I feel your pain. I to was put in the same place!! Watching SD everyday except tuesday! and we have JC so I was getting screwed and we to pay CS!! We have SD atleast 50% but with after school it was also 2:45 to 10 pm On BM's days!!

Needless to say I said "Hell NO, Not even if you pay me! Not anymore." BM lost her job. SD screwed up royally! & SD hates me now

All balance is right again!! NOT!

that happened! Did you tell him to find a sitter?

Your sorry but no one consulted you about this and it will interfere with your tennis lessons or Jerry Springer or the new part time job you just got. Sorry...

Seriously, I would just say no. Tell DH to figure it out for himself. Or you expect to get paid. You can use that to offset the child support you are paying. I would go ahead and call BM and say, you are very sorry but you have plans after school and are unavaible. Also, you really wish DH would have consulted you first so BM wouldn't have been inconvenienced. DH is way out of line here.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

If you plan things without me, then you plan things WITHOUT me.

"When I said I was not happy with this plan, he said,"Well then YOU can call BM and tell her you don't want SS around cuz I'm not doing it!""

Are you F'ing KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!!!???

Uh, No. Freaking. Way.

Laura, I would NOT worry about getting out of this "without looking like the evillest person ever." When your DH gets home, I would tell him in no uncertain terms essentially what 2Bloved said: If you plan things without consulting me, and they impact my life, do not expect me to participate. "You have planned for ME to take care of YOUR children, without MY consent or without even my KNOWLEDGE. I will NOT call your ex-wife and take care of a problem that YOU created. I am telling you right now, you had better call her and tell her it's not going to happen, precisely because the two of you did not discuss this with me before making this plan, which makes me this child's PRIMARY CAREGIVER. I warn you that if you do not call her and tell her the deal is off, you will have a surprise in store on the first day of school, when SS comes here and there is no one home to care for him."

Then I would give him the book Stepmonster, with the relevant pages/chapters marked, and tell him that if he wants his marriage to succeed, he had better rethink the way he is doing things.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Yeah, make him call BM. Why should you be the bad guy??

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

First off, let me start by saying YES, YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU DO HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE UPSET at the way the situation was handled. Okay? I want you to understand that I agree with you on that.

Here's a few more thoughts I just wanted to add in..

Even though your husband is a bonehead and did a really stupid thing, do you think he did it because he didn't see it as a BM issue? Rather, he saw it as "his son's issue". Also, I noticed that you are going to school at home and taking care of your son. So I'm guessing that DH felt that "you would be home" and therefore "available".

I'm not saying that your husband is right.... but I am saying that those might be the thoughts that led to him making this commitment for you.

Also, if I am reading you correctly, again, it's not so much that this is happening, it's more that it is happening
(1) without your consent
and
(2) while you are playing BM child support, which should include day care

Am I reading you correctly? Your SS9 is a small part of it, but your larger issues are those 2 above.

What if - and just hear this out and try to see if it could be - What if by caring for your SS9 every day during those hours, you and he cultivate a better relationship together? What if by you being the person he sees every day as he gets home from school, eating dinner with you and then doing his homework, you do become the primary caregiver? There are so many women on this site who say that if they had full access to their step children, the children would be better adjusted and their family lives would improve. I know this is hard for you, but that is one possible outcome to your saying yes to this scenario.

Also, I fully agree and appreciate the fact that your home should not pay full CS to a home where the child basically just goes to bed.

Therefore, if it were ME, and I have had a similar situation here.... I would do the following...

1. Agree to raising the child with the ACKNOWLEDGEMENT on both parent's sides that you are free to discipline and bring this child up as you see fit. And if they even dare to question you, then they can find another babysitter. Then you can go about establishing your rules, your home and get SS to integrate into it.

2. Also put the stipulation on to your agreeing to same that CS will be reduced by $200 a month (or whatever the cost of his daycare would be). That PAYS YOU for your time and trouble. You are not a free babysitter and the money is coming back to your home. BM doesn't want to reduce the child support then she can pay for day care. I don't think that your DH should find an issue with that.

and finally...

