Me agian.
Sick of trying to make it all seem like its ok. From the outside looking in my life looks perfect and there are a ton of perfect aspects in it, I mean I have a great DH and 2 of the most beautiful little girls ever (I know I am biased, they are my babies).
With all that has happened I think there is now some depression setting in more so then anxiety. Lately I cant sleep at night and then I struggle all day to stay awake then when DH gets home, I lay down, mainly because he can see that I need sleep and kind of makes me go lay down. Then I am awake at night and I am so depressed, I cry and I sit and watch my girls sleep. I feel like a failure of a parent sometimes because I have let this thing control me for so long. I am sick of having the physical side effects of suffering anxiety and panic. I have went from love to pure hate in the disengagement of my SD19. I am so mad that her actions caused me to be this way and I miss the old me so bad. Will I ever be me again? I was fun, outgoing, hard working, etc. Its like I am this new person now and I hate me.
I am sorry I come here but understand, I have no where else to go, I mean I have DH and a couple good friends BUT at this hour, no where and this is the safest place for me to go so thank you in advance for putting up with me lately.
I guess I just didn't know that disengaging would cause so much emotion. The depression is a new on for me. I am scared so scared she will come back and I am getting so tired of his family members sending me emails and messages on facebook even though I have deleted them just to question me and accuse my DH of being a failure of a father. Its getting annoying. Its almost like the purposely contact me (just as SD used to) because I am the weakest link. I am too big hearted and they know they are getting to me and making me feel guilty. Why so I feel so much emotion...will it one day just shut off? Yes I am in therapy, I cant wait to see my therapist again. Sometimes I get so down that I don't even want to live anymore. My kids they are literally my heart beat. They are why I am still on this planet.
Thanks for listening. I just didn't know that disengaging would be this horrible on me. I didn't know that one single person could really ruin someones life. I am tired of what it is doing to DH, myself and our girls.
(((((hugs))))) Time to
(((((hugs))))) Time to hunker in with your focus, on you, on your beautiful daughters, on your dh. Every breath is another moment to just be in yourself and build the wall to deflect that craziness away from you. And for every torrent of pain that comes, get to the other side of it and name your blessings, too. There's the dance of it. We're here for you.
It does get better with time.
It does get better with time. You sound depressed and in mourning - mourning the little girl you loved and the person you once were.
Life shapes us as things happen. You are morphing into a beautiful caring mom and letting go of the toxic hate that grew. It is a process - sometimes longer than we think.
I disengaged 1.5 years ago, did OK for a while, but I am feeling awful again as the holidays draw near and I hate that our family is torn apart. Once that is behind us, I am sure I will start to feel better too. I am not sleeping well either and that makes everything seem worse.
I sincerely hope you find peace soon, you have a big heart and your real family needs you.
Hugs.
Thank you and I meant to say
Thank you and I meant to say thank you on my last post too. These last nights have been so hard, my sleep has been off schedule and I just seem to get so depressed at night. Its like his family doesn't get it to just leave me alone about it. I do not want to see SD anymore after all that she has done to us in the last 4 years. They are so mean about DH and they think he should apologize for calling his sister a "judgmental bitch" well she is...I was surprised this came out of him as secretly I have thought this of his sister for the entire time I have been with him but I never said anything until it came out of his mouth...they were trying to tell me last night that DH is keeping me from them and hinting around to try and get me to say that he controls me. THAT IS SO NOT TRUE. They just cant get over the fact that I am a stand by my man type of girl. They wont apologize for saying that he is a failure of a father and are upset because he wont apologize for the bitch calling...I think telling a man he is a failure of a parent when he has done all that he can to do a good job is totally wrong. I have been with him for 12 years and he is no such thing as they say he is. For 12 years his sisters have treated him like crap too and I am just done with it. He is the best husband I could have asked for and an excellent dad. They just don't get it. I asked them numerous times to let me be. Last night my Niece was attacking me message wise on facebook. Sick of it.
I am glad to hear it will get better because no matter how depressed I get, I am not giving in, I will not let the toxicity back into my life. I will not let SD19 ruin me. Funny thing is listening to them talk to me like that, I can tell she has filled them in with all of her charm, she only does that when she wants gain from someone. I lived it for 4 years and its not my fault they don't want to listen to me about it. Also funny thing is they think they will talk her out of being with her boyfriend, well the moment they do that she will flip out on them and they will see her true colors. She doesn't want to be with out her boyfriend, he is the father of her baby. They also claim that someone in the family is going to kick his ass (the boyfriends)...yeah, we will see how that goes. They are setting themselves up and I think they deserve what is coming to them. SDs true colors will shine. We lived it.
Thank you for being so nice and Catmom2 thanks for the other post you made on my last one. Hugs back!
Hello, thank you for
Hello, thank you for responding. Yes I have blocked them now on facebook and will not answer the phone if I see their numbers. The were trying to say that they loved me and that they basically feel that DH is trying to keep me from them and from toxic SD and that he is some sort of controlling man. I set them straight in how I felt about SD and them. I am done with them. My husband is a sweet man who is a wonderful father and the thing that hurt me for him the most even with what I just said was that they think he is a horrible father who failed his daughter. Not true. SD was very close to the both of us from age 7 (when I became her step mom) until 15...when she turned to drugs she changed, she made that choice. They also said we did nothing to help her...God my health issues are enough to show we tried to help her in many many ways and nothing worked. Finally had to cut her off. She is an adult.
I am on alprazolam for anxiety and panic and that works. (Tried 5 other drugs with my doctor helping me and non worked and some I had bad reactions to so that is why we stick with the alprazolam). I have some sort of weakness to drugs for some reason. I am even allergic to some such as codeine and cipro which is an antibiotic. So the doctor didn't want to mess with me and gave me the alprazolam. Low dose and only take as needed. I am open to trying others however I mainly suffer anxiety. It was just this week that things got so out of control with the slap in the face from his side of the family. I swear every night I have been waking after 4 hours of sleep to just cry. I finally stopped that. The last two nights I have slept ok, it takes me a while to fall asleep (which is an issue from the anxiety combined with me being a night owl all my life) but as soon as I fall asleep I stay asleep. So hoping the depression part is gone now. Every so often I will get depression because I hate the physical side effects from the anxiety and panic. It makes me feel like I am dying and the doctors missed something, but never to the extent I had it last week. I will admit I even had thoughts of not wanting to live BUT my kids save me from that. I want to be here for them so I refuse to ever get suicidal. This though was enough for DH to want me to see my therapist more often. I was seeing her once every two weeks and now I am going to go every week until I get better.
DH was so hurt by his family and pissed off that he removed all pictures of SD19 and his family EXCEPT his mother (she was a wonderful woman and none of this would ever go on if she was around). Its kind of nice to not see their faces around the house. SD19 has done so much damage and how dare the family turn on him. They also hate that I stand by his side...well I promised his mother before she died that I would take care of him and that is what I am doing. After all he stood by my side through everything including my illness.
Thank you for your advise and yes I will explore other options such as medications if I have to. Sometimes eating right, seeing my therapist and exercise...focusing on my little girls does wonders for me in all this. Tonight and went and spent 80 bucks on crafts for me to do with the girls to occupy us and give them some fun. We decorated our Christmas tree last night and the house with decorations for Christmas and I watched a movie with them on Thanksgiving night. Thanksgiving was nice, it was just DH, I and the girls. We Skyped with my parents and with Older SD22. It was nice.
I have a good friend too that I can message anytime and talk to her and she knows how to help me too and another friend I can call anytime. I have my little life lines and having step talk helps greatly.
Again thank you. I love all the advice I get, it truly helps me.