(I tried posting this earlier, but it didn't show up. My apologies in advance if something should pop up later.)

So, I'm new here. I finally cracked after a sleepless night. I need someone who understands how I'm feeling. Or maybe this is just a preventative measure to keep my head from exploding.

To start, overall I am very happily married. My husband and I have a great life together. We love rock climbing and mountain biking. It is the glue that binds us. We live, laugh, and play together. We are very open and can discuss everything. Well, almost. The crux of our relationship is his boy. Sadly. I feel awful just saying it. I wish I could just accept and love him the way that his father does. I have tried.

In fact, our relationship didn't start out all that bad. When he first came into my life, we had a great relationship! We laughed and had a lot of fun together.

My husband and I had planned on starting a family of our own together. We were so very excited. I couldn't wait to have a child of our own. My own flesh and blood. I couldn't wait to see the life that we would create together.

When we first started trying, we almost immediately had success. And then I had a miscarriage. It devastated us. I had never experienced anything that could hurt so much and so deeply. To lose a life. The life that you and your love created nonetheless. It leaves you feeling so hollow and empty. That's when my relationship with his son started to suffer.

I couldn't bring myself to talk to him or look at him. I grew resentful. My husband and his g/f at the time accidentally had a child, where I had failed so quickly.

But I was able to put my mind at ease eventually. I was able to rationalize the loss. I would tell myself that it wasn't meant to be, and that this perhaps happened due to a potential genetic defect. I couldn't know for sure, but it helped.

So we began to try for our family again. And we tried. And tried. And tried. This September will mark our third year of trying. I've watched so many people bring life into this world. With little struggle or effort. They were able to feel that joy. I see them smile and wish I could feel that happiness; or at least be happy for them.

We sought treatment, to no avail. Throughout the years of trying, I've grown distant to his boy. What relationship we could have had feels dead. He reminds me of my failure. He reminds me of the family I can't give my husband. He reminds me of the bonds that I will never share with my own child. I struggle with the strain put on our relationship due to this child. I think thoughts that I never thought possible. How can somebody be so awful to wish that someone didn't exist? Because it hurts too much to handle? What kind of a person does that make me?

We only struggle now when he comes up to visit. Otherwise, we live a happy life. But, it's hard. I don't feel like I can talk to my husband as much as I used to about this topic. It hurts both of us deeply. I see such disappointment in his eyes with each passing month. I often wonder why he stays with a woman that can't provide a family.

I keep busy. I'm going back to school now to get a degree in wildlife conservation. I feel that I can at least do some good that way. I feel like I can help protect the world's creatures for other people's children to enjoy. I feel like I can find fulfillment this way. I've always had a calling to do more with my life. Perhaps this is why we haven't been able to have our family, I tell myself. I don't know. It brings me happiness though. I am eager to get out into the field and do so much more.

I hope one day that this sadness dissipates. I will continue to treat him well, if only to satisfy my husband's need for that fatherly bond. I will do what I can to give him his family with his son. But, one day, I wish that we can have OUR family.

D