The night that changed it all
Alrighty..
I have 2 step sons - one I can not stand (SK12) and the other (SK14) is finally coming around and is actually starting to "get it" - meaning I am not the evil villain out to ruin his life.
We had a breakthrough moment a couple weeks ago.. it was huge and for the most part, life altering for everyone.
We went up to see DH's family, spent about 3 days there. Had an absolute blast. Our last day there we all went to see a movie - I took my daughter and one of the younger cousins to go see Despicable Me 2 and DH took the older bunch (about 4 kids - 2 sk's and 2 cousins) to go see another movie. After the movie DH, the 2 sk's, my daughter and I all climbed into our car and the cousins went home with their mom.
But, SK12 was having a fit - he wanted to go spend the night with his cousins! We told him no, their mom had to work that night (midnight shift, she's a nurse) and their father didn't want to be alone with their 4 kids (2 of them are 6 and 2) and SK12 - it was too much (honestly, it is for him as he is kinda mentally off). Plus we had to leave to go home the next day, etc.
SK12 began to literally come unglued like I have never seen a kid come unglued before (at least not a 12 year old - maybe a 2 year old).. He began crying LOUDLY in the car "wahhh, aaaahhh, waaaahhh ah ah aha" - it sounded like he just found out his dog died type bawling - but toally FAKE "get me attention" bawling!
DH told him to knock it off, quit over reacting, you just spent 3 days playing with your cousins non stop, be grateful, etc. SK12 started YELLING and arguing with us and trying to get his way..
More crying, yelling, arguing.. even louder than before. He then began to grab on to the handle above the window and act like he's pulling on it, while clawing at the air and making this growling noise - totally freaking out my daughter.
I said "stop it now" - you are acting like a spoiled 5 year old who didn't get his way and is throwing a temper tantrum. I tried to nicely explain to him why he couldn't spend the night and that next time we will be sure to make time for it.. still he kept on with the tantrum and began to yell at me.
DH stepped in and said "do not disrespect her like that" and he growled and screamed at DH and then punched the back of the seat.
I had enough! I told him "you are lucky we are in a car or I would smack you right across your face!" SK12 tells me "you can't do that, I'll call the cops" - I correct him and tell him I have every right to smack an insubordinate child. He then tells me "if you smack me, my mom will beat your ass".. ok, I saw red. I replied "I am not afraid of your mom's 102lb butt and it's her fault you act like this" (yea, probably inappropriate, but oh well).. he then threatens me again and says "oh yea, well I can say things about you right now that will embarrass you in front of your daughter"..
At this point I am about to kill this kid.. DH steps in and tells him to "shut his mouth and never talk to your step mom like that. She does more for you than your own mother and you will respect her."
SK 12 then screams "shut the fuck up".. at his dad.
We are driving down back country roads at night.. DH isn't paying as much attention to the roads as he should now due to SK12.. I see a deer, grab DH's arm and scream "slow down - DEER!!" DH slams on the brakes and hits the deer going about 20-25 mph.. THANK GOD we were driving a full sized SUV as it bounced off the front and hobbled off..
SK12 begins shrieking "OH MY GOD YOU KILLED IT" and now is wailing worse than before and coming more unglued!
SK14 and my daughter are frozen in horror.
Luckily we are less than 2 minutes from DH's parents house and when we arrive DH jumps out and grabs SK12 and drags him inside. I am alone and outside with the other 2 kids who are now crying and in shock. I calm them down with hugs and kind words, look at the front of the car and tell them "good news - no blood, the deer must be ok"..
SK14 asks me if I'm ok. It surprised me.. He apologizes for his brother and says he is pissed at him and is going to beat his ass (LOL) for being like that to me.
Since then SK14 and I have been cool.
We talked to SK12 the next day, with DH's mom and SK14 there.. the kid showed no remorse or concern for his actions. He only apologized because he was told to and I did not accept it. I told him "no thanks" - it's insincere and you see no wrong with your words and actions that ruined everyone's night as well as could have gotten us all seriously injured.
