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Reading a book.... think I am gonna be sick!

Freedom2005's picture

Submitted by Freedom2005 on Sat, 08/22/2009 - 12:58am

Ok, I know there are guys here, but please read my posts and several others about our "princesses" and you will understand.

I have downloaded an audio book that my BF had read. It is called "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" and the more I listen, the more I want to be physically ill. I was listening this morning when I got so upset that I am not sure I will be able to listen to more of it!

This book is spewing how special a father is to his daughter. It is trying to show fathers how important they are to their daughter.

Ok, I can live with that... until....

"father's and daughter's physical relationship is important for self esteem"

HuH? What PHYSICAL relationship? Now, bear in mind, I am seeing here what I see with my BF and SD10. She is stuck to his side the whole time they are around each other... she cannot leave his side. Just this morning, she got up early before he went to work. She was right next to him the whole time he was getting ready (he was already dressed). He went into the bathroom and closed the door. Her response, "is Daddy taking a shower?!" Uh, I dunno..... am I in there with him? I am not the one 2 inches from him all the time. If he gets more than 5 feet from her, and she knows he is in the house or close by... "where is my Daddy!!??" with tears in her eyes. I know better... I do NOT give her sympathy. He is in the Ef***ng bathroom! (I don't say that to her)

Ok... so anyway, back to the book... will leave the other for another blog...

Then I hear things like how Moms are over emotional, that Mother's won't be remembered and that Dads will. There were stories that it told about how the mother would get upset with something the daughter had done and the doting father would just hug her and say, "are you ok?" There have been more references to the "mothers" just not any good ones!!

So I am thinking, BF had read this book cover to cover. No WONDER he is so over attentive!

It just keeps going on about how she will always love you, even more than her husband or anyone in her life. I guess you could say, fearless love. It will never go away. It is 'safe'

BF wanted me to read it so I would understand his relationship with his daughter. Well, I do understand more. :jawdrop:

I love my BF, I love his kids. I don't want his daughter to rule my home... I don't want her to be exactly what he does NOT want her to be.

Sometimes I can just forget about it. He is attentive to me and he makes a lot of effort to talk to me separately from any kids. But when I see them together, I get angry. It is not jealously, it is something though.

I have to admit, sometimes I am so positive about it... then others, like now, I wonder if it will get worse when she gets older.

Or even he will figure he does not need me, since he has her. Sad

Comments

Freedom2005's picture

Submitted by Freedom2005 on Sat, 08/22/2009 - 4:31pm

I have talked to counselor about it and she agrees with me. Even SS12 has talked to her about how Daddy and Sister have this "special" relationship.

We finally got it through that she should not sleep with Daddy EVERY night. He still thinks she should once in a while. I said NO. Only if there is something wrong.

I agree, there are times I am of the mind "they are just affectionate" but she needs to be independent from him as well. Even the counselor says so! He treats her like a spouse. My thought has been sometimes, "well, enjoy the night with your girlfriend, I am outta here"

I can see your point, and things are better since I have been trying to ignore these things. Like I said, he has been very attentive, he has wanted me to spend more time with him. It does seem if I just "let it go" things are better between us, but that does not change the fact of what she may become.

Jealous or not, I am the adult here, meaning I have more control and responsibility. She needs guidance on how she should act with people. I am getting so tired of the tears and then getting her way. I did it for years, it does not work as well as an adult!

I want her to be a strong woman, I am over the jealousy. This book just really struck a cord in saying that mothers don't mean anything, and a mother alone cannot give the same even if they had to divorce for GOOD reason!

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Sat, 08/22/2009 - 7:58am

This book sounds borderline incestuous! Maybe in trying to encourage dads to get involved they go a little overboard?

Maybe you can counter with a real PARENTING book for HIM to read - I do not know one offhand, but I am sure there are some we can recommend. Anybody?
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

Freedom2005's picture

Submitted by Freedom2005 on Sat, 08/22/2009 - 4:32pm

In a nutshell! LOL

I am always long winded. Yes, the book does seem to go to the extreme. That is my fear about it.

thanks Most!!!

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

jojo71's picture

Submitted by jojo71 on Sat, 08/22/2009 - 8:10am

Seriously...I'm wondering if FH WROTE that book...or already read it and behaves the way your DH does for that same reason. The thing is, I believe that a physical relationship with a daughter/father and a daughter/mother IS important, but there are boundaries there...does the book not address that??? What's to say some perverted dude isn't going to read that book and take it as justifying his sick OVERLY physical acts toward his daughter? In fact, I wonder if the author wasn't doing just that when he wrote it.

SD8 sounds ***EXACTLY*** like your SD10...the clinginess and attachment. Where is SD10's mother? I don't remember from your previous blogs? SD8 is clingy (I think) because she is afraid of losing another parent. Could that be why yours acts this way?

You and I have many of the same issues Freedom and I would say exactly what Most Evil said...just counter that with other ideas for him to show him another side of the issue. I am reading a book right now called "The 7 Worst Things a Good Parent Can Do" and let me tell you, a lot of it is pretty much opposite from that. It DOES say to establish boundaries.

Good luck sweetie...no wonder you're in this predicament.

Freedom2005's picture

Submitted by Freedom2005 on Sat, 08/22/2009 - 5:01pm

I completely agree with you... here is the kicker... BF read it first, then suggested to me to read it. I noticed that after he read it, it was after we started dating, is when this all started.

The physical relationship stuff is kind of vague in the beginning of the book. I just don't think I can keep reading it since it is so derogatory toward mothers. It is just so sticky sweet.

Where is Mom... in court ordered drug rehab currently. I have not posted about her, because for me she is no issue. She is for the kids though. Yes, SD10 is afraid of losing a parent, but that does not mean she should not learn how to be independent as well. I will post a blog about her Mom. It is really a sad story.

I want to get that book, "The 7 worst things..." I would like BF to read it, he is an avid reader. However, since we moved into a house, he does not take time for reading anymore, just cuddling with SD10 and watching TV. BF and I use to play online games together, that does not happen either. Now, understand, I do not blame her! It is because of the house having so much work to be done (I work on it too)

Thank you Jojo... it does seem like you are my Step-Twin Smile

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm