In my introduction post (http://www.steptalk.org/node/170514) I gave a hint of the dynamics in my very blended family and a very cursory hint at their roots… I am sure everything will come out a jumbled mess because that’s the way it has become in my head, but I promised myself I would start and hopefully this outlet will give me some relief. I apologize up front for rambling

I am so incredibly confused by my DW and SD16 #1. The oldest 3 skids have spent nearly our entire marriage creating wedges and using manipulation to guilt DW into essentially choosing them over me. SD16 #2 has over the last year matured a lot and is actually gotten the idea of accountability and responsibility, even to the point trying to have a “real” relationship with me. Over the past 3 years SD16 #1 has spiraled so far out of control that DW has approached me about sending her to a Wilderness Program. This is after we had to ditch the most recent therapist, who had it in for me because I kept telling her that SD16 was playing her, and not to underestimate her ability to manipulate, lie, and fake emotion. In the end, she convinced BD and DW to grant her freedoms that I contested (and lost) and SD16 proceeded to violate their trust and prove EVERYTHING that I said had happened and would happen. SD16 has the same privileges available to her as her sister, but she violates our trust so frequently that she hasn’t kept them for more than 24hrs for as long as I can remember. DW isn’t letting her go out with friends, she hasn’t even taken driver’s ed yet (SD16#2 has), she gets very limited phone privileges (that are monitored), she is never left home alone - last time DW left her home for 45mins she messaged 4 different guys to figure out who could get there first and took them into her bedroom; she probably would have used ours, but DW had me put keyed locks on ALL the interior doors due to her thievery, and in general doesn’t have a social life outside of school. I know DW is more lax with the phone and TV when I’m not around, because I see the phone records and I see what was watched as soon as I turn on the TV(we use Netflix and Hulu… no Cable or Sat anymore). Despite DW demonstrating that she knows SD16 is a major problem and when she is in the moment applying rules and discipline, time as short as 20 minutes and she flip-flops.

A few days ago DW comes home sobbing uncontrollably, when asked what happened she told me she felt so hopeless about SD16, how she is a complete “f*** up” and nothing gets through to her. This was after her most recent suspension from school where she has an A in Art and is failing all else. Since SD16 was suspended, a few minutes later she comes down and asks what’s wrong and DW says “Oh its nothing I was just talking to my sister.” She gave up a golden opportunity to tell SD16 that her choices where so poor that it was breaking her heart and she felt hopeless. Less than an hour later they are sitting on the couch laughing at Vines together, so of course I am the a-hole because I remind her that she was just suspended and we agreed she was grounded… which includes electronics.
Later I confront DW and ask how she expects SD16 to get it, when the message is oh yeah ok you’re grounded, but only sorta and the message that comes back from SD16 is how its all my fault. At which point she gets upset with me and tells me I shouldn’t even be involved. I reminded her of my duties not only as a SD, but as a father and protector to my BD and the other skids, and that SD16s influence in the house was so detrimental that DW wants to send her to Wilderness Program.
I get that she feels guilty about the molestation of SD16x2 by her ex, but she put him in jail the moment she found out. The whole family has been in and out of therapy for nearly our entire marriage, including us in couples counseling (I will be doing a separate post on this). She has been told time and again by counselors, a judge, and me that she isn’t responsible and in day to day living she seems fine, but the second SD16 doesn’t get her way, she targets me and flips DW against me, even if I wasn’t even a part of whatever is going on.

I just can’t wrap my brain around the Jeckyl and Hyde thing that goes on with DW where one minute she is raving mad, or violently sad as a direct result of SD16… but the next she is acting all buddy-buddy with her and will side with SD16 against me, when moments before she agreed with me. The only light I have is that SD16 will eventually be SD18 and won’t be in my home anymore.