I can see what you are getting at - we go for the same type of emotional attachment with our husbands as we had with our fathers. Probably broadly true. My father adored me when I was his little girl (and only daughter, plus the youngest child) - lost interest when I hit puberty and became distant, but still not too bad a relationship, on the whole. My relationship with my mother, was virtually non existent. She ignored me and I hated her.

My DH and I are very close when the SDs are not around - then when they are I am somewhat ignored. But he doesn't allow them to disrespect me, generally. There have been notable exceptions and he is a bit lily livered about laying down the law to them.

Your mother sounds a lot like mine, Outtahere. I wouldn't call her vicious, but definitely narcissistic and extremely selfish. After my father died in 1999, I asked her about 6 months later if she missed him, and she said "only when she was doing the crossword" ie to ask him clues. This was not a joke on her part, deadly serious - sad.

I felt nothing but sheer relief when she died in 2010 aged 92, she had dementia for the last 5 years or so, but if anything that made her a bit less horrible.

Now I'm stuck trying to figure out what kind of Dad I had.

Dad- well, he's funny, he's always been my favorite, he puts up with a lot, but has a short temper you never see coming when he does snap. He is also never clear about how he feels, never puts his foot down, and often does not stand up for what is right. He will lie or cheat to look good.

And now I think you are correct. I married a version of my Dad.

My DH is an ok guy. Not excellent, nothing outstanding here. He's not a dirt bag but he's also not of the best integrity and sort of lives by the "it's OK if you don't get caught" rule. (I'm a "right is right and you always do right even when no one is looking" type- at least I try very hard to be) He's sort of fun. He has no discernible personality or interests of his own, and tends to absorb the personality of those around him. He doesn't stand up for what is right, pretty much ever. He never takes the hard road, even when it is the right road. He likes to play smoke and mirror games and is rarely honest with others (let alone himself) about how he feels or why he does things. He just always wants to come out looking the good guy, even if that means stepping on someone else's back. Even mine sometimes!

So yeah, I married my Dad. Fuck.

This is a great thread, I love reading everyone's comparisons as they out it all together. Anyone out there fell they did it right and NOT marry a version of Dad?

wow this got me to thinking...

my xh seemed morelike my dad way back when we were in our early 20s but turned out to be the opposite.

my dh is more like my dad, in fact I say that a lot to him! He cannot parent worth a darn. my mom always was the main disciplning parent while my dad was the spoil us rotten one. dh loves people and will do anything to help anyone and my dad was like that. I love that quality! dh is very charming and talkative and could talk the shoes off your feet so to speak and my dad was like that too. my dad would buy coffee for the pan handlers on the street corner, dh is always handing them $5 bills. both dad and dh have huge lovely hearts, but can't be organized well or spank a child, they just come home with chocolates and BBQ for the kids on the block. dh is a football coach and loves to give young people a good start in life and help them land on their feet, but his own kids struggle. dad did more for others then his own family alot too.

Weird how that works, how we chose our "dad" as a mate.

This is an interesting thread.

My father was a Marine Corp DI, he was a fair man, instilled morals and great life perspective. I love my father, both my parents. My parents were the greatest examples of unconditional love for me. Both parents were teachers, so they were involved with so many kids other than their own. Patience, integrity, moral,fairness and unconditional love are my words to describe them.

When I got married the first time, I thought I had married someone like my Dad. My ExH was just a guy who was a Marine, never had integrity, never was faithful, didn't know what unconditional love was, sadly, he was from a family where love was bartered.

DH now is more like my father, although he has his flaws and we've had issues (mostly BM induced), he is calm, patient, has morals and integrity. He too came from a family that bartered love, but loves unconditionally.

I think I learned a lot the first time around and was single for a long time before I met DH. I knew what I was not looking for and found a man that shares a lot of the traits my father has.

I'm a little opposite. I married someone like my mother and became like my father, pretty much.

My entire childhood, I was close to my father although he wasn't around as much as my mother. He worked so my mom could stay home and take care of me and the house. I quickly became an annoyance to my mother and I believe she was jealous of the closeness between me and my dad.

She had some anger issues and would scream at my dad (and me) a lot. My dad would pretty much ignore her. He did, however, treat her like a queen. Which she totally did not appreciate.

Surprisingly, they are still married, although my mom is on meds now and isn't so quick to fly off the handle.

My husband was a rager and I was the passive one. He got on meds and things are better now.

Misstep we may be related. Lol my mom is bipolar so it was always hard to get close to her. To this day I call before I even Attempt to drive 5 miles to visit. Good days I go. Bad days I stay away. Too much drama on the bad days. She has always been meaner to my dad. I never understood why he let her and just ignored it most of these years. I am closer to my dad because of her issues. He was just always the one I could talk to. But I have learned to pattern all the good from my mom too. I didn't marry anything close to my dads personality. My dads too passive. My dh is very outspoken ( except caves where youngest ss is concerned) but has a very outgoing personality and the good thing is he brings out the funny side of my dad when they are together. I love that since most never get to see that side of my dad since he's pretty reserved Good thread.... Very interesting reading all the comments

Me too!