Hello out there. I actually have something hopeful to write this week and I want to share it with those of you who might be in my situation.....
Backstory: Dh and I have been MISREABLE for months, I was DONE last week! BM's behavior and DH's lack of action was putting me over the edge! His once Strong, protective nature has been replaced by a slug.
On Monday we met with court appointed Counselor, "Bob". Bob will make recommendations on the best interests of the children to the judge for a determination of custody. We filed our first motion in Febraury and things have not progressed legally and BM's manipulation of the children and Dh has gotten worse than ever.
Okay so here is what I would like to share with you:
Before our session where I made a list of all the emotional abuse I was concerned with. My Goal was to go in, give Bob some perspective and be out bc I didn't think there was hope for my relationship but I still wanted Bob to hear my side of the childrens situation....Bob first shared that we were dealing with a Borderline Personality Disorder Mother (bc he has spent sometime with her already) and gave me a book to read about living with such monsters....If you are interested, I would recommend reading it.
In the session I learned a few things and I learned much more after the session in my reading.
In my situation I was expecting DH to "handle" and "identify" the very little and big things BM would do to us......he couldn't, I learned that he has been conditioned by her, kind of like Stockholm syndrom with out the sympathy. He just felt she was some mystical force he couldn't understand or contend with and just handled it with passivity as BM has conditioned the SKIDs to do also. Dh couldn't even give the examples on my list bc he almost doesn't recall specifically what occurs, it all just blurrs together bc he is callous to it all. She is like a Storm or as the book references, the Evil Queen to Snow White.
So I read the book and I learned that these BPD-Mothers usually fit into one or more of 4 categories and mine was the "Witch Mother". I finally had a clear explaination of what has for so long been so hard to understand. BM makes it this way so methodically that I just got swept away in it. I was living in "Borderland" with her and all the players she includes at any given time. BUT I have the fortunate position of being removed enough to see through the storm with a little education and after learning how twisted this "Borderland" is, I am now able to see that I played into her plans.
I forced DH to talk to me, I first explained what I learned and that I am sorry for having the expectations that he should have "known" better and controlled her, no one can and he really didn't know any better. I also told him that fell short for him by not learning more, getting therapy sooner, not leading him through something that has damaged him so badly bc I am the only person in his life that could....I failed him and I.
He has the largest part to play now, we have identified the "Borderland" and we can now work together to stay very far away so we don't get sucked back in. I had to make sure he understood completely and agreed with my new found perspective. I didn't want to be the only one fighting a different fight, he did, like a lightbulb went on.
I feel like I have just grown emotionally....I feel like I am in control of myself and my life again instead of feeling like a Witch is always lurking with that apple to entice us again into "Borderland".
Also, I learned what the children are really seeing in BM's home and how each manipulation is affecting them through a child's eyes. I always felt these things, now I can understand them very clearly. I know what my Family needs from me and I am putting it into action.
Thanks for reading...