Will this EVER go away?
DH's cell phone rang and its a number from the area code where SD19 lives and of course I didn't answer it, no voicemail left on it either. I am so worried it was SD19 looking for a reconciliation even though I know DH doesn't want her back in our lives at this point because all that we went through is still new.
I find myself curious if its her more so because I can feel the anxiety/panic coming on. I just never know if its her because she changes her phone number regularly (learned druggies do that out of paranoia). Anyways just scared its her and scared she is going to try to call us or maybe drive down here to talk.
DH and I have a weekend (next weekend) all to ourselves and we hardly get those. My babies are going with their grandparents for the weekend. All I want is a fun weekend without anxiety of DH19 showing up or trying to reconcile. Even though I know DH wont let her but I know she will create a whole bunch of drama that will sit in my head for weeks and cause anxiety and panic whether I see her or not.
I know, worrying about what might happen is stupid but I cant help it. I am so scared of her coming back into our lives and wrecking me anymore. I really feel if I have to deal with drama from her one more time after these 2 years of me being sick, my next stop will be a psych ward in the hospital.
For info, if you haven't read my posts, I recently posted about health issues caused by stress from skids. SD19 is satin's spawn in my eyes.
Oh that's horrible what you
Oh that's horrible what you went through. Yes I am scared of her, our last conversation was that I cant keep my bio daughters from her forever, she said she will find them when they are 18 and it doesn't matter where they live she will find them. She said she will tell them all the lies about me (which aren't true, I have never lied to her, just told her how I felt about the drugs and refused to give her more money). I am scared of her boyfriend because he is so threatening. He has an extensive record and is capable of harm. I know he beats her, she wont admit to it and I tried when I was in the wanting to save her mode to help her but she constantly lied and kept running to him, I tried for 4 years with DH to help her. She says we never helped her and that we need to give her money because money does by love. Its so messed up. We tried our asses off to help her and she cant even see it.
DH has dropped all contact with her by choice of his own, he said that she has broken his family and seeing me so sick about it really makes him not want her back in. The only issue is DH does plan to tell her how she feels if she calls him, he wants to tell her how she has ruined so much for us and how much damage she has cost our family.
I don't ever want to see her again and I feel as long as she is tied to us somehow, by being his daughter, that I am forever stuck. He is a wonderful man to me but I am so scared of seeing her just knowing what it does to me physically with the horrible debilitating anxiety/panic that I have. I feel I cant catch a break from it. Honestly if I didn't have my girls, I would leave even though I would be leaving a wonderful man. It just makes me so sad.
Thank you so much for reaching out.
Thank you and yes we are on
Thank you and yes we are on the same page, thank god. I just know if she was respectful for one minute though that he would let her in. She has played this game so much, she will be respectful he will let her in and then if he leaves for a minute then she will beg me for something and if I say no, I am doomed. Or she will be respectful for a moment and then turn on us. I have yet to witness him tell her to just leave.
He says because of the last time we dealt with her, he is completely done. In a way, I do want to see him tell her off, but in another way I don't because of what it will do to me just seeing her.
I think I am just so bothered by it all because from age 7 to 15 I was her main mom. I was the one she was so close to because DH worked a lot and her mother was not her favorite person for a long time, she could see what BM was up to. Now that she is an addict, she thinks her BM is the best and that her dad and I now suck. I gave her the greatest childhood, did all her bday parties, took her shopping, spoiled her, she was there for me while I was prego with my first child and was a wonderful big sister. I think she just ripped my heart out to the point that I am afraid I can no longer forgive her. I pushed my own kids aside for 4 years to try and save her and in the end I am shit to her. I am sure her boyfriend has a big deal to do with it. I will and don't plan to ever like him. Oh and she is prego on top of it so the guy who introduced my once beautiful SD to drugs and in my mind has beat her up, is the father of our first grandchild. I see nothing but turmoil and I think that's why I tend to get so anxious.
Yes I have gone through cognitive behavioral therapy, maybe I need to read the book I was given for it again. Maybe that will help me. I have so much anger, hurt, fear, anxiety and panic in me. I wish I could rewind time to when she was 14 and nip all this in the butt right away instead of just trusting her when she told me her new group of friends were there for her and they were good people.
OMG yes send me some red wine and dark chocolates. Love them both
Thank you!!! thanks for listening to me.
Well I was right, it was her,
Well I was right, it was her, she called from yet another phone number and when DH answered it not knowing it was her all she said to him was "Hi Grandpa" and hung up.
I am so sick of her games because I saw the look on his face, he was angry at her but there was some sadness there because I am sure he would love to be part of his granddaughters life. She has no idea what she is doing to him, myself and her half sisters.
This is a perfect example of why I hate her.
Yup, its more of a slap in
Yup, its more of a slap in the face to her father (DH) because she is pregnant. BM says SD holds baby over her head all the time, well looks like she is now trying to hold that over DH's head.
Sometimes I feel like giving up and just making peace with her, but I know she will go all bat shit crazy on us when it comes to her needing money since she and her lovely boyfriend refuse to work.
I know. I really don't want
I know. I really don't want to see her or anything. I just want to get my self back together. I hate the sickness in me that she causes. I need to get a grip and learn to stop thinking about her. I don't know how, thank god I have a doctors apt coming up, thinking I might talk to my doctor about getting me into counseling again. I have never been like this until 2 years ago. Even the first 2 years I would fight with her or try and help her and still managed to not let it effect me too much. Now I am a mess. One day while I had another health problem, the anxiety and panic hit me for the first time in my life. I paid so much money out of pocket moving from dr. to dr. to figure out what was wrong with me...only in the end to find out I have severe anxiety and panic.
Now that I have suffered for 2 straight years, begging to get my life back, I find it so hard to forgive her. When she does shit like this its like rubbing salt into a wound. I am afraid my next stop will be to a hospital. I have never been committed before and I feel sometimes like I need it. Not to mention what its done to my DH, the man I love and our two children.
I know, that's why we let her
I know, that's why we let her go. It took a counselor to tell me that she is only going to change or get help when she wants to. It was what the counselor said and me sharing it with my DH that made my husband know that we did do the best we could, and until she wants the help, she isn't going to try.
I just hate what it does to me and my family.