DH makes me want to scream!
Yes, most of us are here to vent about the skids that stress out our lives, but many of us know all too well, it is the bio-parents who are the main problem in this equation!
So, DH gets home from work yesterday in a mood. I just got through working an 11-hour day myself (had stopped working about 5 minutes before DH walked in the door, and it was a very stressful day). BS18 and I were in the TV room watching TV...SD14 was in her room as usual. We had leftovers last night, so while DH changed into his pjs, I heated up his dinner. He comes out, goes to say something to SD14, gets his dinner and sits at the kitchen table to eat it. When he is done, he comes into the TV room, looks at me and BS18, and then storms off to the bedroom. At the time, I'm on the phone with BD22, and tell her I have to get off the phone, something is up with dad.
I go into the bedroom to see what is up, and DH immediately starts going off that BS18 was sitting in his spot on the couch and he didn't want to start a huge production by telling him to move (telling him...not asking him...telling him). Now, BS18 does not have SD14's attitude. Truth is, if DH started heading over to the couch and kindly asked BS18 to move over, he would have without an argument. I know this...DH SHOULD know this...but instead, DH is basically throwing this tantrum about BS18 being in his spot, etc. So, I KINDLY say, "Okay, whatever" and what do I get? DH starts yelling at me!!! "Don't 'whatever' me!" I swear my head must have spun around like the jester puppet on Puppet Master! I gave him the look, told him he had a bad day and thinks he can take it out on everyone else, and left the room!
About an hour later, DH finally TEXTS me to come back to the bedroom to talk. I try to ignore him, until I realize he is going to blow up my phone until I go figure out what his malfunction is! At this point, he was all happy again, wondering why I was still mad, telling me I need to get over it, etc. REALLY! Oh, I let him have it right there! "So, ______ (SD14) can sit there and roll her eyes at you and say 'whatever' with all the attitude in the world, and you still stay all calm and try to me nice, and tell her things like 'I'm not mad at you'. But I simply say 'whatever' as in 'okay, I'm going to back off you are in a bad mood', and you bite my head off? She gets away with whatever she want wants to do and you barely raise your voice? I say one word, and you treat me like your 12-year-old child!!!" I also tell him I'm tired of him down talking BS18, ASSUMING he is going to have attitude (when he hardly ever has an attitude with anyone) and calling him lazy! For the last 4 months, the boy's day was spending 7 hours on school, followed by 4 hours on the field practicing for football (which I know our coach...there was NO rest in that), then having to work two 10-hour days on the weekend...yeah, he's lazy! While SD14 does her little 7 hours of school, and then comes home and LAYS on the couch until DH comes home, when she disappears to her room and LAYS on her bed...doesn't pick up after herself or anything! On the weekend, it is amazing if you can pry her out of her pjs! But BS18 is lazy? Double-standard much?
Now, I don't think any of it did anything, but it did feel good to get it out! We still really aren't talking, and tonight is my gym night, so I won't even see DH until about 9:30 p.m. He allows SD14 to be what she is, and his actions encourage it! She can't ever do wrong, but everyone else in the house is just out to cause trouble, I guess, including me!
Like I said...not really a skids vent, but behind every terrible skid, there is a one or more terrible bio-parents, and the bad thing is, most of us are married to them!
Actually ended up at
Actually ended up at Starbucks, because the internet at home went down. Bad thing is, that about kills my gym night...between the internet being down, and the fact I'm the only one working on my team at work today...which means another bad day for me, and I'm probably going to get stuck working late again to complete all the stuff that is my responsibility and due today, because NOTHING about my job is plan ahead. But no, because I get to work from home, DH always belittles my job...because I don't have a commute, that makes my job that much easier? This came up last night, too! When I told him I just got of work about 5 minutes before he walked through the door, he chimes, "So did I." Ummmm...he just had an hour commute. He claims he was working on email and stuff in the car, which I reminded him that he shouldn't be texting and emailing while driving (he does it all the time...drives me bonkers, because contrary to his own belief, he drives like crap when he does it). He throws in my face, "Would you have rather I waited until I got home to do my emails, and take away from my family time?" What family time? You came home and went to the bedroom pouting because someone was in your spot on the couch and you didn't want to ask him to move...thought that when you entered the room, he should have immediately noticed and moved over!
I personally don't consider the commute still being on the job, especially when it is after most of the traffic already cleared the road. No, when I did have to drive to the office, I would get in my car, turn up my music, and unwind so that I wouldn't accidentally take it out on anyone at home! I don't get that any more, because the moment I get off of work, I have to walk to the kitchen and start dinner and have to deal with everyone's demands, including DH's who gets to come home and sit in front of the TV doing nothing! I get to come out of my office, only for SD14 to get off the couch in a huff (like, "Oh no, SHE's out here), and go to her room, leaving behind her trash, dishes, and stinky socks! That's what I get when I get off of work! If SD14 comes right home after school, I have to listen to the TV blasting some stupid reality program, while SD14 checks the cupboard and fridge about 20 times for junk food that wasn't there the last time she looked, so why the heck is she looking again! I have to deal with her loudly talking and making all kinds of strange noise on the phone while her phone is on speaker phone with the volume all the way up! All this while I'm still trying to work!
