SD17 - need advice on how to encourage independence

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SD17 has shown very little interest in the steps towards independence and is very attached to her dad. This is her first year of Uni and she still maintains an almost childlike desire to stay home and hang out with her dad. We have been to a counsellor and made some great progress. DH takes her for driving lessons which she was refusing to do. DH also encouraged and went with her to help her apply for a part time job. She will do anything to please her dad so the ideas come from me and DH and then DH has had some success in getting her across the line with a few healthier initiatives like catching the bus and having a friend or two over but only when we really push it.

With an 18th Birthday coming up and 12 weeks of uni holiday, my fear is that once again SD will be home all holiday.

We talked to the counsellor about our starting point which was a 15 year old who thought she had equal and at times partnering status with her dad. We are all learning but at times it is a real strain. Her attitude is superior and entitled. She is bright and does well at Uni but the superior attitude is hard to deal with. i wish she had friends or even a boyfriend to hang out with. She loves nothing more than to sit plonk in the middle of my family and friends when they are around with a superior attitude. I hate it! Phew I finally wrote it. Why can't she get her own life?

BM is angry and negative and has resisted all attempts to coordinate so we have no idea what independent activities SD may or may not do at BM's house.

Should I be worried? It feels claustrophobic and it drains me. Also not great role modelling for my 5 year old. To me if feels like there is trouble brewing somehow. Like I have created an imbalance and that really neither daughter or father. DH gets cranky when I insist on stuff like taking my 5 year old to see a children's movie without SD17 tagging along.

Help. Has anyone had to set some boundaries around this sort of behaviour?

Thankyou for sharing. The

Thankyou for sharing. The suspicious part of me suspects that SD's BM really benefits from slowing down her daughter's progress. I think she would love the tension it creates in our home and the continued dependence of the daughter on the father. DH is doing a great job in the circumstance.

Is your sd full-time or EOW?

Is your sd full-time or EOW? I ask because my ysd was like that, at the same age. Her reasoning I believe was that she only saw her dad EOW so she wanted to spend all of her with him. I could sort of understand it but yes it sometimes drove me nuts that every minute of her weekends with us was spent right with dad

I used to try to 'escape' whenever I could LOL

Ysd also did not want to drive, preferred my H drive her everywhere. She would come to our place and ask 'what the plan was' as she was used to everything revolving around her and basically having H entertain her like she was on mini-vacation every time

Her first part-time job helped as she generally had a shift during this time...

They do grow up and eventually move out. Ysd now lives in her own home many miles away and we talk to her weekly...

My SD17 is EOW. It's good to

My SD17 is EOW. It's good to learn that this is not uncommon.

My DH has several friends with children the same age and they tell us all are out a lot doing things just like we were at that age. I was wondering whether it is about the divorce creating a neediness to be with her dad. Sound like your SD had the same.

When I escape with my son who is 5, DH wants to come too and then ofcourse SD wants to come too. I think you are right that planning to get out every second weekend is better. I had a theory that if he let SD17 know in advance something they will do together then she will feel less needy. I even suggested they go on a full weekend road trip which they did. Two weeks later you can feel her sadness again because the last few days were all just normal - not especially revolving around her.

It just gets me down.

The part time job has helped I agree.

Tell me what else helps. Should we try to get her to have a friend over again for example? I think that worked well last year at school. Made things more normal and less tense.

I am going to put this as

I am going to put this as nicely as possible, but you have to stop spoiling her. I went through this and realized WE were the ones who created this! You can spoil a child with attention and when it is taken away they don't know what to do. Like there is some magic age where a kid grows up. Well there isn't a "magic" age! I have corrected myself with my own daughter and but sadly the Bio mom of my SD refuses to think she has done anything wrong in raising a child who has entitlement issues. At this age a kid has to know they have responsibilities. The divorce does tie into things because of the guilt the parents feel, but if they could just figure out their lives can't revolve around their kid Bio or Step how much more rounded a kid would become. I am curious what your therapist has said?

I have very similar problem.

