I am the stepmom of an 18-yr-old senior girl, as well as mom of two girls (college soph. & h.s. jr.). The stepdaughter ran away 2 weeks ago after we grounded her for a day for having her 20-yr-old boyfriend at her grandma's house. This rule was put into place following an incident when she was 16. Our rule was no dating for anyone until their jr. year, but her grandma was allowing a 19-yr-old to come pick her up for dates. Well, one night grandma wasn't home and things almost went too far. She lived with her grandparents (lost her grandpa a few years ago) because dad worked all the time. He gained full custody when she was very young. The birth mom has been addicted to drugs and had her first child at 15. He hung himself in jail. She has three other children by two other dads...the dad of the youngest is in prison. My stepdaughter remembers being kidnapped by her mom a couple of times when she was very young, and recalls how people were having sex and doing drugs near her when they thought she was asleep.

My stepdaughter is an only child for my husband and only grandchild for his parents. When we got together, she would do very strange things for his attention. She was even lying on him in the recliner at 14-years-old and riding directly next to him in the pickup when they were alone. She would also push her way between us when we were walking. One night while her dad was asleep, she wrote more than a dozen notes on torn paper and stapled them to my shirt with up to 20 staples each. The notes said things like, "don't woo-hoo with my daddy," "that's my daddy," "leave my daddy alone." When we put a lock on our bedroom door, she freaked out and said we were locking her out of our lives because we didn't want her. The truth is, we were tired of her barging in at inopportune moments.

At grandma's house, she was left alone to make her way home from school because she worked. There was a ton of freedom. When she had the slightest sniffle, grandma would pick her up from school and put her to bed, babying her...she was 14! When she moved in here, she was expected to do the typical easy things - tell the truth, no sneaking, no backtalking, clean up after yourself. The same rules the other girls had to follow. But my stepdaughter was immediately breaking them. I would find hateful notes aimed at myself and particularly the youngest daughter, including one that called her an "f'ing bi&$%" and how she sometimes wanted to kill her. When my stepdaughter would get caught lying, she would at first lie some more, then try to redirect attention off her, and then after a few days of pouting she would apologize with a note saying she loved me, that I was the best thing to ever happen to her.

There have been several older boys that she has been caught sneaking with. Eighth grade, ninth grade, tenth grade, and then there was a 23-year-old last year. Each time these events would happen, she would want to move back to grandma's because she "just wasn't happy." Keep in mind that grandma has continued to tell her that she misses her and wants her to move back because she is lonely. She has also believed my stepdaughter when she tells her we are "mean" and has even called me to say, "If you guys don't love her enough then she can just come live with me!"

I put a spy program on the computers when I caught her lying about the boy who was at grandma's in tenth grade. I warned all three kids and two of them had no problem. My stepdaughter was angry, said she was a teenager and "deserve my privacy." I told her she could have all the privacy she wants when she moves out, but if she was going to be doing things that were against our rules and detrimental to her, it was our job to help guide her in life. The 23-year-old was really bad news - he even e-mailed her the state's sexual consent laws. The sad part was, grandma said we were wrong to keep her from dating this guy! Afterall, when she was 16 she dated older guys! LOL

Well....things have been like a rollercoaster. I have stayed up late with this girl at least a hundred times while she cried that no one loved her, her dad didn't want her, her mom didn't want her, grandpa died so he didn't want her...and she also believed I would leave because I didn't want her either. I have no temper and raise our children with tons of patience. Now my patience is gone. My stepdaughter ran away two weeks ago and lived with her boyfriend until three days ago when she moved back in with grandma. She has sent me several angry texts regarding rumors at school, then would text things like "remember I love you" "I respect you" or "do you still love me?" We met with the school counselor and band director Friday but it felt like the only thing they cared about was the future. Why can't anyone see that this child has been carrying around such pain all these years and if it isn't addressed, she can't stop making bad choices? She can't tell the real truth - just the truth as she sees it or that puts her in a good light. She is very good at manipulating grandma and dad. While dad is tired of her talking to me so rudely and acting the way she does, he doesn't want to deal with drama. I have kept him informed of everything and even have put her on speaker phone when she goes off on me.

This kid didn't even know what a mortgage was 2 years ago, or that we have to pay for our water. I had to sit her down and explain all the bills after I wouldn't buy her something and she asked, "why not? are we poor?" She told me her dad's retirement was for a car at 16 and her university education. Well...she did talk daddy into a car in February when I was out of town (my mom had almost died). I told him no, but when I got home he had bought it anyway. He never tells her no because I believe he holds onto a lot of guilt for not being there enough. She hasn't been taught responsibility and when she doesn't get first place for something, grandma and daddy place the blame on judges or something else...I believe this is detrimental to a child's future. They have to fall in order to learn to pull themselves up.

My heart is so very broken because I love this girl. I know she has never been part of a "real" family, something she has always wanted. She wanted us to sit at the dinner table every night and to play board games. That's just not possible with the work and school schedules. She has alove-hate relationship with me and for the life of me I don't know why - except I stole her dad. She told me recently that it's extemely abnormal for daughters and mothers to have a close relationship and thinks I shouldn't be so close to the other two girls. And she says she asked her friends and they agree. But, she has told me numerous times this is the relationship she wants with me.

Oh...one other thing. Earlier this year her mom attempted to break me and my husband up with extremely horrible lies and told me to take him for everything he has because she never did. Granted, they were never married and haven't been together since my stepdaughter was around 2 or 3. She also tried to kill my husband when my stepdaughter was a baby by coming home drugged out, hit him over the head with a large coffee cup, then took the broken handle and sliced all the way down his face. He almost bled to death. Her mom also got stoned in our backyard just minutes before meeting her daughter's boyfriend for the first time, embarrassing her so much!

So can anyone help me get through this pain? I don't know what to do. From my research and experience so far, I apparently didn't stand a chance with this kid. I don't know what to do and am tired of crying and I am tired of her telling people lies. What can I do?