Difference
Well, I don´t want to be childish, but I think my DH is making clear differences with SD and our kids.
He did not buy any presents for our kids for the children`s day (18th August) but he bought a USD200 gift only for SD.
I found the ticket and thought he could have bought something cheaper for each kid using that amount of money.
So I really felt bad about this issue and told him (also he did not buy me anything for my birthday -2 weeks ago), but I said nothing about it, no complaints.
Well here is his answer: my SD is the most important person in my life and I see her only a couple of days per week and I said: I realized she was the most important for you, but please try to be equal to all your kids, specially when you buy toys.
Really I am still astonished with his words, and want to process this situation, what makes me think what do we really mean for him?
I know the gifts are not the big issue, but his feelings are.
Two things. He probably buys
Two things.
He probably buys his SD a birthday gift because that's his job. He's not passing it off to you. And, it's very likely that you buy birthday gifts for your joint children.
Honestly, DH buys gifts for SD. I don't. But I buy gifts for the other kids.
Now, as far as him saying "she's the most important person in his life..." well, I think that requires a little more discussion. He's making clear to you where she stands with him, but is leaving the rest of you out in the cold.
You're completely right. The gifts aren't the issue. How he feels about different members of his family is. Good luck sorting this out with him.
thank you! I´ll talk to him.
thank you! I´ll talk to him. I am a bit more calm now, so I think we can have an honest talk about mine and his feelings and his priorities
haha yes, I did exactly what
haha yes, I did exactly what you said, went to the mall and bought me a t-shirt and leggings. Feel better now, relief that I have shared my thoughts with you! thank u
Sure for his last birthday I also organized a big party, cooked for 50 people and prepared 3 cakes + a gift.
Our kids are 2 years old (girl) and a baby boy (5 months)
SD is 8
When he parrots that SD is
When he parrots that SD is the most important person in his life the most effective response is probably to say 'what? What did you say?'
That will force him to really think about what he is saying. It's such a bizarre thing to say when you have a wife and 2 younger children that
I suspect he has programmed that concept into his brain since the divorce and repeats it by rote without really understanding what it means. Flip chip may be right about the division of labour for gift giving for the children, since your children are so young he may also feel that that they don't want or need gifts in the same way - a gift would mean much more for my 6 year old than my 2 year old. But failing to buy you a birthday gift is thoughtless and warrants an apology, you should certainly feel entitled to say so.
oh HELL no. if DH ever said
oh HELL no. if DH ever said that to me, "SSkids the most important in my life" my immediate response would be "Fuck you." followed by "get out. Now."
thank goodness he's not stupid
I can't believe he said that.
I can't believe he said that. This is really wrong. I think marriage counseling is in order.
I do agree with the theory of
I do agree with the theory of being guilty. Also his child suffers selective mutism and other issues, and the psychologist said she had a trauma in early childhood, so he blames himself for that, thinks it was a result of the divorce.
He is doing counseling, I will join him ASAP!!
Don't do anything for him, or
Don't do anything for him, or SD, only for the other kids. He wants to be a jerk and only get things for Sd the F*ck him. If it were me, id leave with kiddos. No separation of parenting and gifting there. not acceptable. must make the other kids feel horrible! every experience you have shapes you into the adult you will be, and if being treated like crap is in the cards for your other kiddos then fix it! don't just be a limp noodle and do nothing. Stand up for your kids! Put your foot down! Move on.
this very same thing has
this very same thing has happened at my house before, only we don't share biological kids together, although he does a great job with my kids. He has said this to me numerous times that SD is the most important thing to him in his life, and I was so afraid to question that because I was sure then I would become evil, unreasonable step mom... only since joining this community and reading up on the whole issue recently do I see how deep he's buried in the guilty dad syndrome, & how tight she has him wrapped around her finger.