I have very similar problem. I feel at times as though my dh "overparents" 17yosd. I feel that at times we have two families. Our family and his family. We have been married since children were small. His ex is a drain on our finances and I feel has until recently held her dd back. Recent pt job has improved things some, at first, but then I realized that the more I expected out of her, the more of a wall was created. She has done nothing to increase her independence and dh has done nothing to promote that aspect of her life. I fear that while she is a good girl she is going to be a burden to us in her early adult years or worse yet make me a grandparent too soon. I have some hope reading others comments that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. SD also lacks friends that come to the house and any discernible social life. I have a hard time raising a young lady that is so different than anything I experienced as a teen.

Yes, encourage your sd to

Yes, encourage your sd to have friends over. My ysd did this occasionally and at least didn't have to be entertained by dh as much when a friend was there... when she started dating we would encourage her go out and see her boyfriend but she actually wouldn't if it was dad's weekend. She eventually started to bring her boyfriends over for dinner to meet dad.

Now, she still needed to be the centre of daddy's attention but my H actually really liked some of her boyfriends and they could have a good conversation together and I found ysd and I bonded a bit more during those times...

Your sd does sound a lot like my ysd she seems to need to be the centre of her dad's attention and wants very much to please him. Part of it may simply be she is 17, doesn't see her dad regularly and has an idea in her head of how it should be? At least, this is how my ysd was.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing by gently encouraging her independence.

It is so good to read your

It is so good to read your comments. That is another aspect of the problem that SD17 is any many ways the opposite of the kind of young woman that I would hope that I would have raised. I am a decent person and know that is not her fault. However it just creates a massive distance because I do not recognise what is unfolding here.

The problem too is DH seems to be inclined to overprotect and compensate so any comment could make me the bad guy. All very confusing for me. Not fun.

Her sadness or neediness, or whatever it is, permeates the walls in our home and I know that somehow DH blames me that I should jut create wonderfulness everywhere and make it better. I can't. I read an article that said teenage stepdaughters who had their dads to themselves mourn the primacy of that past relationship. I get that but it is three years now and really at 17, nearly 18, the world should be her oyster. Parties, friends, first boyfriend, university degree, first bit of freedom. I loved that stage of my life. My parents would say "You treat this house like a hotel." If only that were my complaint.

DH hates that I feel this way. I should just not say anything right? Otherwise I will be the bad guy.

I can see it would make it

I can see it would make it more difficult if your sd is not turning out to be the girl you would like her to be At least you can take comfort that she is not your child (not your problem)

I get not ever being able to say anything that can be taken the wrong way or your H will get defensive as well. I think a lot of our H's are like that! I've learned over the years to stay out of things as much as I can. My H's eldest has created a lot of drama and stress over the years and I've learned to just walk away and let my H parent (or non-parent actually) without my involvement or comments

With that said, the only time I do get involved is if H's daughters (or his competitive sister for that matter) is disrespectful to me - I will certainly say something then!

Your dh shouldn't expect you to 'fix' things for your sd. And yes, at almost 18 you would think these sd's would be out with their friends and boyfriends, work, driving, school etc.. all keeping them occupied and not in the least interested in hanging out with daddy :?

My H's eldest at 18 was so over the top jealous and resentful of my relationship with her father that I used to often wonder the exact same thing as you are now wondering about your sd. At 18 - and this one, H's eldest, was living with us full-time - still not working. H had to practically force her to work, eventually got her a job in the same company he and I worked at. But this after her throwing a major temper tantrum...it was like she felt he wanted to get rid of her or something :? H just wanted her, like your sd, to be independent and transition into the world of adulthood which included a career in the professional world.

And sort of like your sd is now, H's eldest had more interest in having my H to herself and me out of the picture than she did anything else it seemed :? I used to think, at 18 WHY is she not so busy having fun with friends, spending time with her boyfriend, going to school and working that her dad's love life isn't the last thing on her mind????

