Sorry this is going to be long but I really need advice.
DH is raising the child I call SD. She is really his exSD dd.
she has RADS. I'm not really sure why I stuck it out the first 18 months. They were horrible. She has hit me, kicked me, spit in my face ... Lots of screaming horrible things at me. My children were apart of this. 6 months in I told DH we needed to move apart. He got SD10 into counseling and we worked with a RADs counselor. Rather than this being a fix, it seemed to cause more problems. He is very soft with her. I call BS when I see it. Yep, I'm negative and hold a lot of resentment over what had happened.
There was never a punishment for this behavior as it was all blamed on the RADs. Finally I had enough, he had enough and he told her it can never happen again or she is going to a group home. She has smacked my hand once sense but nothing horrible.
Now, I'm a ghost. She doesn't talk to me. Makes the time DH is at work horrible for herself. I shut down her arguing Ina blink and don't play into the game at all.
I have this overwhelming feeling that is backed by something's DH says that I am blamed a lot for her behavior. I'm blamed for "holding a grudge". I'm blamed for feeling everything she does something wrong he only gets upset if it involves him. With my kids he wonders what else is going on. With me, he wonders if the behavior torwards me has to do with how I handle it because I'm biase.
I feel like I'm always wrong. I should see her positive changes even if they have nothing to do with me. Her behavior to me is not better, just different.
My kids are protected from most of this. They still see it but I have told them I'm your mom. All you need to worry about is what I tell you. Don't worry about her behavior. If she is mean or says anything come and tell me.
I feel like there is a cloud that hangs over me. If I don't fix this, he will leave. He has never said that. But I have started counseling and so has he. We have gone together a couple of times. We have worked on the now but I need to work on the past. The past with DH. He let her do these things to me and never punished her.
I feel removable. I wonder if leaving now will be better for everyone rather than in 5 years when it just can't be tolerated anymore.
I wonder what I mean to DH. I couldn't choose between him and my kids anymore than my right or left arm. I will protect my kids and I will raise them properly. I'm told I don't understand. She has behavior problems. Well, my kids have PTSD too. I have a RO against their dad. My DS has anger issues. My daughter use to be really anxious. I have worked with them to get through these. I don't sweep under the carpet.

I know this is a jumbled mess. I have a counseling appointment in an hour. I'm just so tore up over the whole thing.

I need DH to really hear how his behavior made me feel. I don't care if it feels like a low blow to him. They are my feelings.
I have posted before and been told I can't compare my daughter to SD. They are 4 months apart and SD acts like she is 4 and DH let's her.

More and more his days off are us fighting about SD. He brought up the point today. The fights aren't really about SD. They are about our feelings toward each other masked under SD issues.
So what does that say? He feels I'm mean, cruel, and heartless?????? I feel he loves no one on the planet even close to SD, protects no one else and I'm disposable to him.

Okay. I'm going to stop because everything is getting more jumbled