Frustrated...need help!
I am a 33 y/o wife, mother and step mother. My husband is 45 years old.
Together we have a 5 y/o daughter. My husband is very passive, but is a great husband and father to our daughter. He works hard and is very loving. I have stayed for these reasons. He has never given me a reason to NOT want to be with him.
His kids on the other hand have given me numerous reasons to want to run screaming for the hills.
During my husband’s previous marriage he had a son (now 22) and a daughter (now 25) that he adopted. She was the biological daughter to his ex. He was only married to the BM for a few years. I have been with my husband for 10 years and came into his life long after his divorce.
He had every other weekend custody of son, but the daughter was a troubled youth and spent most of her time on the streets, with friends, or at her grandmothers when she wasn’t in jail or rehab. They both refused to follow any rules in our home or do any chores (sweep the floor, clean their rooms). Instead they destroyed anything they could after eating all our food.
SD is a mother to a 7 y/o son who we never see. We see her 2-3x a year face to face, but constant drama is always happening via facebook, phone calls or texts. Drugs (heroin, pot, alcohol) are the rulers of her life. She refuses to work more than part time and has contemplated going on the welfare system full time so she can stay home more.
SS (22) is a new father to a 1 month old and refuses to put in the effort to find a job. He couch surfs since the girl that had the new baby with him is only 19 and still lives at home. Her parents let him stay a year. When his urine test for a job application came back dirty they kicked him out. He moved back to the area he is from (over an hour from her) and is back to couch surfing and playing video games. He also has no job, no car, no drivers license, no money, and no goals.
SS has severed ties w/ me since I spoke my mind and got on his case about working. I also asked if he would speak with someone for his “issues”. He is a violent person. He is the kind that you assume will snap and hurt people. He made threats against my daughter when she was first born. (If he was able to hold her, his desire was to shake her to death - this info came to me from a friend of his!) I have never let him be near her unsupervised. My husband never confronted him on this.
We have never had a close relationship with the kids in any capacity. Their BM has created such a hate in them toward us. We try though! We make an attempt, but they just try to create more drama.
My concern/question is how to I distance myself from it all? I feel such an inner anger/disgust for their behavior. I am ashamed of them! I don’t want people associating their behavior with us. We work very hard to be good people and to gain some financial stability. I also don’t want my daughter (5) to be around them and their extremely bad behavior. It eats me up to the point that I debate leaving. I also work in a law office handling family matters so the combination of stressors is tough to deal with. Any advice?
They're adults. Neither of
They're adults. Neither of you has to have anything to do with them at all.
They are not living in your
They are not living in your house and you rarely see them. I would just disengage and let your DH deal with them.
Does your DH blame himself
Does your DH blame himself for the way they turned out?
Is it guilt that keeps him entwined with these disfunctional adults? Because adults is what they are and you have every right to insist on no contact until, if ever, they clean up their act. My view is that many people are at extreme disadvantages in life whilst growing up, but they don't use it as a forever excuse to mess up.
You have to protect your daughter at all costs. Please don't panda to your DH's wasted guilt. Tell him exactly how this is affecting you and that you will no longer swim in this infected sea. They HAVE to help themselves. Your DH's support will only enable them longer. This is where it ends before you, your daughter, your DH and your marriage is dragged down with them.
Its sad, but that's the way it is.
Remove ALL contact with them.
Remove ALL contact with them. Block all phone, text, twitter, FB - hell change your name and move if you have to.
These are truly low life slugs. Let your DH have what ever minimal contact he wants to have but keep it away from you.
They do not live with me,
They do not live with me, thankfully. That would make life much worse. I have spoken w/ my DH about it, and he agrees w/ me severing ties. As hard as it is to do it is impossible to get through to them. I have tried not to turn him against them, and have encouraged for years but I can't any longer. My stress level depends on a change.
Disengage from them,
Disengage from them, immediately, it will save your sanity. It's hard but you can do it.
Thanks for your comments.
Thanks for your comments. They really help!! <3
I have 3 adult step-children
I have 3 adult step-children who also have very young children, yet I am not recognized as their grandmother and am referred to always by my first name. I have been married to their father for almost 18 years. It has never been an easy transition because his ex put far to much on the kids as teenagers even though we had lots of visitation. The children always treated me with indifference though they never minded taking money, gifts or anything else that was handed to them. The ex has also made a point of staying close to my mother-in-law which has made it tough because she wears rose coloured glasses where she thinks we all should all live in a happy, perfect world. At a very close family members funeral the ex showed up and went on to act like the perfect hostess in front of all of the family members. This has become an ongoing issue as at one of the son's weddings recently my husband and I were placed in the second row at the church while the ex, her husband and family from her side and my mother-in-law sat in front. At the reception the ex also made sure that she sat with me, my husband, and my in-laws when her own family were at other tables. I am at the end of my rope with this because as much as we do for the grandchildren we are never thanked for any gifts or included at any birthday parties, or any functions that involve them whatsoever (unless the MIL) puts them on. Sometimes the ex shows up at these too. I feel it is time to just cut off ties with them and to quit letting them keep stressing me out. If anyone has been through a similar situation can you please tell me how you handled it? Thanks for letting me air this.