I'm sorry but I did and always have found it confusing

I was around your sd's age when my parents divorced and big changes in my life but with friends, boyfriends, school, part-time jobs not to mention mom and sf, brothers and sisters and step-brother and step-sister....well my dad was unfortunately not a top priority (and believe me he had a terrible time with the divorce)

So yes I agree with you, just don't get these kids these days that are total little mini-wives to our H's and seem to have no life beyond that!

Last night we had a big

Last night we had a big fight. GRRrrrrr. Discussion was that i was tense when SD is around which she was for the last 5 days. So frustrating. Yes ofcourse everyone is tense because she just sits there attached to her dad. I had two lots of family and friends over and she just sits there in the middle wanting attention from her dad. I am polite and inclusive and am frustrated that somehow it is still my fault that SD17 does not go out, interact well when we have company or just offer to do things. Not my fault. I am the least tense person and was enjoying myself with the exception of the energy draining force of nature in the room.

Why can't he see what everyone else can see? How can he think this behaviour is normal for a 17 year old? Where is parenting in all this rubbish?

Wish we had not fought. I hate fighting and I love my husband.

Am so worried about the long university holidays coming up. Hope our relationship survives this one. I have rung the counsellor to book an appointment and think I better book them at least monthly for a while.

He can't see that his

He can't see that his parenting is rubbish because he's functioning from guilt at separating from his daughter's mother and is also functioning from the fear that if he doesn't do exactly what she wants all the time that she will cut him out of her life.

Unless and until he addresses those issues, nothing is going to change.

It's an awful situation and one i'm in right now too. You will always be the "bad person" unless and until your partner realises his drive and motivation here,and the SD is only going to get worse the more she sees how her behaviour is affecting and potentially destructing your relationship.

As my girlfriend described it - he's being a "Disney Dad". Not realising that ultimately he's not only potentially destroying his relationship with you... but also setting his daughter up to really struggle in adulthood. She will function as a self-focused, self-absorbed diva, who will have no idea or concept how to not be centre of attention.. and in particular, won't be able to function in a romantic relationship unless the man dotes on her every whim like her father did.

It's not a good scenario on a multitude of levels - it's quite sad really.

I feel for you x

So sorry you're going through

So sorry you're going through this! You deserve better

Thankyou. You have no idea

Thankyou. You have no idea how much comfort having a place to write and share has provided to me at times.

Whilst DH and I love eachother, these set backs on this almost fortnightly cycle have been emotionally exhausting for me. I have allowed it to upset me at times to the point that my health, parenting of my 5 year old and career have suffered. However, I understand and own that it is my responsibility to control my emotions and reactions. That is what I must improve in this process.

Whilst I can hope that with SD not far off 18, there may be some further improvements with her becoming more focussed in the future on deeper friendships, her first boyfriend (he hasn't turned up yet), driving birnging more independence, I cannot count on it. In the meantime I have to get better at having faith in myself and ignoring the blame or criticism sent my way.