3. Agree to give it a try for everyone's sake.... for SS mainly (so he is raised by FAMILY), for DH, and who gives a shit about BM... but if you agree to try... then also make the stipulation that if it is too hard for you, then SS will need to be put in daycare. That way you have an out. It's not a done deal, but you are trying. I also think that you could finagle SS going to daycare 1 day a week even or something to give you some time off.

The thing is, you have a 1 year old son. You may be surprised. I know that people get on me for being all butterflies and rainbows, but I truly believe you have a golden opportunity here with your stepson and also with your biological son. Perhaps 9 year old could help watch, play with 1 year old while you do homework, or make dinner? 9 year old gets responsibility and you are not in this alone.

I do think your DH needs a talking to. But I also think this could work in your favor. Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater because he's still a little dirty!! (Does that make sense??)

I think this is setting a very bad precident. Once they feel like they can do this to you, what will be next? You already said

"Maybe if I saw him everyday, I would get so comfortable with being around him that I could actually make an impact instead of feeling like I want to run and hide from him. That is literally what I want to do. Run and hide. He is the type of kid that will follow you around and not give you a chance to breathe. He will suck on you like a leech. I feel "mean" to say "you are getting on my nerves SS9, time to move on and do something else." But BIOLOGICAL parents say that to their kids all the time and the kids aren't traumatized."

If you got along with the little prince, I would feel differently but since there is already this tension, I am concerned about you. You have an adorable baby (we've all seen the picture) why don't you enjoy him and let SS's parents take responsibility for their child? Your baby will only be this age once, why take on all this extra stress and rob yourself of your joy with him.

Regardless of what happens, we'll still be here for you. I have to admit, your Pollyanna view is endearing

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

It can work.... It's JUST SUPER HARD. And that means I myself, and for Laura, if she chooses to take on this responsibility, have to put ourselves on the back seat. Look at my answer to Catlover.

I know for a fact that if I had posted all that had gone on in my first year of marriage, I would have had A LOT of people saying the whole "OH hell no"! and "Don't do that to yourself" and "why should your career be put on the back burner"???? "Let BM and DH get SD the help she needs!!" etc etc. But I didn't do it that way. I did everything that I wrote to Laura above and to Catlover. I'm not saying that makes me a better woman.

I'm saying that's how I chose to work on my marriage because I love my husband. And it is paying off for me ten times over.

b4 bf and i moved in together, he lived with his mom and had sd fulltime. his mom would ask me all the time if i could stay the night and get sd off to school in the morning. i always made excuses not to.

once we moved in together, i was told that since bf left for work at 6am, and i had to be at work at 9am, i was to take sd to his moms b4 school every morning. when i asked why me, they both said that it made sense cause of schedules. so that meant instead of me waking up at 8am, i had to wake up at 6:30 because sd was a little shit about getting upa nd getting dressed for school. i didnt have a backbone then. obviously.

so that pretty much lead to a whole bunch of bs and i will never again date a guy with a kid.

though even when it's for those rare moments when the skid calls just to talk to ME instead of DH... or when they want to lock DH out of the bedroom so we can all lay in bed and watch a chick flick... or when they introduce you to their friends as... "this is Wicked my step-mom..." and the friends say "oh SD told me you were soooo cool"

I have enough of those special moments that makes all the hair pulling and frustrations worth it for me. I dearly love my SDs, even when I want to run away from them at the same time.

I would be LIVID if my DH consulted with the BM behind my back and put me in this 'just do what we want' position.

How dare they!!! It is your time and you life and the SS is not your primary responsibility. So what are your DH and the BM going to expect of you next without telling you. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A Step parent is in a no win role

Laura, Have you always been an indentured servant for your H and his X or is this something new? Its pathetic that your H is spineless like an earth worm that he cant tell his X no. If you do this eventually you will be paying CS and he will staying over several nights a week. I can assure you if you start this its not going to have a happy ending and you are going to be stuck with the plan that was put upon you. Vickie and Abigail are absolutely correct and it will be the worse mistake you can make. Remember if you don't start it you don't have to end it and all the bad feelings that are going to go with it. Since your H is impotent while dealing with Bm you will have to be the one to say NO. If another person informed you that you were going to do something ridiculous you would say no and this is no different. The reason that she wants you to do is because she will save all that money that your H gives her for CS and not have to pay one penny for care.
Laura, I have survived 4 steps and I know what i am talking about.

