New Stepmom - How do I do this right?
My fiancee's youngest son is eight. The BM disappeared before his birth and fiancee was unsuccessful in his attempts to find his son.
We were just contacted and informed that his son is in foster care in another state. While few details have been provided to us, it appears BM got in trouble with the law, may have addiction issues and may not be complying with what she needs to do to regain custody. BM doesn't want fiance to have any contact with son as she has expressed concern that he might try to take son away from her (petition for custody). We definately want contact. We want what is best for his son. We want to find out what he wants. We would feel so blessed to receive custody and can provide a very stable and healthy home for him.
The process seems so torturously slow. It looks like we'll be allowed to come visit in September, when fiance will also make an appearance in court for the custody case.
We'd be so grateful for any advice you can provide on how we can make this as pleasant and stress-free as possible for his son. We're told BM has been telling SS all sorts of horrible things about his dad. However, when he was finally shown the intro letter and pictures we sent for him almost a month ago, he was really excited. Apparently he is a wise and introspective boy who understands that his mom has some real issues. Even so, I imagine it would be stressful to be finally meeting your dad after so many years, especially when you've gone through so much with your mom.
I was thinking it might be nice to give him a digital picture frame or photo album when we visit that is full of pictures of all the family members he's never met - along with short notes that would tell him more about each family member. Any other ideas about what we can bring with us or give him that would help in the adjustment? Advice on how to make the first meeting a positive one for him? Ideas of what we can do during this long waiting period that would help him to feel like he's getting to know his father better?
Thanks so much!
regslady
Is letter writing allowed?
Or was the initial letter the only one that he is allowed right now? If you can write (or find out if he has access to email..), I would have DH send him "themed" letters....my most embarrassing moment, my greatest success, my first job, etc. Things that his son can read and begin to build a history with his father. Then maybe he could ask his son to send a letter back and provide him with a topic...what was your first day of school like? What is your favorite video game? Tell me about your favorite movie, etc. Basically get to know you letters that will help him feel comfortable and help both of them not feel like they are meeting a stranger. I wish you both the best of luck with this.
Awesome reply
totally agree with this....... Also being a friend first and allowing you step son to know Dad is scared too ie what if he doesn't like me etc..... NO bad mouthing BM as up till now that has been his reality whether good or bad. Be straight up and let him know the rules and boundries. Always be consistent.... always follow through with promises or punishments .... Good luck
Wow - Thank you
As soon as I read your reply, I got my FH's attention and read it to him. We both love your idea! From what we've been told, BM has been told (by the judge) to back off and stop keeping son from a relationship with his dad. The social worker even made her pick out the pictures to send to us. Soo...we will have to approach it and see what is allowed, but we're definately going to try to make that letter exchange happen.
TY, TY, TY