I am in same boat with my 17

I am in same boat with my 17 sd. She's very sweet for most part but controls us or should I say her dad. She just wants to lay on couch and be best friends with him and he's a buddy out of guilt. We have a 2 year old together and while I love every secon with my son - trying to raise him with them has been hell. The day of my c section he invited my 18 year old stepson at time to stay in hospital with us! I flipped! Both teen step kids were at hospital from morning til night holding baby and taking him from me and my mom. I tried to say something and my husband would guilt me and say I wouldn't do this to my bio kids. It got worse when we got home. Finally I had to dig heels in sand and set major almost extreme boundaries. I can never relax bc if I let up on a boundary they will take a mile. My husband thinks they are perfect and that I'm a witch. My sd has even said she wants my son to want her more than anyone and refers to him as her brudder and talks like a baby constantly. It's hard. When I came home from hospital it was like octopus hands. It was like my baby was a gift to them from my husband to make things right. Since he's theirs they see whatever is his as their possessions which includes me and my son. It was like they all conceived and had baby and I was watching until I put foot down and let me tell you- it's been hard. My sd will be 18 soon but has regressed to acting like a child bc she wants all attention. Even when she plays with my son she is only doing it to get attention. If we are all together I'm an outcast and I hate it. The kids do love me but only if I'm buying them things, taking them places and letting them control me. I have walked this tight rope for 2 years. My husband thinks I'm nuts bc his kids are perfect and I must be jealous. We can't even talk bc he gets irate and it makes me feel worse. It actually makes him kiss their butts more. Anyway- I almost cringe when they are around my baby. Also my husband forbid me to ever call my son their half brother (which he is) bc that would destroy them. Ummm they are 17 and 19 now almost 18 and 20. I feel like she's a second wife and I have tried everything to just ignore or accept. I want to run all the time- be gone and come home when it's time for me and baby to go to bed bc my husband won't hear any of it. He gets borderline verbally abusive at even the suggestion of any spoiledness or manipulativeness from either of them. We just took sd on a trip with us and he could only spend good time with me and our baby while she was asleep or on an excursion with a friend bc if she's around it's all about spoiling her at all costs. I don't want my son to grow up in broken home. Also my husband plays good guy buddy to kids so when their bio mom tries to get on to them they just head out to "dads" (without even calling or texting. I never know when I'm going to be cooking for everyone or anything. My husband says they will never have to let me know. ) It's a prison. Sad thing is they are really sweet and good kids. Just controlling, entitled and spoiled. They fight me whether they know it or not and he refuses to see anything other than jealousy on my part. My sd thinks if she's home then baby is hers. It makes me pull back 100%. He thinks that's case too'!!! She wants to be home all the time bc she's scared she might miss something. She's lazy and I'm not sure she will do college and I'm afraid if she wants to stay with us then it will be her or me. I just don't want him to sabotage me like he did their bio mom even tho she's wacked out of her goard. I have stepped back. I used to do everything for them. Their bio mom hates me and calls me Mary poppins around town. She will not carry her weight and sees me as nanny as do they. I have just quit. I'm only happy when she's with friends or her mom. My ss is at college so that's been one good thing. I realize my sd does a lot of things not realizing it but my resentment is with my husband bc he always chooses them. It's like I'm a second class citizen. I have to fight for my time with son bc they took so much from me te first year. No boundaries and my husband would tell me I needed to get used to it or it would be them and my son and I would be living somewhere else! He won't even make them
Throw their trash away. They do nothing but breathe my air! Sometimes it's too much. I was very secure and successful before and now I'm constantly having to manipulate all the factors in order to get through a day. Anyone have any solutions?

I am in same boat with my 17

I understand how you are

I understand how you are feeling. If you try to take on everything at once, it will feel overwhelming. Like you, I feel that my SD17 plays pretend wife with DH and mummy to my 5 year old. Like yours, she only does it to impress DH when he is there. A few weeks back I had to go out urgently and asked her to just mind for 30 minutes, came back after 10 minutes to find my son crying in one room and her sitting with headphones on, curling her hair in another room. I hate this fakery too. My instinct makes me overemphasise my feelings about this though. I have realised that her faking that she likes my son and being pretend mummy although annoying is not particularly harmful under supervision. I feel for you because your little one is so little and you haven't had the chance to get your breath back by the sound of it. Remember, you are the only mummy and he loves you. Love yourself too in all of this.

Figure out what you need the most to improve your happiness and enable you to enjoy your little one more without this (justified) feeling of being taken for granted. I cannot explain why our DHs are like this. My family and friends tell me it is guilty dad syndrome. DH and I only got on track after seeing a very experienced counsellor. Somehow we both listened and heard eachother better with a counsellor in the room. We are now able to communicate so much better than I could have hoped for and although there are still some ups and downs, it is going in the right direction and it is so good to remember how much we love eachother and feel the gap opened by SD17 closing down again.

Sounds like there is some relief with SS at college. BM not helping by the sound of it. I have one of those on the scene too.

Tackle one priority at at time. Be tough and be strong for yourself and for your child. Sounds like you have started disegaging which is great news. Why should SD17 just decide not to go to college? Just because she thinks she has her life set up via your husband and child. That's crazy. My SD17 is the same. I think she just wants to hang with DH for the forseeabe future. We need to turn the tables calmly in each discussion. What are their plans for the weekend? What are their plans for travel and college? Friends, boyfriend, travel? What are their plans? Every 2nd Thursday SD17 arrives, we have dinner and say "What are your plans for the weekend?" We got her a part time job and insisted she keep it. What about driving lessons? Don't defend. Attack as well. Calmly.

What do you need to improve the most? I took up running so when it gets to me, I put the headphones on and get on the running machine to mentally escape.

Hope those thoughts were a little helpful. Keep in contact on this site. Lots of good ideas here and people who have been there and some have come out the other side.

Your post is very helpful. I

Your post is very helpful. I think if my husband would give any credence to my plight it would be more manageable. We went to counseling and the male counselor took husbands side! I have always been kind and patient with her bc I know it will make it worse if she smells blood but I think it's too late. I think he has let her know there's blood. I think they are that close. It's weird that he's always telling me she's just a kid but talks to her about adult matters. I'm sort of stuck. He plays good guy with no discipline so even when Bm tries to discipline or assign chores all she has to do is come to daddy's. she has no set schedule and he has let me know they will never be required to call first. I had to forbid her nicely to not post pics of him on Facebook - it got extreme. She only wanted my baby for pics and attention and I feel violated bc their mother comments on how he looks just like her baby's (which he doesn't) but since everyone wants to make sure they are included people go on and on just to pacify them. Little does everyone know this baby has been all about them. I have issues now with him since this started in hospital day I gave birth. I cringe if she is with him over 10 minutes bc its extreme trying to get him to want her all the time. I know that's irrational looking to them but they are all boundary bombers. Right when I came home from hospital they would come in and think he was theirs if they were home and he called them as we were leaving hospital and told them to meet us at house so I never had time. If I was in room nursing he would tell sd to go in even tho he knew I wanted and needed to be alone to keep milk going so I had to switch to formula. If they needed the bathroom they would go into my room while baby and I asleep and use ours even tho there were 2
Other bathrooms! They would stop and admire and talk about baby not caring I was recovering. Once I put my foot down that was first to change with no help from husband. He lets me do all dirty work and then overcompensates to make up for my "immaturity". Ill never forget first week home from hospital I would ask my ss to put his giant shoes in room bc I would trip over them holding baby during night. On night 3 when I almost broke neck I woke my husband up and said you have got to talk to him about minding me and said its rediculous and he screamed in my face and threw them at max speed down hall and against ss door but he wasn't mad at ss it was to make me look mean. My husband is a good man but if I speak out he turns into someone I don't like. Oh! When his ss was 17 and if he stayed up later than us husband wouldn't let me shut door (living room outside our room so tv and light blaring) he never would tell me why- I was baffled. One night I had had it and waited on ss to go to bathroom and started to shut door and husband grabbed door and we had a tug of war with it until he won and it stayed open. It was all bc he didn't want his 17 ss to feel left out. He only loves on me of sk's are not in room or around so its like a huge secret. Sd is technically with us all the time but had been spending more time like 2 days a week with Bm but something has triggered a regression to where she wants to stake he claim on her dad. It's bizarre to me. I was so close to my dad but not needy like that. It stinks bc I can't let go with kids and my baby. My body won't let me. Sd whines all the time and complains and uses te word crap to describe everything and personally I would like to spare my child some of those habits that are picked up based on who they spend time with. Here's what I do now that I'm disengaging. She is now coming home at 3:45 so I leave around 3 and take son to go visit elderly people until around 6:45. (Sucks to have to run from your own home but its not going to be my home for a while) anyway I usually get home and she's laid out covered up on couch and he's in chair and they are watching tv and acting like two teen friends. They just look at me and go straight for my son. I go to kitchen an it's always wrecked and she hates left overs so he always cooks her something fresh. I let my son wander around living room for about 15 mins then say I need to feed him then bathe him then put him to bed. My husband has lunch breaks and time when she's not
