If I would not know this whole situation (and live it) - I would almost be entertained by it - but living it is more terror than entertaining!

My Husband and I married almost 5 years ago. Since BM didn't want the SS and SD he had Custody of the children with no child support.

Life was great until SS(now almost 21) started doing drugs and had a problem with Authority and therefore with his Dad. SS never really accepted me, told me numerous times "this isn't your house" - "you are here because of our Dad - not because of us" and so on. He finally ended up moving to BM when he was 18 and has since been in massive legal trouble but now, after 3 years, he is trying to straighten himself out.

SD and I always had a good relationship - not great - but good. Well, at least that's what I thought. It was obvious from early adolescence on, that she, just like her brother, has an authority issue. I always liked to describe it as her running smooth as long as she gets what she wants. Don't you dare put an obstacle in her way and she will flip in a second.
However, as I thought that everything was ok with our relationship she flipped out last year and had a major meltdown where she spilled her guts basically telling us that she doesn't give a F*&^% about what I say in the house, that she never wishes children on me and my Husband since we are such terrible parents, that she cannot understand how her Dad can believe me - Blood is thicker than water... However - the whole meltdown lasted for 6 hours. 6 hours of screaming and more screaming and DH sitting there and patiently trying to calm her down. Afterwards she decided that it would be best to move to her BM.

So she left, only to return 4 months later after BM was pushing her to get a job or go to school (she graduated at that time). Upon her return she would also say that her BM made it clear that nothing in her house was SD's. It was all her BM and her new Husbands. SD had a real problem with that. After she told me that I replied to her that it is the same in our house. To really make a point, we (H and I) developed clear rules for SD to follow. We learned from our mistakes in the past where she didn't have any rules and made it clear to her that the new rules are to be followed if she wants to live with us. She agreed to all terms - for now.

Shortly after it became evident that she hasn't changed or matured a bit during her absence. SD wants it all to be about her. My Husband told her before she came back to live with us again that our lives are very busy and that he will not cater to her as if she is 10 (btw - she's now almost 19). Shortly after returning she had a fall out with us in which she called me a B*****, our rules ridiculous and she recognized that she cannot live with either her BM or her Dad. Yet, she cannot move out (no job at the time and no drivers license).

It really bugged me for her to call me a B**** in my own house and it showed me again that she has no respect for me nor does she realize that this is indeed my house. She would ignore me when I would tell her to do something, only to turn around to her dad and tell him that I only talk to her when I have to give orders. First of all - I don't give orders and second - at that point - whatever I would have to say to her was responded with an enormous amount of attitude. I just got to the point where I didn't want to talk to her at all.

To make things a little shorter - here is our current living situation:

SD and I still don't talk - when she has something to say about me she will talk about me in the third person - even though I'm in the room. I won't do her dishes and I told her that it is not asked to much to clean up after herself - she would make a point by letting her dishes sit there for at least a week.
She doesn't do anything in the house, except for watching TV, talking on the phone for hours and eating. I clean her room and Bathroom. Don't judge me - I simply don't want rodents in the house - but I'm a tough cleaner - I don't mind throwing things away that are on the floor - therefore she's gotten pretty good in keeping the room clutter free.

She now has a job and makes decent money - yet - she still prefers stealing Shampoo and Soap as well as Tampons from our bathroom - it seems she just doesn't want to spend the money. It came to a point where I hid the shampoos, soaps and tampons - instead of buying herself those necessities she used Hand soap from the kitchen and Toilet paper for Tampons.

Sorry if that is too much information! It's just 1 example of how things are.

I feel terribly sorry for my husband as he is in the middle of all his - I'm trying not to complain to him but I also notice that I am getting depressed and physically sick. My Headaches are beyond and I have trouble sleeping.

The day before yesterday there was another argument and my Husband basically told us that we need to work things out otherwise our relationship to him will not be the same. Needless to say - Me and Him - we haven't talked much.

I love my Husband so much and it hurts me to see him like this but I don't know how to overcome the differences between my SD and me.

My frustration is beyond, she is wasting her life, has no goals and no drive. She disrespects her father and me and thinks that that is ok... Talking to her is impossible - she doesn't want to hear it - either yells to over talk me, leaves the room or plugs her fingers in her ears.

My Husband and I were thinking about having a baby - needless to say - the way my SD is acting - it kind of ruins the whole outlook on children for me.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Update # 1 –

So, after another sad evening with 3 people in the same house but all in different rooms hubby came to talk to me this morning. I have to tell you - the whole situation is really tearing him apart... However, I ended up standing my ground and not giving in this time. I basically told him that I would like us to work as a Team together to get SD on her way to a independent life but that I will not be talked to and about like I don't exist.
I know he never intended it to be that way - it just happened and I give myself fault as well. It was easier to just let him deal with SD's attitude and fuck ups - and now I'm paying the price.
He feels that he has to make up for his failures and I explained to him the process of enabling. I also asked him if he would have a stranger talk to him the way his daughter does - made him think! (great moment!)
My fear is that there is a very thin line (in my book) in me trying to explain the way I see things and him (and possibly her) feeling like I want to separate them. Which is so not my intent - but - I could come across that way...
We will see how things will develop. DH is out of town next week and I'm alone with SD... Not looking forward to that!

Update # 2 –

Bedroom Lock - the ultimate solution. And DH suggested it! WOW! So I went yesterday to buy a key entry lock for the bedroom that will be installed today. No more hiding my shit! DH also agreed that SD can buy her hygiene products herself now that she is making over a grand a month....
DH went out of town yesterday - just more room for SD to do whatever she wants...
Yesterday she went to drive her friends car - note - SD doesn't have a valid license and her permit is expired.... I saw it - but what am I suppose to do? Run after the car? Nah - she is old enough o carry the consequences... I'm totally disengaging... I just want my house clean and my bedroom locked... Now that we tackled the bedroom problem - the house clean thing is another one - yesterday it has been 8 days since SD last cleaned up her dishes... The sink is getting really full and I'm still refusing to put her dishes away. Please know that she doesn't rinse them either - she puts them in the sink as is - including leftovers...
I am so sick and tired of her!!!!
After the last fall out DH told her that she needs to straighten things out with me if she values her relationship to him - because when it comes down to it - she should know which relationship matters more to him.
The small battles we win... I wonder if he is trying to understand what that girl is doing to us, our family and our home....

I also sometimes wish I would have something positive to say about her - but I just don't...