I have been waiting for years for my SD17 to stand up to her mom too. Unfortunately I was a little hellion at that age, I did talk back some, so it is hard for me to understand how someone so 'tough and cool' can be so afraid to stand up for themselves?

The only thing I can think of is real fear - I knew my mom would never hurt me. Maybe restrict me but not go insane like untreated bipolar BM (if my diagnosis is correct ;))!

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

I read this post yesterday but did not post due to I was turned off by the title of the post i.e. "pussy-whipped". When I hear that term I think of a man or in some cases a woman being whipped(not literally) by the sexual partner in their life. But that is neither here nor there I guess so I am going to give my thoughts on this.

I have a SS who cannot/will not stand up to his mom. Now granted my SS is only 8 almost 9. I do get extremely aggravated about this to the point I picture in my mind telling him all the crap about his mom just so I can get some relief. H and I just bear it him backing down to her.

Now the situation itself of a child having to stand up to their mom about their dad in the first place is a sign of maybe a not so healthy relationship btw the kid and the mom. Two examples: My SS and his mom have a psycho relationship. It is love hate. BM has told him you love dad more etc. BM make SS very well aware of her feelings about his dad and SS has never seen BM so pissed as when it is about his dad so what would you do... I would silently stand by mom when with her to keep the piece he does not want her on his tail. Again he is only 8 and not 17 which leads me to example 2: Myself and my own mother. I saw my dad every other weekend when I was little till about 7 years old. I remember my mom, dad, me and my older sister in front yard at my mom's house and my mom and dad fighting and my dad left angry and I never saw him again till I was a senior in highschool. As a child I adored my dad and could not wait to see him... I was his twin. I thought of him often growing up and though my mother never degrated him to my face I knew how she felt about him. So when he visited me when I was a Senior I tried to form a relationship with him. And do you know I did it all behind my mother's back for fear of how she would treat me if she knew. I was 18 years old but I still lived with her. I will never forget when she found out...she gave me the silent treatment for a good month and would leave me notes in the morning of all the things I had to do when I got home from school and work. All the while I still tried when I could to see my dad and I know he knew what was going on with her. Then it came time for me to go to college and $$ came into play. So my mom being as smart ass as she could said go ask your Daddy for the money. So I did and he was able to give me some but I was going to have to borrow the rest. I tell her of this and she slaps me across the face and tells me I will not have anything else to do with him. Now mind you dad paid child support the whole time never being late or missing a payment as well as 1/2 of all med bills. It was not until about 6 years later when my mom's dad died did she come to my crying on Father's Day morning saying that I should go see my dad as he is the only one I will ever have. I felt sorry at the loss of her dad my granddaddy whom I loved dearly but other than that I felt nothing for her crying.

The point is it took me a while but I finally stood up to my mother and have such a GREAT relationship with my dad. Yes he chose to stop contact when I was young and while I say nothing should ever keep a parent from their child I know my mother and how she was and I can see how it happened.

Your SD may be honest with your H when he calls but if mom is who she is with mostly sometimes it is better to keep peace there than make life hell. Because like with my SS he is more afraid of his mom not loving him than he is of hurting us because he knows we love him no matter what. Same with me, my mom, and my dad. I knew my dad loved me and I quite frankly did not want the crap from my mom so I kept her happy as that is where I laid my head.

SD lives with BM. So, she can stand up to BM and visit with you guys BUT the HELL that she faces when she returns may not be worth it to her. She may like her school and her friends and upsetting the applecart can lead to all sorts of disastrous things for her. Worst case scenario, moving in with you guys. She may love her dad, but her mom may just be unbearable but things are probably comfortable. She is a kid. I know in our minds we say a teenager, but the reality is that at this age her personality has already been formed. I guarantee that SD does not stand up to many people. AND she will be like that well into her adult years unfortunately. Standing up to you and DH probably PLEASES BM and therefore without even realizing that she does it, SD does.

My skids are prime examples of this. They live with DH and I. On the one hand you have SD who will do anything that BM wants because she wants to PLEASE BM. It does not matter that SD HATES whatever it is. She will tell DH and I one thing and we will try to talk with her to help her feel confident about decisions and try to show her respectful ways to disagree with BM BUT when it gets down to it...she caves almost EVERY TIME. THen on the other hand we have SS who is full of defiance. He adores DH and I, BUT he's a momma's boy. He even said to me recently that he goes against me because BM told him that she would disown him if he agreed with me. :shocked: Can you imagine that as a kid? He will even come back and apologize for his behavior but he is BMs puppet for fear of this. How do you then teach your kid that is not right without creating further drama? We try to talk to and show them, but when they are with her it is a different story. One that I'm afraid is gonna screw up their future relationships. In saying all of this I can only think of imagine if they lived with her F/T? YIKES I just shudder to think about it.

So, give her a break. The spell does wear off. It is just difficult to let go of routine and apparently BM and SD are now in a routine. BM denying SD access to DH and you and SD fearing standing up to her.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P