Frustrated!
I am 40 and I have been married for 2 years and my husband has 3 adult children from his first marriage-20 daughter, 21 son and 23 daughter. These are the most spoiled selfish children I have ever met. They have been manipulated by their mother thinking their dad has been a dead beat their whole divorced lives which has been about 10 years or more. Which isn't true. He always made sure they never went without-and always paid child support. If anyone went without it was him. So needless to say they treat him horribly and talk to him in just the most disrespectful manner you can ever imagine. This last year they didn't do anything for him for fathers day- no phone call or present and only came over on his birthday because we had a party at our home and only 2 of his kids came. The 21 year old hasn't spoke to his dad in 9 months and won't respond to any messages at all. Earlier this year my husband had a blood clot in his lungs and it was pretty serious and they came to the hospital and weird- put out. Then he has had the shingles and really bad cold and he messaged his kids to come and see him and no response at all- WHO does that? The 23 year old is barely starting to have a relationship with him but it is on her terms but the 20 year old girl is the worst! I don't even know where to start with her. She is selfish and so uniformed. It is actually scary. But she has been rude and disrespectful to me as well-not to my face but in messages to her dad. She has barely had a relationship with her dad this past year and pretty much thinks he the worst dad ever. The way she talks to him makes me want to slap her face or yell at her face! If these kids have such a problem with their dad why not just ask what the hell happened instead of treating him that way.
SO.. now that you know the back story- well some of it here is my problem-my husband is so eager to have any kind of relationship with his kids that he just lets it all roll off his back-when I know they have broken his heart. As for me I am not that forgiving especially since they never apologize for their behavior. It gets swept under the rug and then it is okay for a while then it goes back to being horrible again. I am a my wits end! I don't want to be around them at all -don't want them in my house- and with Christmas I already told my husband that I am not spending the day with his kids and my family isn't doing anything for his kids when they treat me and their dad that way. I need some advice on how to cope or I may lose my husband!
Are you sure you are not
Are you sure you are not describing my skids? Pretty much everything is the same: ages (give or take a few years), attitudes, BM manipulations, treatment of my family. It sounds as if they are all reading from the same script. The BIGGEST JERK reality show. Not sure i have many words of wisdom here, i just wanted to say hello. You are not alone. Many SMs find this type of situation very frustrating. Who would not???
If you have not looked up disengagement, read up on it. You can try to encourage your husband's relationship with his children while protecting and distancing yourself. You can also try couples counseling. You can also try tearing your hair out. I actually do not believe any of the above will be all that successful. Time might help - provided the skids mature and grow up and away from the BM. Not much you can do. Your husband can try family counseling with each of them, or therapy for himself. We have pretty much tried all of the above but not therapy with skids. So far things have only gotten worse.
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I think therapy with him and his kids would be a really good thing. They have a lot of anger towards him that I think they could work out and need to work out but I don't think it will ever happen. All 3 kids are still living at home with their BM who is the devil! What blows me away is that his kids think it is okay to be like this. I would never in a million years talk to my parents the way they do. I would still get my butt beat by my and and I am 40. lol. I have tried to distance myself as much as possible but my husband told me yesterday that him and his kids are a package deal and if I can't get along with them then we wouldn't be together much longer. When its his kids that are the issue not me. Being a SM of grown children is not fun. I am so happy I found this forum. It may save me!
I never thought it would be
I never thought it would be so hard especially because they are older. I think it is actually worse. I try to get it through my husband that he is condoning their behavior by never addressing the underlining issue at hand. I think if they don't respect him and treat him in the correct manner that he does need to cut them off until they grow up. However that will never happen because they are his kids no matter what. He blames their rudeness on their BM but they are adults now and should act as such. There is no excuse to treat your parent that way. I actually suggested that with Christmas already to do a dinner the Sunday after but he was all upset saying that his kids won't get Christmas on Christmas. I told him that I don't want to spend it with his kids so he can go and visit with them why I go to my Moms. Do you think they honestly care? They only come and go with us so they can have money that my parents give to them which isn't happening this year because I don't think my parents should when they treat us like they do. As for Thanksgiving they have never spent it with their dad and spend most of christmas with their mom anyways since the sun shines out of her bum and she is the best mom ever! lol. We already do a Christmas party with DH side so I will have to be around them if they come to that. Hoping they won't. The holidays should be joyful not stressful because you have horrible skids! All I can hope for is that my husband will come around. Every once in a while I see it but then it fades. I wish he would put himself in my shoes and see how I see it. I think he would lose his mind if I had kids treating me in this way and allowing it to continue the way he does. HMMM..
Thanks again for your advice. I really appreciate it.