD14 to see how she was doing, if she changed her mind about when she wanted to come home, if she needed anything, etc. My SIL would text her every other day to see if SD14 needed anything. Also, any time BIL (the cop) was in her area (which was daily), he would give her a call or a text to see if she wanted to get out of the house for a bit...get a snack, walk around, whatever. Whenever anyone tried to get in touch with SD14, she wouldn't answer the phone or respond to the texts. Yeah...SD14 was called on that "no one paying attention to me" excuse! Even if it were the case, it is no excuse for a 14-year-old to be drinking and smoking pot!
Oh, and get this...
DH was saying yesterday that his is surprised that BM is throwing the fit she is about all of this, when she herself was already kicked out of one school by SD14's age for smoking and drinking on campus! Really? I just found myself looking at him and thinking, "So, this woman was a partier the whole time...from her early teens...you knew this, and you didn't fight for custody or anything else? You let this woman basically raise your kid for the last 13 years, and you wonder why she is the way she is?"
Problem is, since BM kicked
Problem is, since BM kicked the child out, DH is the custodial parent, but BM does whatever she wants anyway.
I brought up to DH today that I thought he was being to easy on SD14...that she wasn't going to learn what she did is wrong. He said that she is still basically grounded...that she can't go anywhere, can't go with friends, can't go to BM's. Pointed out she does not want to go to BM's, so how is she being punished there? And no going anywhere? She didn't really do much of that anyway, except for the last two weeks before school. I pointed out that when BD22 pulled her little sneaking out trick when she was 16, she lost everything for a month! DH was like, "Yeah, but she snuck out of THIS house!" How is SD14's stuff this past week anything less than when BD22 snuck out? Hello? It isn't...it is worse! BD22 would be so pissed if she knew what SD14 did and she got off with a wrist slap!
Wow was exactly my thinking!
Wow was exactly my thinking! DH is the one who always goes on and on about how I don't treat the kids the same, that they should be treated the same, etc. But here is SD14 and her crap this break, and I point out that when BD22 got caught being stupid she got a much worse punishment that SD14, and he brushes it off. Guess the princess is too fragile to get the same kind of punishment that BD22 got.
remove her bedroom door
until she has earned your trust back. When a teenager is living in your home and lying to you and sneaking around then in my opinion their privacy becomes a privilege, not a right