New Daughter/Step-Daughter
Ok so I’ll try my best not to bore you with my issues. I need help, like really, I really really need help. I am going to drive myself insane If I don’t talk to someone about this who (1.) Won’t judge me (2.) Won’t slap me with the Bible. The title of my Topic says “New Daughter/ Step Daughter” because I honestly look at her as my baby from another lady. Not a step-daughter, you see her Mother passed away in a terrible car accident a little over three months ago so while I understand I will never replace her Mother, I’m the only thing she’s got close to it. She took it how I believe your normal 3 yr. old will. Asked for her mom a lot at first but then kind of slacked off a bit. I still don’t think she totally understands however, she no longer asks for her mom. With that being said I think it’s important to know I have a biological son of my own so I do know that tingly motherly love you feel when you stare into your child’s smiling eyes. Unfortunately, I do not get that with her. I care about her deeply and yes I DO love her but this child works my nerve and I feel like there’s something wrong with me because no matter how I try and tell myself that everything she’s doing can be chalked up to her age I REALLY JUST DO NOT BELIVE IT! My husband is a great father to both children he really is but there is indeed that soft spot for baby girl that cannot be mistaken (Totally fine with that btw). Okay, on to the meat of this post all this aggravation started not because she has a little trouble listening and doing what I tell her too ( I mean she’s three right?) I can deal with that. But it’s the way my husband treats her. IMO he’s raising her to be one of those women who are spoiled and needy and just aggravating. Am I being inconsiderate? I understand totally she just lost her Mommy and she has to get accustomed to her new environment but it’s been a little over three months should she still be waking up crying for Daddy? I’m talking screaming, then soon as he walks in the room smiles?? That trembles my bones (makes me angry) especially during the work week. She won’t eat all of her dinner and start screaming again an hour later claiming she’s hungry and instead of giving her the rest of her food he’ll give her chips, juice ect. And because she’s so accustomed to these things her behavior reflects spoiled and whiney ALL THE TIME. I want to grab my husband and just tell him to maybe try comforting her once in the night then sternly telling her that she needs to go to bed. Night time is for grown-ups and she needs to sleep in her room and hush! And if she cries maybe try, I don’t know a spanking perhaps?!? I would do it to my own in a heartbeat (by the way he is 1 and acts nothing like this) and NO she’s not scared she just wants to “sleep with her daddy” ugh! And when it comes to dinner time maybe try telling her if she doesn’t eat all of her dinner nothing else will be provided. I was raised in a home where you could have as much dinner as you wanted (as long as you ate what was prepared) I plan to stick to that. She’s a really sweet little girl that’s why I feel so bad that I’m so aggravated with her. It’s really her Dad I should be aggravated with but he’s already made it clear that he is the disciplinarian and while he respects what I have to say it’s pretty much his way.. Am I just being a selfish b!tch??? Everything I want from her I want from my own child. I really do not treat them any different. HELP :O
Her mom died? I know she's
Her mom died? I know she's only three, but you and DH should probably be in counseling over this. There are a lot of things that will be different for all of you because of this event, and he probably has no idea how he's supposed to be parenting his kid who's Mom just died. I know of noone who just knows how to do that without fucking it up.
So yeah. Maybe some talk with the two of you and a professional before guilt parenting destroys you.
You know how you sense DH has
You know how you sense DH has a soft spot for her. She does to and yes, she is playing on it. Because that is a natural, normal thing to do. Girls do it with their dads, boys with their mums and its okay. What's not okay is for your dh to keep giving her special treatment and making allowances because sadly her mother died. This is no different from so many situations, ugly situations on here, where guilty daddies spoil their children witless because poor kids are precious victims of divorce and daddy spends his entire live trying to make up and compensate for it.
Nothing he does will bring back her mother, nothing can ever change or make up for this child's loss. But if her father keeps this up, he sure as grass is green will further add to the major loss this child has suffered. He will emotionally cripple her, he will prevent her from developing into a normal, independent, young woman who can go on to live a normal life. She will be one of those horrid daddies girls, a woman child forever and that is do unfair to her.
I don't think the child needs therapy. But your husband needs done guidance on how to handle this. I don't think the child is having trouble dealing with her mothers death. But her father certainly is. He doesn't know how best to deal with it, to help her through it, and instead of just following his daughters clues, he is projecting his feelings of his daughters loss back onto his daughter. What he feels is not what she feels and he just needs to take his queue from her. He's doing the guilty daddy thing and that is not in the best interests of his daughter.
She needs to be treated as normally as possible. If she talks about mum, then you guys talk about it with her, let her call the shots, because she instinctively knows what she needs. If she's acting happy. She is and dad needs to realise she is. Stop trying to compensate for her loss he cannot. The best he can give her now is a happy normal home life. Dad is the one who needs some guidance here on how to deal with this before he makes an awful undo able mess.
When we have biological children the first time we see them we fall in love with them. We may love nieces, nephews and steps, but we are not in love with them as we are our own biological children, that's just how it is. That is natures way. He will be in love with his child and love yours, you will be in love with yours and love his. How you feel is 100% normal. You never fell in love with her, but that does not mean you do not or cannot love her. I'm sure you do, but she is not part of you, your flesh and blood. Your feelings are perfectly normal. So don't feel as if there is something wrong with you there isn't.
As our children grow we are supposed to encourage them to become independent, happy, healthy, emotionally stable young people. We have to gently encourage the cutting of the apron strings, the dependency on a parent/parents. That falling in love feeling has to change and grow to, we have to love them so much that we allow them to grow, that we let go. If dad is not careful he is going to miss normal developmental stages in the father daughter relationship, and not only will that be detrimental to his daughter, but to your entire family as well. Hopefully dad will get some understanding on death and dying and start to understand how he thinks she feels, does not mean, that is how she feels. Fix dad and she will be fine.
By the way, your 1 year old may not wake up and want to get into your bed, but at three he just might. They all go through these stages. I guess as they get older they have more things going through their minds, more fears etc., and they can get worse before they get better. She has had a loss, she has felt abandonment, a feeling she does not understand. Yes, she may need extra cuddling for a while till she feels reassured and that scary where's my mummy feeling subsides, but dad needs to know the difference between cuddling and coddling. He's supposed to be helping her to thrive and move on. Not adding to her loss and destroying her normal development. Dad needs to allow you to parent to. I guess dad has also had a shock and a loss. He would have been hit hard by the death of his ex it would have been a shock, even if she was ill and the death expected, the moment of passing is always a shock. Especially if the person dying was young. I'm surmising this lady would have been given the child is only 3. Doesn't matter if he hated her. He would've felt something.