well i moved to california after being talked into by my boyfriend last year. I was not pregnant and had visions of continuing school. btw im 29, had a government job and left it all to join him and my family here in this new state. shortly after moving here, he convinced me to get an apartment together. the fact that i was going to continue school was out of the question and impossible. he assured me.

before we moved to this new state we lived together. we owned a house and i had a great job. it wasnt all happy for us. we used to argue alot. way too much. where two days of no fighting seemed like weeks. pretty much one of us was in tears every other day. it got to the point to where i either kicked him out or he chased me around the house to grab me, argue to my face hold me down just horrible nightmares. after moving i promised never to go back with him because of all the memories were just living and eating my soul.

One of the main reasons we fought so much was because of my nine year old. Now this is my biological child. You can say im in love with my daughter. I was alone for a long time so me and her always shared a room. I talk to her like if shes a little grown up person. we enjoyed shopping,movies, eating and fun fun fun.

then i met this guy. this guy is an attention needy person. he always wants everyone to love him, everyone to be his friend, and yet as lovable as it sounds he is a granade. in just seconds he will explode into anger and he will promise he will be your worst enemy. anything from storing texts, conversations, even secretly recording you, a freak as you may call it. he will go above and beyond to ruin your life. alot of times this is why i stay. I have nothing to hide but knowing one day he will hurt me is scary enough. I do love him but the fact that hes needy keeps me with him.

fast forward one year we are now moved in to our new apartment. we are expecting his first baby. This is the frightening part. (as if it wasnt bad enough with our past) He has already threatened to take my new baby away, even before shes born! he says all this crap its just unbelievable to hear a grown man speak like this.

Today for example... As you know we have a horrible history. were even the cops have been called. ive been cheated on by him, even held down by the throat. Well anyways my 9 yr old has always witnessed about 90 percent of our fights. were he dosent care to yell at me like a demon infront of her. she has no idea how to feel, she treats him the way we treat each other. anyways he got home, i swear not even 2 minutes later hes arguing her, like a child her age... "what do i do wrong? you see its all your fault" bla bla bla. i told him if you loved her you would notice she wants attention just like you. she does have an attitude i admit. but its almost as if he shrinks and transforms himself into a ten year old.he will eat her candy, her food, he will play her video games, he will fight and cry like a ten year old. how can this man be any influence to my child. oh and one thing i have not mentioned, he yells when he talks. like zero to a hundred, yells. out of nowhere no one loves him. everyone hates him and he seems to cry out, listen to me not her. they fight over who can talk first. cmon really? this is just things i never even had a problem with or even the thought of it is rediculous.

theres just so many parts ive left out but im here to vent. im so scared that once this new baby is born my nine year old will suffer. why havent I left him? too easy to ask so hard to answer. I just cant. I CANT. ive tried numerous times and yet here i am. now with a new baby on the way, hah! but i know im crazy enough to get up and leave. I just misplaced my life and have no foundation. id have to be very comfortable with my financial status to get up and leave. or just have a head start somewhere. For the love of my daughter i have left before. because living with him is a hell hole. he seems to think hes a parent even though he has no children as of yet. Then he comes and tries to tell me how to be a good parent. seriously? i know i seem like the bad one because im doing this to my daughter. i know. i just seem to see a brighter side everytime i get motivated to leave. Ive tried looking for father daughter stuff, no either to expensive, or not fitting. Im just caught in his world. and i dont know how to wake up.