need a new perspective
i'm not just new to this board but new to this life all together. ive never dated anyone with kids, and now i am deeply in love and so happy with the man of my dreams, at almost 40. we have lived together for 6 months now, my d is 19 and his 2 are younger. we have his every other weekend. BM is a nightmare. he handles her right, does all the right things. keeps conversations to a minimum, and only about kids. she has always called him alot but nothing else much more until she left her husband. she has tried to sneak on my fb, tries to get to him thru his kids, has tried to get him to meet her. he always shuts it down and makes it clear to me and everyone that he wants nothing with her, and loves me. the problem is it drives me crazy that there is another woman forever in our lives who wants my SO or at least wants to cause problems. he tells me almost everytime she contacts him, but i still find myself wanting to bring it up to see if she did and he forgot to mention it. i do not want to be this person, i dont understand why i cant just get it out of my head. i trust him, but not her. so i guess maybe im afraid that she could try something that i may not know about and just the thought of that bothers me but i dont know why since i know without a doubt that he doesnt want her. i even gave him a chance to go put his family back together months ago when she first started pulling all this, he said no way. maybe its so unnerving because ive never had to deal with this, but it feels like there is another woman in our relationship. how can i gain a new perspective and shrug it all off and stop feeling like i have to be on guard constantly?? its exhausting
its also hard to get used to
its also hard to get used to the fact that sometimes i feel completely unappreciated by the kiddos. i totally get it, they have had people in and out of their lives so much, they have no real reason to think im sticking around. ive been with them for a little over a year now, and i just got my first spontaneous hug from the 8 yr old about a month ago. i work with kids for a living, i know they are not all going to love me back lol but its still hard to get used to in my own home...and they come here to see him not me. slowly we are developing relationships, and just when i think we are getting somewhere, we will be in a setting where its me, him, and BM, and they dont speak to me or look at me. i get it but its such a weird and sometimes difficult position to be in. and i know SO appreciates me, but he doesnt say it much so sometimes it just feels like im just here to cook lol.
Some people find disengaging
Some people find disengaging helpful. I TOTALLY have. I have a SD and I found for my sanity and my relationship I needed to distance myself as much as I can. It has helped me not take things personally and allows me to remain sane, so that when SD treats me like an outsider, it doesn't bother me.
^^^THIS^^^ The only person
^^^THIS^^^
The only person who can change your perspective is YOU. Try thinking of her as the pathetic, needy, cling-on that she is being. Pity her.
If you completely trust your husband, there is no reason to let BM set up shop in your head, rent-free.
thanks thanks thanks! all of
thanks thanks thanks! all of this is just what i needed to hear and i will def keep my crazy here bc i dont want him to think i dont trust him. and i dont want to make him feel like i think he isnt capable of handling his own crap. im not his mom, he doesnt have to report to me, even though he tells me everything and i appreciate that, she prob thinks that when she does sneaky things that he wont say anything but we dont keep secrets. but you are right, i need to get it out of my head, the last thing i want to do is make her a part of our happy times here by thinking or talking about it. thanks so much