Emails From Crazy BM
How do you deal with a BM with this type of mentality? Here are just a few highlights from the crazy emails we receive from her. Cheryl is the psychologist she decided the four year old ( 3 at the time he started) needed to see after SHE found out about me and our plans to get married.
She has made numerous allegations other then this about our care of SS when he had overnight visitation.
***** brings up adult issues that are clearly from your house. I don’t want him in a chaotic environment. I took him back to the counselor because of the statements he was making to me or anyone else once he returned from YOUR environment. I just talked with Cheryl and we had a nice talk about what was going on and she isn’t fooled one bit and as I said before, the statements ***** made should have caused me to be alarmed and have concerns. She hasn’t had the chance yet to help him with those thoughts that he has. I am not jealous of you and Kim, just seriously concerned about the mentality of you two while my son is in your presence and the crap he continues to talk about that comes from your house which he spoke about freely this past week.
What is so interesting is that after accusing us of not caring properly for this child and traumatizing him to the point that he is in counseling we receive this email.......
As of today, you will be keeping ***** on Sunday nights (for the weekends you have him ) and taking him to day care Monday mornings. Also, you will be keeping him over night on Wednesday evenings and taking him to day care on Thursday mornings.
If we take such horrible care of him and traumatize him to the point that he needs counseling and do and say "adult things" in front of him if she really believed these things to be true why in the world would she want us to keep him more? I have four kids and two grandchildren and if I really believe these things were happening at their fathers house I would stop visitation all together and take the issue to court. I wouldn't say, oh you're doing all these horrible things to my child therefore you have to keep him more! I just don't understand how this woman thinks. Can anyone out there enlighten me? And a big Thank You to those who respond. I think this board is what keeps me from having a breakdown over this whole nightmare.
Emails from Crazy BM
No she has not told us exactly what the child is saying. But we did find out from others that the "adult issue" he was talking about was our upcoming wedding. We were not talking to him about it but to each other and she says he overheard it. But she also said that he enjoyed meeting my daughters and had a good time at dinner with them. What is so strange about that is that when he supposedly said this he hadn't even met my daughters and didn't even know their names. They are young adults and we never had the four year old and them all together at the same time. Nor had there been any discussion with him about my children as they are all adults. My BF and I agreed when we became engaged that we would introduce my children and any changes in his father's household slowly to give him time to adjust. This all happened during a period when I was trying to slowly establish a relationship with him. We felt his getting to know me and my four children, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren all at the same time might be overwhelming for him and wanted to slowly introduce these new people into his life over a period of months. We realized then that she was relentlessly questioning this poor child after he had been with us. She knew my children's names because at the time she was messing around with my 1st EX. They had met at a bar and figured out their EX's were now engaged. Of course it was fine that the four year old met him and that he spent the night there with her. Apparently that type of "adult situation" the four year old can handle, he just can't handle his father and I talking about our wedding. But like I said this email is just one of many accusing of us all types of things. And I think she can get the four year old to say anything if she questions him right. That is why we stopped the overnight visitation. But still to this day we are constantly harassed by this woman. I just don't understand how she can do this to her child.
BM probably feels threatened...
You have to consider, that after all it is just a 4yr old talking, and anyone with a 4yr old knows that they ramble, exaggerate, they don't quite understand completely all conversations between others, so they want to interject when possible, they need to be the center of attention, it's all about boundaries at this point and how far can we push those boundaries. So, it most likely was just ramblings about your wedding, which of course BM feels insecure and threaten by. Her ex is moving on- officially- reality setting in. She may be feeling that the addition to SS's new family is taking away from her, or attention from her because SS was probably excited. It happens all the time. It all sounds like insecurity, jealousy, even maybe unresolved issues between the DH and BM- meaning BM hasn't really moved on, reality is hitting to close to her now, and she maybe attempting to 'hold on' to whatever from of the past she can keep attached to, may that be anger, personal vendettas, control, power struggle, who knows. Also, if she is in therapy, it could be that the TT pushed her, and so in retaliation, she's pushing you guys because she was blamed for something, or felt threatened about something. Don't know.
It could also be that your SS may not be getting the 'right' attention at his BM's. He may be using that as an avenue, because he knows and possibly has learned that she reacts to his ramblings, pays attention to him, when he mentions this and that about you or the happenings. And could be totally exaggerating. My SS used to do this at 4, because he was pushing boundaries with his own mother, and when he came here, we gave him tons of attention, then he go there, talk about what happened in a 4yr old rambling, BM got defensive because he exaggerated so much, and of course, we'd get a call. We just started to ignore her.
Instead you may want to draw your attention to SS. Make sure that he gets a good solid amount of one-on-one time during this hustle and bustle. When DH and I were planning our wedding, I made a point to make sure that he was involved with it, (We actually hired a magician to entertain all the kids during the reception- so they weren't running around like banshees, which SS was a great big part of. He felt so proud when the guy came and the kids LOVED it. That was HIS idea. LOL.)
The other thing I made sure was that SS got to voice any hesitations, apprehensions, or aggravations with DH or myself. We made a point to make sure that he was heard and dealt with his issues head on. Reason being, I wanted him to have a place to fall in case his mother pressed him, and feeding him negative ideas about us. He could see first hand that those negative comments about me, our relationship, whatever was just not true. She too drilled him with all sorts of questions, so instead of drilling him, we let him be a kid.
Same BM crap in our household too
BM makes allegations of Biofather, being abusive, mentally and physically but still continues to send her children with their father. Lets face it, SOME biomoms just cant face the fact that their ex husbands could move on and be happy and SOME biomoms can't face the fact that their children may be well cared for by another women. I have come to the conclusion that the BM in my case definitely has mental issues possibly by killing too many braincells smoking pot and will never accept the fact her ex husband has moved on and that their children could be comfortable by another womens affection towards their father.
I have chosen to hit the ignore button when the ex wife is mentioned or seen and when she doesnt get a raise out of me, I feel like I have won....eventually i hope she will go away or make a positive change in her life, that benefits her children and herself.