I swear...some days I know exactly where SD14 gets it, because DH can act as much like a spoiled brat as she does! No wonder he doesn't put her in his place, because it may mean he has to actual admit he does the same things, and have to change his own ways!
If you're going to continue
If you're going to continue being married to this guy do two things:
Buy a large rider to your homeowners/renters insurance - several million - its actually quite inexpensive to purchase these types of policies.
Buy a large term life insurance policy (not whole life) on this guy.
He's going to end up in a wreck and may do terrible damage to himself and others so you'll need the help.
Not good! Being the low
Not good! Being the low person on the totem pole, which is sadly the role step parents often seem to occupy.
I totally agree that much of the step child behavior relates to their parents and how they behave. When one or both parents is angry, guilt ridden, manipulative or all of the above, the kids are going to be a mess.
My DH feels guilty for having a good relationship with my daughter because he has a not so good relationship with one of his own children. If a 50 plus year old adult can't realize that one has little to do with the other, what does that say about the values that he is imparting on his kids... Then there's their mother.... Long story short, I feel for you and your situation.
I hope he's not violent. I worry about his anger towards you.
DH isn't violent. He just
DH isn't violent. He just says really stupid stuff, and then about 15 minutes later acts like it should be all over and I can just flip a switch and be happy again!
I know that DH let's SD14 manipulate him out if fear...fear that she will hate him, fear that she will want to go back to BM's and never want to see him, etc. He would rather be run over! He is creating a monster! Like the recent boyfriend thing...he told her flat out she wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. She had one anyway behind his back, and instead of putting his foot down and making her break it off, he gives in out of fear of her making BM talk stepdad into letting her move back there because BM doesn't care about SD14 having a boyfriend (BM also thinks it's appropriate for a 14 year old to go on dates not chaperoned). SD14 uses BM to get her way...DH says no, and SD14 whines to BM, who then calls DH cussing him out about saying no to the princess, causing DH to give in out of fear of BM taking SD14 back and never letting him see her! I get he wants to have his daughter on his life, but if SD14 is going to make it miserable, I say cut your losses and pray she someday snaps out of it! Let her go back to BM until they want to kick her out again (like the pot smoking that has gotten her kicked out this time) and then make it clear that things WILL be different at our house, and stick to your guns!
So really, you have three
So really, you have three kids living in the house... your bio son, the SD14 and your dh? }:)
Yeah, sounds like acorn doesnt fall far from the tree here. Good luck!
Pretty much...except, it
Pretty much...except, it really is two kids, as BS19 acts more grown up that DH does a lot of times!
I'm still curious if SD14 and BM went to get SD14's belly button pierced, even though DH objected to it...the two tend to do what they want. BM wouldn't have even consulted DH except she couldn't find her copy of SD14's birth certificate to prove she is her parent to get it done (which, I'm more certain that she just didn't feel like looking for it). I wouldn't be surprised if BM found the birth certificate, and they went and got it done anyway! That would be typical SD14 and BM! We will figure that out when she gets home by how she dresses, as I'm certain she will try to hide it with baggier clothing, not to mention, that she will not want anything rubbing up against it for a spell. And when she accidentally shows her stomach (like she forgot about the additional ear piercings that she was hiding from DH that she got with BM and brushed her hair back), there will be this big "talk", but DH will not say anything to BM or stand his ground on it (i.e., make SD14 take it out so that it can close up because she did it against his permission). While DH was on the phone with SD14 telling her why it "wasn't a very good idea", I could just imagine SD14's face on the other end...eye rolling, with the "whatever, you can't stop me" look on her face! This is going to be like the gauges DH was against that SD14 now wears.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have any problems with piercings or tattoos. My daughter has piercings and tattoos, I have a tattoo and wanting to get another one (know exactly what I want, just trying to figure out where I want it). My son has a tattoo. But here is the deal...my kids had to wait until they were 18 to get any of this stuff done! I wanted them to think about it, and be certain that they were willing to live with the modification choices they made...something a 14-year-old doesn't think about. Not to mention, a 14-year-old has no business with a belly button piercing! I mean, no teen is going to get something like that without the expectation of showing it off to look cool or sexy, and she should not be walking around in mid-drifts at her age! Sorry...I'm in my 40's, and I don't walk around like that! My opinion is that women who walk around showing that much skin are asking for attention, and often do not get the right kind of attention, if you know what I mean. SD14 already tries to dress provocative...low necklines, pants/jeans as tight as she can get them to button, crop tops, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if she is pulling the hiding clothing under clothing routine to get out of the house...revealing tops under more modest shirts. I'm just waiting for her to ask to get her tongue pierced, which we all know isn't for appearance. **wink**