How to talk to boyfriend about his son?
My boyfriend, M, and I have a great relationship. We've been together for about a year and we get along really well. I've never felt so strongly about anyone
I do have one issue that I know I need to bring up with him, but I don't know how or when. He has a young son from a previous relationship. He's a nice kid...very smart and outgoing. My problem is how much M babies him.
I feel like if the kid cries, M will give him anything he wants. He negotiates with his kid (and comes out on the losing end). He tries to encourage his son to express his feelings, but more often than not just gives him the thing that will make him happy. He's afraid to be stern/yell. Going out together is the worst...his kid acts out, has no manners...sometimes I feel resentful towards my boyfriend about it.
This has been extremely frustrating for me, as it completely goes against the way I was raised/plan to raise my kids. I don't feel like I can say anything since he's not my child and I really don't have a say in how he's raised, but I know for sure that this isn't how I want it to go if we have kids in the future.
How can I express this to him? I don't want to offend him by critiquing his parenting...but I don't see how I can talk to him about this without hurting his feelings. And when should I bring this up? I don't want to do it out of anger some time when I get annoyed/frustrated.
I can't help but think about terrible future scenarios. Let's say we get married and have kids. For some reason, it doesn't work out and we get a divorce. I know I'll be the “bad parent”, because he'll be giving our child everything they want.
Again, I feel like this conversation needs to happen, but is it too early? Should I wait until we're more serious and actually talking about marriage/kids?
I'm just at a loss here. How? When? What is the most tactful way?
Same here. I had my son right
Same here. I had my son right before I turned 20. Everyone always told me what a great kid he was and complimented his behavior and manners. Now he is 22 and people still send me messages on FB to say things like "Hey, ran into your kid the other day. He really is such an awesome person and so great to be around. You did a great job raising him." Now, FDH on the other hand NEVER gets compliments on his kids behavior. Ever.
I think you need to sit him
I think you need to sit him down and have a calm conversation about this. Tell him that you do not want to criticize him/his parenting. However, you feel embarrassed by his behavior in public and feel he needs to work on his behavior and manners. Tell him you understand that he loves his son and wants to make him happy. But parenting isn't about being a friend to your child. As our therapist told FDH, to be a good parent you give your child what he needs, not what he wants. And what this kid NEEDS is some boundaries, structure and consequences for his behavior. He needs to be respectful of others and he isn't right now. He needs to understand that he's raising a future adult who needs to learn how the world works and how to get along with others. The world will not revolve around him and he won't be equipped to be a successful adult in the real world if he is raised this way. Then ask him how he'd like you to support him in this.