It is not my responsibility to mend this and the person that did the damage has no interest in making it right. You can't force him to take responsibility or feel remorse - it has to come from the heart.
He was grounded from electronics for a few days - I didn't agree this was enough of a punishment, but I'm not the only one who dictates consequences.
He could care less. Since then, I can't look at him. I feel nothing but animosity towards him and want nothing to do with him. I think I hate him and I feel horrible about that.
We have both skids full time and I don't want to live like this. I'm on edge and even before this happened I had a hard time tolerating SK12, but this has made everything he does that is annoying amplified and impossible to deal with.
Help!
We should have pulled over
We should have pulled over and dealt with it. DH just didn't want to make a scene and honestly with as nutso as this kid was acting.. for all we know he would run out in traffic and got himself killed.. He has jumped out of a car at a stoplight before when DH got on his ass for being greedy and not sharing his sour patch kids - the kid ran across a parking lot and into the back of a store! This was 3 years ago!
I think he has mental issues.. really. Something isn't right with him.
Yes, I agree, for me it would
Yes, I agree, for me it would have been a stop the car and deal immediately moment.
But that moment is gone.
BUT - your SO did stand up for you, good starting point.
SS14 Also stood by you, great!
As for ss12, I feel the same about sd13 - I cannot stand to be around her pretty much all the time now. I just ignore. I will be pleasant when I am required to deal with her, but no effort will be made by me to interact above and beyond that. IF she is rude or disrespectful and SO does nothing I tell her myself. Then go back to ignoring.
SO and I have just had a whole kid free week, mine AND his are gone. All will be back tomorrow. It has been heaven! And reminded us both that as a couple we are pretty great, just got to keep focussed on that. The skids will grow up and on with their lives eventually (and by the way - your SO is way more supportive than mine!)
Yea, he knows that now. He
Yea, he knows that now. He just wanted to get home and do it there.
Both Grandma and I told him he should have pulled over and knocked his ass out.
I'm telling you, this kid is a MONSTER.. if he doesn't get his way all hell breaks loose and he goes apeshit. Rules - he disregards them. Grandma told him on vacation he couldn't go back up to the hotel room alone - kid gets in her purse and takes the key and goes up anyways.. tells him no treat because he didn't eat lunch, he grabs a star crunch and sneaks is anyways.. takes his 10.00 because he argued and talked back, he goes in her purse and gets it back a couple hours later..
The thing is.. DH now knows all of this and we are clamping down hard on him. I think he has oppositional defiance disorder or something.. he is diagnosed with ADHD and takes meds but that only does so much to help. He has no regards for boundaries or rules. AT HOME. Now at school - straight A's and doesn't really get in trouble. But he has NO friends and is socially just not right. I don't get it. I think he chooses to act like this at home and wants us to blame ADHD... however I know ADHD doesn't make you an asshole.. so I'm not buying that excuse.
I refuse to give him so much as an inch and I will not go out of my way to do anything for him. Bare minimum after this last round of bullshit.
He does need something like
He does need something like boot camp. He's probably going to end up in juvie.
I agree. Question - As his
I agree.
Question - As his legal step parent, am I allowed to call his pediatrician and discuss this with him? See if there are tests he can give him or something?
I think some of this is just him being an ass, but I think there has got to be some type of mental issue..
....aside from all the sorts
....aside from all the sorts of f'ed upedness with ss, I think when everyone is calmed down, a little later in the week, it might be a good time to let them know that when they start driving, it's better to hit the deer than swerve to avoid it. If you accidently swerve off the road or into incoming traffic, you're likely going to get really injured or worse, if you hit it, you've dinged your car but at least you're most likely going to be intact.
We told the kids 2 things
We told the kids 2 things regarding this:
1. Thank heavens we weren't driving my car and had the monster SUV or we all would have been seriously hurt!
2. That it was either hit the deer or swerve and flip the SUV or worse, swerve and hit a tree - either way we all would have been hurt!
