Background (I'm sorry I wrote a novel): SS20 lives 1000’s of miles away, we haven’t seen him in 3 years and have had little communication with him in that time. The only time we hear from him is if he wants money or if he calls to chew out DH for something. He lives with his mother and sisters. They just moved into their own apartment 3 months ago; before that they all lived with their grandparents.
Sooo, DH tells SS20 about this job that is available in our town. We have made other similar suggestions before and never got a response. This time SS20 seems interested and calls about the job. Within a few hours I am getting angry texts from the BM saying SS20 is moving here, we need to get him a plane ticket, and about all these “promises” that were made to him. (he is living with his dad, we are helping him get a car and an apartment when the time comes). She is mad because she depends on his share of rent.
I ask DH what “promises” have been made and he said none. He said he only told him about the job. So there is all this talk going on (DH to SS20, SS20 to BM, and BM to me) but what I’m hearing from BM and what I’m hearing from DH doesn’t match up . I got pissed and frustrated because I felt like if any promises were being made I should be involved in it. If SS20 had any assumptions of these promises, I believe DH needed get it out on the table and discussed so everyone was on the same page (what does help get a car and apartment mean? That we are buying it…half of it?? )… is that too much to ask?
I told DH that I didn’t want to support SS20 (since everyone in his family is not self-supporting, I kinda find that reason to worry), plus there is the fact that there has been no relationship for many years… why now? I don’t mind helping him, but I didn’t feel comfortable with how it was going down and I felt like things were being decided regardless of me.
Within two days I was hearing that SS20 was quitting his job (before he even had the other job, and before any of this had been talked about) . I put the brakes on the whole deal and said things needed to slow down….that thought needed to be put into this, and a plan needed to be made that included communication with all people involved. Its on hold now, until he comes here and checks things out, who knows if it will even happen now. I feel kind of bad now. I think the kid kinda feels trapped in the situation he is in with his mom. But I also don’t want to be trapped because of miscommunication!
I then found out that he had intended on living with us (free) and sending rent money back to the BM… Umm I don’t think so! His living here free would have been under the assumption he was saving all his money for a car and apartment so he can MOVE OUT!
Did I do the right thing? Should I have done something differently? Or am I just being selfish because I want to be included in the discussions?
Here's an idea that I just loved. Ask SS to pay YOU rent starting at an agreed upon time. Then when he has also saved his money to move out, you give him back the money so that he is off to a good start.
This teaches him the entire time that he is living with you that HE needs to work but then he gets a nice reward from you at the end of it all.
You definitely need to have lots of clear boundaries on the front end.
I messed up and let my brother who is 19 move into my back house. THe only understanding was that he help with the kids and do some yard work. Needless to say, I had to ask him to leave about 4 months into it.
My SS27 came to visit us for a few days. He went back home and posted all over FB that he was moving to our city to be a famous chef. He now works at McD's and calls himself a chef - he's not even what I would call a cook.
Our city has some nice restaurants. In his delusional mind he was going to come live with us and work at one of the famous restaurants.
No way - the only reason I even let him come for a visit was that DH's brother brought him along. He's drunk who smoke weed all the time. Why do you need both?
Comments
Background (I'm sorry I wrote
Background (I'm sorry I wrote a novel): SS20 lives 1000’s of miles away, we haven’t seen him in 3 years and have had little communication with him in that time. The only time we hear from him is if he wants money or if he calls to chew out DH for something. He lives with his mother and sisters. They just moved into their own apartment 3 months ago; before that they all lived with their grandparents.
Sooo, DH tells SS20 about this job that is available in our town. We have made other similar suggestions before and never got a response. This time SS20 seems interested and calls about the job. Within a few hours I am getting angry texts from the BM saying SS20 is moving here, we need to get him a plane ticket, and about all these “promises” that were made to him. (he is living with his dad, we are helping him get a car and an apartment when the time comes). She is mad because she depends on his share of rent.
I ask DH what “promises” have been made and he said none. He said he only told him about the job. So there is all this talk going on (DH to SS20, SS20 to BM, and BM to me) but what I’m hearing from BM and what I’m hearing from DH doesn’t match up . I got pissed and frustrated because I felt like if any promises were being made I should be involved in it. If SS20 had any assumptions of these promises, I believe DH needed get it out on the table and discussed so everyone was on the same page (what does help get a car and apartment mean? That we are buying it…half of it?? )… is that too much to ask?
I told DH that I didn’t want to support SS20 (since everyone in his family is not self-supporting, I kinda find that reason to worry), plus there is the fact that there has been no relationship for many years… why now? I don’t mind helping him, but I didn’t feel comfortable with how it was going down and I felt like things were being decided regardless of me.
Within two days I was hearing that SS20 was quitting his job (before he even had the other job, and before any of this had been talked about) . I put the brakes on the whole deal and said things needed to slow down….that thought needed to be put into this, and a plan needed to be made that included communication with all people involved. Its on hold now, until he comes here and checks things out, who knows if it will even happen now. I feel kind of bad now. I think the kid kinda feels trapped in the situation he is in with his mom. But I also don’t want to be trapped because of miscommunication!
I then found out that he had intended on living with us (free) and sending rent money back to the BM… Umm I don’t think so! His living here free would have been under the assumption he was saving all his money for a car and apartment so he can MOVE OUT!
Did I do the right thing? Should I have done something differently? Or am I just being selfish because I want to be included in the discussions?
I think you did the right
I think you did the right thing.
Here's an idea that I just loved. Ask SS to pay YOU rent starting at an agreed upon time. Then when he has also saved his money to move out, you give him back the money so that he is off to a good start.
This teaches him the entire time that he is living with you that HE needs to work but then he gets a nice reward from you at the end of it all.
You definitely need to have lots of clear boundaries on the front end.
I messed up and let my brother who is 19 move into my back house. THe only understanding was that he help with the kids and do some yard work. Needless to say, I had to ask him to leave about 4 months into it.
That is a good idea, and I
That is a good idea, and I had thought of that too... or do use the "rent" money for his car that he needs.
Just don't tell him that
Just don't tell him that those are your intentions. Otherwise it becomes more of an entitlement than an actual reward and life lesson.
My SS27 came to visit us for
My SS27 came to visit us for a few days. He went back home and posted all over FB that he was moving to our city to be a famous chef. He now works at McD's and calls himself a chef - he's not even what I would call a cook.
Our city has some nice restaurants. In his delusional mind he was going to come live with us and work at one of the famous restaurants.
No way - the only reason I even let him come for a visit was that DH's brother brought him along. He's drunk who smoke weed all the time. Why do you need both?