First off this is hard for me to share. 2nd, I am going to shorten it because 4 years of hell is way too much to post. I have a toxic SD19 that DH and I have no contact with. Here is the story but mind you, very short version even though this post will be long.

SD19 was very close to DH and I since she was 7 until she turned 15. She got into drugs with her boyfriend that we did not approve of. She ran away a lot, got in trouble with the law, almost didn't graduate, bounced from school to school because she couldn't handle people at her school picking on her due to her own life choices (basically her friends didn't approve of what she was doing either). I was the main parent during this, DH worked all the time, I was going to school full time and taking care of house and kids and BM never really helped ever during the kids up brings so it was me. It was me who sat and watched her attack a police officer while she was high on something and this police officer was a friend of mine because I used to be in Law Enforcement. It was hard to be that parent sitting on the sidewalk crying, barefoot, and smoking a cigarette to calm my nerves (had quit for 6 years and I no longer smoke but sure did that summer lol). Anyways she stole our car 7 different times while on a permit, skipped school, trashed her car..ect. Ok now fast forward to a month ago. I got some nasty text messages from her and her boyfriend saying all sorts of threatening and mean things to me about her father and I. They were mad because we refuse to send her money now that she is an adult. We stopped the money also to quit enabling her, they used it for their drugs or her smokes. She is 19 and has NEVER had a job and refuses to work, so does her boyfriend, he only gets jobs when its required by probation or they are like now going through the courts facing felony drug selling charges. So that day my DH and I decided that we no longer want to be part of her life if she is going to continue to act like this. She told us since we wont help her financially she wants us out of her life too, she has no use for us. She has a baby on the way and this scares me because I hear she is still out partying. Ugh. So that is just a paragraph of the last 4 years. I haven't spoken to her in anyway in the last month and honestly, after what I have been through health wise, I never want to see her again. I stopped loving her that day.

So my health: in summer of 2011 I got a tick disease that caused me to be so sick. Well doctors couldn't figure out why it caused me to be so sick for so long. Major issues for 18 months straight. Had every test under the sun done and the only thing that popped up was that tick disease and I had some major anxiety which I had never had before in my life until that point. I could not drive a car for 9 of those months because of massive dizziness. The only thing I have left now is the anxiety/panic, some off balance issues and my left side has been diagnosed as having mild left sided paralysis (my left hand shakes and my left leg falls asleep regularly). Been tested for MS too. So my doctor finally figured it all out after a massive work up. The tick disease did half of it and dealing with the stress I had she believes that day I went to the ER swearing I was having a stroke (mind you, my left side was real bad then among like 30 symptoms, no lie). She thinks that the stress caused me to go into a mental breakdown and having my immune system deprived by my tick disease made it even worse for me. When this all hit me 2 years ago, I was driving in my car when it happened and almost passed out.

So fast forward health to today, the left sided issues and massive anxiety and panic. I still have troubles driving at times as it causes panic attacks. I get panic when she would call me, text me, see me anything that dealt with her also. It has caused me to not work, my hubby is very supportive, if it were his choice he would like me at home with our young daughters anyways since they need me and I am a good house wife, I feel he brings home the money so I do clean, laundry, make meals and do all the stuff for the kids. He works long hours so I am not hurting him by staying home BUT I paid and still am paying for my education. I went back to school after being a cop to switch careers. I am sad because I keep looking for jobs but they are like half hour to an hour drive to get to them in my field and I feel like such a loser because if I drive that far alone, I know I will have a panic attack. I am 36 years old and NEVER had issues like this before. Now it controls me and I know it came from that stress and the compulsive thoughts worrying about her and trying to help her and her refusing. I feel sometimes like I am mourning her loss. Like that little girl died and was replaced with satin. I am on an anti anxiety pill for the first time in my life and I am angry, I am angry she put me through this and cant help but blame her. My little girls had to watch their mama really sick and at the same time lose her mind. I just cant forgive her.

Anyways that was short version. I was just wondering if anyone else out there has gone through illness due to stress of their skids? I would love someone to talk to or just hear your story or advice. Thank you. I feel like a mess. I want my life back. I do have a plan. I want to wean off my medication slowly (talked with doctor about this). I miss having my glass of wine, no drinking at all on this med and I am not an alcoholic, I just like a glass of wine occasionally to calm myself. I plan to start working out again, I did this for a while with my oldest SD22 and worked on what I ate and I felt wonderful for a while but I fell off the exercise train lol. I want my life back!!!

A little background: I have been with DH for 12 years, two SD's 22 and 19 and two bio's with DH DD8 and DD3. Very supportive DH, sometimes he makes me mad but what hubby doesn't Smiling Thank you in advance to all that post on this. I really need someone.