I actually like Stick's idea. In theory. For a FUTURE discussion of a situation like this. But I still think that first, you need to make your DH call this deal off.

AFTER it is called off, then at some future time, if you are REALLY okay with taking care of the kid as long as you have a part in creating the deal in the first place, then I would say go for it. And let me say, too, that I do think Stick's idea that this would help you create a better relationship with SS is true -- IF you are open to it.

But for right now, make your DH call the deal off. Make BM find day care for the kid for, say, the first part of the school year, until Christmas break. And then, on your OWN terms, you can tell your DH that you are now willing to discuss taking care of SS after school. (Again, IF you are okay with it and would not resent it.)

Here's my reasoning. Your main problem with this is that you were not consulted and it was thrust upon you as a done deal. AND when you told your H that it was wrong of him to do this, he didn't get it. SO. Now, if you give in, you are teaching them that they can do things like this to you whenever they want, because you will eventually give in. You are REINFORCING the behavior you want to put a stop to. They will not stop doing this until it doesn't work for them anymore. That's basic behavioral training.

As Vickmeister said, " it would take a complete attitude change by DH, to make any additional interaction with the skid impactful." Therefore, you are setting yourself up for failure if you take this kid right now, with BM's and DH's attitudes that you should be a free babysitter with very little decision-making power. This will not change with more contact with the SS. It's far more likely that you'll resent it even more, because you'll have the same lack of authority, for longer hours. Your needs/wants will still come after those of DH, BM and SS. And you'll have a lot more time to think about it while you're watching SS day in and day out.

Until they stop deciding things as a couple and leaving you out, you will be put in situations like this time and time again. And if you agree to this now, you are reinforcing that it works for them to do this. You are reinforcing being left out of the process and reinforcing that whatever you SAY, your ACTIONS prove that you are willing to serve as the babysitter whenever it's convenient for BM.

So, to repeat: stop this now. Break the behavior, retrain them. Then, once they have learned to include you -- because it's in THEIR best interest to do so, which is the only way they will learn it successfully -- you can revisit the child care issue in a discussion where you are at the center.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

BM asked for help. On her weeks, she wanted to drop them off in the morning so I could get them to school. I agreed the first time. The second time, I said no. But DH went ahead and agreed to it, so I really had no choice. I was LIVID!! He had never seen me so angry before. I was so mad I didn't want to come home. But two weeks into it, she screwed up big time, and I stopped it. She asked again for this year, I told him no. I'm not going to be resonsible for her children on her custodial weeks. I love them, but I refuse!! So, he told her no. On our weeks, I'm more than happy to get the kids where they need to be, but I refuse to be her go-to girl.

______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

point. I figure that I have either stated it and the blogger can take it or leave it... OR, if I am going against most popular opinion, I figure that I could be wrong. So I am trying to not go back too much.

But this particular blog and the responses to it, really bother me.

What really really gets to me on this one is the fact, that YES HUBBY DID SCREW UP. But because of that, it's like nothing else matters. Who cares what he thought, or felt, or wanted? Right? Because it's all about stepmom not getting "stepped" on. It's all about her reclaiming her power and making sure that everyone in the relationship KNOWS SHE IS NOT TO BE IGNORED!!!!

The real concern for me here is NOT so much whether Laura fights that battle with her husband. To be honest with you, I think that by enforcing a FEE for day care, she gets the point across just as much to BM as if she outright says NO. She also makes that point without giving BM any "ammunition". I also feel that Laura probably knows better than any of us, if her husband would take her accepting this as the next rung in the ladder to being a doormat OR, If he would be appreciative and maybe the next time around give her what she's asking for because he sees her trying to help him when she didn't have to (as happened with me.) But okay whatever, we all have differing opinions.

The real concern for me here IS THAT THIS IS A CHILD WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. A child that could come to his father's own home every day after school... have time with stepmom, and possibly even DAD before BM picks him up. (Laura - would father be home for dinner?) And no one seems to care about that. Because accepting that means that stepmom has to swallow something that we don't like and that is giving an inch with the fear it will become a mile.

I get it. I get that we need to enforce our rights. But I also really really believe that we need to take a look at the bigger picture on this and in other circumstances. Maybe it didn't work for some of you. It did work that way for me. Laura - whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you.