Hello all,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted an update to the saga around here so I am long overdue for those who care/have been following the story. (I really appreciate you!)

We left off at the ultimatum from me and emotional pounding on FDH from our couple’s counselor. I told him that he had to choose between BM and me and stop the emotional entanglement with her. The counselor told him he was acting as if he was still married to her. So he responded by emailing BM and telling her that he wasn't going in her house anymore and she needed to stop calling/texting early mornings and late nights unless it was an emergency. I think the last thing I told you was that she responded a few days later with a Contempt of Court document listing a couple crazy things and one sorta legit item.

Here’s an overview of what has happened since then:
- BM sent an email to him a few days later (one week after his big email to her laying out the new boundaries). She was livid and basically accused him of choosing his relationship over his kids, played the martyr, stating that the only reason she let him in her house was for HIS / the kids benefit so they could have a closer relationship. No mention that she was really mad (IMO) that she no longer has him at her beck and call and she has to be an actual single woman and not get help with computers, printing, moving, you name it….

- BM told him she would no longer switch weekends with him when he needs to work those few weekends. She told him that if he didn't show up at 6:30 to get them (time in not in CO- says “after work” ) that he should forget it. She said that she was not going to stop calling/texting after normal hours. I told him to leave all this alone and deal with it in court.

- He did not respond to this as I advised him that she was trying to engage him in an emotional conversation—trying to pull him back in.

- OSD declared that she was no longer coming for visitation since her brother was allowed to do the same when he was her age and also cited that “Anne’s rules” were too hard and that she felt like she was being treated like a piece of property. He told her that we loved her and wanted her here and did not get into an argument with her.

- All four kids (three of which I am friends with on Facebook) somehow didn't notice it was my birthday despite the 90+ Happy Birthday postings on my wall which surely hit their news feeds.

- At my birthday dinner, I told him I was very hurt by this. I explained that I give them very nice gifts at all holidays, spend tons on them for their birthdays and was about to spend $75 towards YSD’s birthday, just sat for THREE hours at MSD’s school play and bought her flowers, yet no one could even send me a text or a FB message?

- He responded by texting them. At 9PM , two of four texted me wishes.

- At the next visit, MSD wished me Happy Birthday in person (after I overheard FDH ask if they had). YSD outright ignored it/me.

- We had YSD for her birthday a couple days later. She started in on him early in the morning asking for BM to come over for the dinner/cake. He told her no and did a rather good job of explaining the best he could.

- She didn't like his answer so she ran to Mommy (texted her) and FDH received an email from BM that basically said “I’d like to see YSD, today, on her birthday. What time should I come by?” (Two weeks after the boundary email and 1.5 weeks after slapping him with contempt of court, she thinks she can come over, sit on my furniture and be fed a meal! The balls!!)

- He responded by saying that she couldn't come over but was welcome to pick her up for lunch or something for a couple hours. And you guessed it…. She never showed. She just responded with a “wow”.

- OSD called FDH to chastise both of us saying that we were being immature and we should do what YSD wants for her birthday. It was a very bad conversation.

- The birthday dinner went off fine. No visible hitches even though we were expecting a meltdown.

- The next morning, I took YSD and MSD to the store to buy birthday girl some supplies to go with her gift (my idea to keep her busy and off the computer and to show I am not a bad guy)

- She was thankful but FDH didn't enforce computer limitations that day (guilt got him, I’ m sure) so she spent the whole day on the computer and not enjoying her new gift and supplies.

- We had a meltdown after dinner when I got upset that she basically dumped half a salad on top of the stuff in the kitchen sink instead of scraping her plate after dinner as she’s been repeatedly asked. FDH coddled her and made me into the bad guy again. (This was discussed in recent counseling).

- BM emailed the Tuesday following our visitation weekend to tell FDH that he was a POS and that MSD had been crying in her room for two hours saying that she feels like he “Loves Anne more than her” because of this new rule thing (he won’t come in her house anymore). It went on and on but was basically an attempt to make him feel horrible and let him know that one-by-one the kids will not want to be with him.

- He did not respond other than to ask (obviously I was involved) to take them out to dinner that night so that he could talk to them. She agreed.

- He showed up 15 minutes late—some of this was his fault, some of it wasn't. Too long to write now.

- BM was PISSED and told him she was already cooking and that they could no longer go to dinner.

-He had a conversation with OSD on the porch and it went pretty much like the two other conversations they’d had. She just doesn't understand. He tried to reassure her that the boundary was HIS idea when she actually asked “Is Anne jealous of Mom or something?”

- MSD and YSD wouldn’t come to the door and BM refused to call them to the door.

- FDH came home a stress pot and I gave him a full-body massage. He appreciated it. (reinforcement is key here)

So, where we sit now is that there is some serious PAS going on, as some of you totally predicted. I’ve pointed out to him that BM is totally being inappropriate with her handling of this. He is starting to see what she’s made of. He’s resigned himself to the fact that he won’t have all the kids here all the time in the foreseeable future. He and I are both sad about that. This is not what we wanted but here it is. We just spent a glorious long weekend together alone (her kid weekend but she tried to make him responsible for doing something for MSD Friday night because she had plans to go out. He didn't take the bait. A year ago, he would've done it—“for the kids”. )

It’s been hard and rocky and sad. But in the end, I think the kids love him a lot and will hopefully adapt and understand that nothing really has changed. We will still attend events in public together. We will still love them. He is still the same loving dad that he’s always been. The ONLY real boundary that impacts them is that the parents are no longer hanging out in each other’s homes. It’s really that simple. I just hope they can see that. Oh and before you go there, I’ve already had the conversation alone together and in counseling that basically said “I am fearful that she will alienate the kids from you and you will be sad and you will turn around and blame me for this instead of blaming your lack of needed boundaries that should have been established many years ago.”.

I am certain that there is tons of crazy town in our future. But at least, for now, FDH knows that I support him and I know that he loves me enough to put himself through hell to make sure I stay. So, I guess you could call this a new start. It won’t be easy but with BM not running our lives anymore, life will get better overall. He’s actually starting to realize that he can be a good father without her approval on his parenting skills. He’s starting to finally see that she isn't the authority on what makes a good parent (simply pleasing your kids and ex wife). In fact, he recently posted one of those FB things on his wall (WAY out of character). It said, “If someone tells you ‘you've changed’, that means that you are no longer living life their way”. And he brought it up in counseling to point out that he is now feeling free from the reigns of BM.

Wish me luck—we all know this is going to be a long road to BM recovery for him.

Fire away!

Love,
Anne