Heart Broken
DH & I have had primary custody of SS8 for 18 months. Nothing legal, but SS8 was having severe behavioral problems at home with BM, with siblings and at school. BM is a push-over, no boundaries, no discipline. DH always had to step in. SS8 wanted to come live with DH, & I was so appreciate that BM let us take him.
Lots of time and effort and love and reading about parenting a child with behavioral/emotional issues= well balanced behaved child. We made sure to move into his school district, and rearrange schedules for full-time parenting. I spent a lot of emotional and physical time connecting with SS8. I became the Queen of bed-time stories and prayers and deep theological/life discussions.
2 weeks ago SS8 tells dad he wants to go back and live with BM cause "our house creeps him out." He has been living here for months! We live in a half-house so maybe its the neighbors noises or sometimes arguements? I worry about this and can't understand. While he never says this, I like to think he just wants to be with his siblings now that he can enjoy them again. This answer makes me feel better. Once BM found out he was wisked away without us really having any say.
DH feels he failed as dad somehow. I've tried to look at the bright sides, and been angry, but when it comes down to it I'm devastated.
I miss him so much! He was mine, too, and I feel like I've lost him in a custody battle I never got to fight. I can't stand co-parenting with 4 when DH gets way less than 50% say and I certainly get less than 20%. I feel like there is an empty hole in our house.
It makes me angrier that BM remarried and he is a total prick. I just keep telling myself its good that SS8 is with his brother and sister cause I can't stand that he would choose that house over ours. I have no rights and this grief feels totally disenfranchised by society. I can't reach out or post on facebook. I'm just glad to find an place like this to share.
Can anyone relate?
- Sparemom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm sorry, this situation is
I'm sorry, this situation is terrible. I would be heartbroken if SD moved to BM's apartment. Guess that's the upside to having a BM who didn't fight for custody. Maybe you could do something just the two of you when it's your time to have him?...just a suggestion.
I can relate. SD, almost 15,
I can relate. SD, almost 15, lived with DH and me for almost 2 years, until last August, when she ran back to psycho BM. She couldn't take the rejection from her mother any more. I get that, but it still hurts. Now she speaks to DH once a week on the phone. He's trying to deal with it, but it is a slow process. Biomom trumps thr rest of us, hands down.
<> It is heartwrenching to
<> It is heartwrenching to give so much of yourself to a stepchild and have so little control over their life. In fact the grief and sense of loss is aggravated by the fact that there is nothing you can do to resolve it. It's like having someone break up with you, but instead of being able to move on and put it behind you, you have to continue to live with it every day.
This is why so many stepparents end up hurt, frustrated and not a little bitter. So yes, I understand how you feel, the only advice I can give you is to try and be accepting of the stepmother role that you have, and be a welcoming and caring figure for SS, rather than a parent. You could both still get a lot out of your relationship if you approach it in that way. If you keep yearning to be his mother it will result in heartbreak for you, and will ultimately be of no benefit to SS, who loves his mother regardless of how good a parent she may be.