New stepfather. don't know what to do.
Here's my story (I'm new here), I met this wonderful woman at a church camp, and just absolutely fell in love with her. She is so perfect for me, it's crazy. We are alike in the right areas, but perfectly opposite in the right areas too. She had two kids already, two year old twins. I was ok with it because I had been raised in a daycare my whole life, and therefore had been around kids of all ages. As time went on, she became more comfortable with allowing me into her girls' lives. Their father, her ex, was a violent, abusive, child using SOB. By, as far as I'm concerned, by the grace of God, he got into a car accident and burned up. Afterwards, she became very reserved and protective of herself and her girls. So letting me in was a big step for her. And I actually wanted to become part of their lives. Me and her moved forward in our relationship and grew closer together. The more time we spent together as a family, the more I grew to love the girls. I got to the point that it made me sad that I wasn't their actual father. Fastforward a bit, and a situation happened with her family, and they really got into her head for a couple weeks, and it caused her to tell me "you're not their father" (she really regrets it) But this caused the feeling of fatherhood in me to die. I thought that I could ignore it once we got home and everything was back to normal. We're married now, living in a small apartment. It's abundantly clear that I can't ignore it now. Every day they make life hard. They make it hard for me and her to have the relationship we used to. I hate it. The only time we have for each other is after they fall asleep, which is a huge battle, or in the mornings, IF we happen to wake up before them. I could go on and on about how they make life incredibly hard. I know it's not a good thing, but every day I just wish it was me and her. When it is just us, life is fantastic. There's no screaming kids, there's no stress. Just happiness. But when they're around, it's almost nothing but stress. I am starting to hate this life, and I don't know what to do.
They're never going away, and
They're never going away, and that's life daily for intact marriages, widows and the like. Kids are work there a whole other job in themselves. This is life with kids I never got alone time with my ex when the kids were little except after bed oru if I got a babysitter heck even with my older kids they're home a lot it there isnt a ton of alone time with SO either, and none at all when we have all four kids except when we go to bed it's called raising kids. Make time for each other when you can SO and I do date night at least once a month usually my dd babysits if we have his kids.
Your DWs brain fart not
Your DWs brain fart not withstanding, you are your daughter's father. Even though you are not biologically contributory you are their REAL dad and you would be the only REAL dad they have even if their worthless mollesting POS BioDad was alive.
I understand about half of what you are going through. I became dad to my SS-20 when he was 1yo. My wife and I never had time as a couple without a kid until our son joined the USAF two years ago.
I have had the feelings that you have. Raising children is stressful. Raising children that are not your biokids within a blended family is extremely stressful. Double it with twins and you are experiencing far more stess than I have ever had in my role as dad.
Stressful though it may be, I have never thought, felt or said that I am not my son's REAL dad though I am not his BioDad. Though the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan certianly never let my son forget that I was not his biological father.
Do not let a bad day for your wife cost you your family, your daughters their father and for damned sure do not let your wife's toxic moron family pollute your family with their idiot crap.
Hold those little girls, look them in the eye and tell them and yourself that you are not their father. Betcha can't do it. You know why? Because you are their father.
My SS will soon be 21. He regularly tells me that I am his dad. That he loves me and that I am the only true father he has ever had. His SpermIdiot and SpermClan provide nothing but the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. I have been there since he was 1yo. Just like you have been for your girls since they were 2. My wife and I will celebrate our 19th anniversary this Summer a week before our son turns 21. I would not trade one minute of even the challenging elements of being her husband and her son's father. For sure I would not give up the amazing life and family that the three of us have become because of a brain fart moment on her part. I have had a few of my own over the years. And for sure I would not let anything the SpermClan or my ILs said jeopardize our lives together.
Hang in there ..... dad.
Sincerely,
Good advice above. I also
Good advice above. I also think this is very salvageable.
Insist you and your wife have at least a couple of sit downs with your pastor or a marriage counsellor. You HAVE to have some place of importance in this marriage that does not involve the kids.
What happened when your wife said you weren't the girls father? Was it related to a discipline issue? This is a very important point and you haven't said what it is. Please explain so we can better understand and offer relevant help.
I am very blessed in the fact
I am very blessed in the fact that on a personal level, the girls treat me very well. They call me dad, they tell me they love me, and they want to spend time with me. I know this all would be completely unbearable if they treated me worse.
Don't get me wrong, I want us all to be happy and a good, strong family. It's just so difficult to do when they're gone and there's no screaming in the house, no messes being made, no fits being thrown, me and her are the perfect couple. They were gone for about a week once with some family that live across the state. Not ONCE did me and her have a problem. From waking up to falling asleep, it was great. Then as soon as they get back, life just gets all screwed up. Fits. Screaming (for something as small as not getting another cookie), Pooping their pants so we have to clean it (They're freakin 3 now), getting woken up at 6am every single day. We simply stop being happy. Because life is just honestly easier without them. And I don't want to see it that way. I don't.
Exactly, there shouldn't be
Exactly, there shouldn't be any screaming. But there are things wrong with these girls. I don't mean that in a rude way, I mean that in a emotional development aspect. From what she says, their bio dad (spermidiot is the correct term around here?) babbied them. giving them whatever they want. and she's had trouble breaking them of that. what's more, is that they've witnessed him abusing her many, many times. So something as small as telling them they can't have a cookie because we're having dinner in 10 minutes will set them off. like throwing toys, hitting the wall, screaming for 30 minutes. we have no idea why they do this. If they don't get their way at all, they cry. It's stressing, and tiring.
don't misunderstanding my
don't misunderstanding my wife. she wants me to be their father. and except for that small moment disfigured by her family, she's been great.
to answer an earlier question, yes, that comment she made was over discipline. But let me give some background. we were engaged already, and were acclimating the family together. she had already agreed to start taking my opinion on discipline. And it was working. they were behaving better and she actually liked where it was going. Her family on the other hand, didn't like it. Her sister in law would literally pull her aside into a different room telling her how I shouldn't have any say, I'm not their father, I have no right to give my opinion. this went on for almost a week. So, that's what caused it.
What makes it all worse is
What makes it all worse is she is pregnant with my son. My first child. This presents it's own step-child bonding problems. Anyways, she is having trouble with the pregnancy, pre-term contractions. They are mostly brought on by heat, but also by stress, and she's pretty much on bedrest. So I'm taking care of everything, all the while these girls are just making my life hard. It's to the point that they were at a babysitter for most of the day, and she does fine. She's actually up and around the house. Spending time with me, laughing and everything. But then the girls come home. Because of them and the stress they cause, she has to go lay in the bed while I take care of everything alone. They caused her to have some very painful contractions because of how they were misbehaving. I even have to keep the door to our bedroom closed because of them. So essentially, contact with my wife, and the happiness, ends when they get home. I hate it. I just want them to be gone. I know they're not going anywhere, but because of the stress I'm under and the exhaustion, I don't see me being able to bond with them any time soon. I don't know if it makes me a horrible step-dad or what, but I just wish they were gone so we could have a good life together. My wife wouldn't be in pain. My baby wouldn't be in danger. I could actually have a relationship with my wife.
You need to watch some
You need to watch some episodes of the Nanny. That show offers some great tips on how to handle kids.