Here to see him for however long he wants but I still feel bad that I'm rushing the time. Oh- she can't be alone. Even when she's staying at Bm house she comes here til her mom gets home from work. My husband won't even go outside if its just them. He babysits her then goes outside wen I get home. She will be 18 in 3 months. If it were just him and me and my son then he would be outside until bedtime and my son and I would be in and out or he would play with son so he's staying in as if she's a baby. I usually just got to bed at 8:30 with baby bc there's just not room for me out there. She's really sweet too - but I see and know when she's lying, manipulating, guilting etc and he can't and won't. She is te spitting image of we Bm which is beautiful but you can see why people's comments hurt my feelings about my baby. I'm my husbands third wife and before we married I was number one. They were with him every other weekend then. Three days before we got married Bm called and said she couldn't handle their fighting her and that she needed to come stay with us so then their schedule turned half and half and is now the sd is in charge which leaves her no accountability and me no structure. I try to get it out of her but she changed it on me. If I ask too many questions it makes it worse. We just got back from
The family trip from hell and she knew we had fought and ever since then things have worsened. She's clingy to him and has taken over. I kin of had her at bay for most part. She told me the other day she should be coming home immediately after school instead of hanging with friends in order to make up for time she's missed with her dad the last few years. To me that was her saying she's taking her dad back which I hate to break it to her- she's had more of him than me. He won't even be intimate with me and how could we bc she just shows up without any notice all the time. She really thinks she owns her dad and my son an that I'm in way of both but is very passive aggressive. Oh! This is kicker! A while back my husband sent my mom a text whom I see everyday. She knows how good of a mother I am and witnesses it daily not that I need to explain. Anyway he told her if she loved her grandson she would get me some help bc I was going to treat our Son like I do her (which is great) but I assure you it will be different. He accused me of being nuts and all kinds o stuff. I was mortified. My mom was mortified. They had a day long fight and she witnessed his verbal abuse and was just sick. He finally texted us and apologized and admitted to being bitter and angry at women. Ok..... Hmmm... I don't know how I even came home but I know if I left then he would turn son against me like he did his son and daughter against their mother by playing good fun guy even when they do bad. I sometimes feel like I have post traumatic stress! He would do all this stuff after baby then say it never happened and that I was nuts then say it did but I misunderstood then would deny it all over again so I never got any validation. He was dishonest with counselor bc he lies to himself. He's done counseling with 2 exes and he had already told me that he triggers then stays calm and let them go off and look crazy. Told me this while dating never thought it would happen to me. Anyway- so glad to meet you and thank you for being there. I hate rambling but I have been suffering silently an it's so good to have a place to vent. Maybe it will help me stay silent on things that are only going to be twisted. So I take it things are better with your sd or have you just learned to deal? Anyway- I have control issues now with my son when she's around. It's like her mom and dad give give give over give, kiss up and I'm not going to enable that behavior. My steps only want me if I'm buying for them or taking them places. I'm useless if I am just here. Anyway- you think there's hope? My husband won't let me make changes. I make the ones I can with her away from him but she always knows she doesn't have to if he's there so its a game. Do you think I'm just jealous or
Is this even real bc he makes me think I have no right to have these feelings! It's torture. I wish the best for
You all and pray they take flight at 18:) she is a senior so I have another 12 months plus a summer before she could even go anywhere else. I feel horrible even saying it.

I worry that you are in

I worry that you are in shock. It is a very important time when you have a baby and the natural bonding that you want to do. Sounds like you have a routine that although not ideal for you allows you bonding time with your little one. Don't feel horrible saying that it is really hard for you to live somewhere where you DH gives a teenager girl much of his quality attention and maybe opening up a gap. The main loyalty and bond should be with the couple first. Its healthier for everyone. I think you are doing an amazing job of coping. Shame that the counsellor wasn't much good. We saw a dud first time and then tried another. You are smart enough to be questioning yourself and reaching out for help. I really feel you will be ok whatever choices you make if you keep your inner strength and do not doubt yourself.

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SD17 - need advice on how to encourage independence