I wanted to say "and if SK12 wasn't being such an asshole, DH and I would have seen the deer sooner and been able to stop completely in this case since he was able to slow down to around 25mph when I yelled."
And maybe at a 3. You don't
And maybe at a 3. You don't yell or distract the driver when you are in a car!
But yeah, a lot of people don't know it's better to hit them--friend of mine made the mistake and flipped a van with 5 people in it trying to avoid a deer,
This sounds a lot like my
This sounds a lot like my SS13. He has been this way all of the time I have known him. Some of it is ADHD, impulse control and possibly on the autism spectrum. a lot of it is due to being babied and his parents giving him his way when he had a tantrum and then BM PASing the crap out of the boy to split DSO and I up.
He definitely needs tested for ADHD or other behavioral issues.
I feel relieved and at the
I feel relieved and at the same time sorry you are experiencing this crap as well.. Relieved that it isn't as crazy as it seems, but at the same time sorry that this is happening to another person.
I have never in my life seen a kid act like this..
He has been diagnosed with ADHD and takes a pill daily - on bad days he even gets a "homework pill" for the evenings, but honestly I think that is a bunch of bullcrap. On vacation, DH's mom refused to give him the homework pill when we went out to dinner at night and said "he needs to control himself or he won't participate in the fun things we do. And by golly, he kept it together for the most part.
I do think he needs tested for other issues, but DH does not - he thinks he needs counseling, which is good.. but it probably needs to be with a psychologist, not some regular counselor. That way they can diagnose any other issues?
I don't know.. just thinking out loud.
I do believe that some of it is just his personality combined with his BM not parenting him at all from birth to age 6.. And then DH going the Disney dad route for a year after his divorce..
BM does try to brain wash him into hating me and DH.. it doesn't work with regards to DH, but it has done some damage when it comes to me, so I have that issue as well.
I would have pulled over and
I would have pulled over and smacked the kid. DH was wrong for not handling it at the time....
I agree.. the only reason he
I agree.. the only reason he didn't is because that kid would have caused a public scene and ran out into the road and probably gotten himself killed - or gotten the cops called on us.. who knows?
If your DH doesn't get this
If your DH doesn't get this child under control now, when he's 16 it will be even worse. Bigger kid, hormone driven and lack of discipline are not good combinations. It's still not too late to take a firm stance with this boy, but it has to be DH doing it. It sounds like this boy has no respect for you and he will not listen to anything you say until DH makes him listen.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Trust me though, I know exactly how you feel. Mine is SD16. If my DH would have taken control sooner we wouldn't be where we are now.
Best of luck to you and keep us posted....
Again.. I agree 100% and
Again.. I agree 100% and have stated this to DH.
This kid has no respect for anyone in this family. I don't get it.
At school.. no issues, straight A's.
Home, another story. He disregards rules and boundaries with everyone, not just me. Yells, talks back, argues, throws fits, makes everyone miserable if he isn't getting what he wants.. It's total bullshit.
DH does see the need for discipline, but he isn't the most consistent with it. This kid needs consistency and discipline with no wiggle room to manipulate or gray areas for him to exploit.
After going thru something
After going thru something similar with my SS (whom is no longer with me due to divorce of his father) i found out that you have every right as legal step mother to call the police. All you have to say to them is "i have an unruly child that i cannot control" Not sure how the laws play out where you are but in tennessee the first call is to scare...they didnt take him or anything. i would call or visit your local police dept to find out. i only had to call once. the police officer was awesome about it! he scared the absolute crap out of the boy. He was 13 and we had already been down that roap with child protection because he called me a bitch one day and i popped him in the mouth with the back of my hand. The case worker told him that she would have done the same thing to her son in the same circumstance. There is so much going on in a boy head at that age as well. puberty sucks. they are trying to fit in and trying to figure out who they are. around that age is the crux of no longer little kid for real. my daughter is 11 and my SO has a hard time with her sometimes but THANK GOD she is not this unruly.
good luck