HELP--Thinking of sending ss12 back to BM - need input
I'm new to this site and am really reaching out for unbiased input. Please forgive my rambling and the length but I could really use your input
My dh and I are at out wits end. We've been together 5 yrs and married 3+. Have one son 14 months and my 3ss -6,7,12. BM had kids til last summer when we got custody b/c she does not address their needs. Kids don't sleep in proper beds or eat healthy food or go to dr when necessary, middle kid has learning disability that she denies, and the list goes on forever. BM and dh divorced when youngest was about 8months because dh had been deployed by Army and bm didn't like it and she was being unfaithful, etc. Oldest ss12 played "father" role in her home to 2 younger from the time he was about 5 and he is very manipulative and bossy toward adults. He does not really ask for things - he demands them and at her house he normally gets his way because he does not relent and gets very hateful and intimidating if he doesn't. I say all this because he is even worse at our house and everyday is WWIII here. He picks fights with everyone, including us, several times a day; he steals from us; he refuses to follow our rules; he is destructive of our things; he torments his younger bros who are scared of him; he sneaks food (is already overweight) and hides the trash in his room; he goes through our bedroom (found our things in his room last week); he undermines our authority with his bio brothers as well as with his 1/2 brother and argues with us over how to raise the baby. The list goes on and on. We've had him in therapy for over a year which has gotten us nowhere and he didn't turn the dr notes in to school like he was supposed to so now we have attendance issues at school we have to address.....It has gotten so bad that we are planning on sending him back to his mom's to minimize his impact on the other kids and also to prevent a divorce because I refuse to raise the baby in such a conflictive, negative environment. We just don't know what else to do. We love him and would do anything to try to help him but he has flat refused to live by our rules. He has been in my life since he was 7 so it's not like this is a new thing for him but it's gotten so much worse....He gets SO angry and you can see the hate in his eyes which is kink of scary since he's the biggest person in the house at 5'7" 208lbs. I am really concerned that he is going to intentionally hurt someone if he stays with us.
DH and I feel like we've tried everything and relationship with other kids is great- I am "other mom" to them - I would lay down my life for any of the kids and do love all of them but cannot continue to live in this hell either. Please help!!!
Send him to Military camp, Boot camp you gotta do something!
Sounds as if he is a bully and bullying everyone in your house! What does DH say or do about HIS son??
"And this too shall pass..."
DH is at his wits end... he
DH is at his wits end... he has tried taking away privileges, grounding, manual labor, talking, taking things out of child's room and making him earn them back, suspending allowance... the kid acts like he doesn't care but is then like a pine cone up your you know what until he has gotten it back. DH has tried talking to BM and she just shrugs her shoulders at the situation. We can't afford military school and BM won't even pay her part of medical let alone something like that. DH is scared that he will lose me and the baby and knows that ss12 is bad news for other 2 kids. He is finally looking at what is best for the majority. Believe it or not DH is retired military and current police officer - does not work with this kid.
"Lord keep me sane"
Can you try another
Can you try another counselor or possibly some anti-depressant medication? Obviously the counselor isn't working for him. I also was going to suggest a "scared straight" type of program because the poor kid is on a no-win dead end street. If he keeps it up at your house, he'll end up alienating his only true family, if he goes back to his mom's he could get onto drugs or the streets or worse. Also, since you do have a counselor involved, can they put him into a hospital setting for a while? I know it's drastic, but your situation sounds dire. No one would blame you for sending him back to BM, but I do have 2 questions... 1. Would you or your husband be able to handle the guilt that would come with that if he gets worse? 2. Would he benefit at all from that, or would he just look at it like he's being left alone and continue down the path. Are you hoping it would scare him into behaving? He definitely has some serious emotional problems. Oh!! And one more thing... take him to a doctor or pediatrician and see if they can do allergy tests. I swear to God... this happened to my cousin. She was already mildly retarded/ learning disabled and the doctors found out that MILK and milk products made her worse and even violent! Good luck to you...
Pediatrician sent him to a
Pediatrician sent him to a psychiatrist that put him on Prozac but he lies about taking it and if we try to supervise it he says he already took it. Tried keeping it under adult lock and key then he just flat refused to take it and he's too big for me to exactly hold him down and force it down his throat. Therapist is good but therapy only helps if you want help to begin with. As for your questions: 1. We've talked about it a lot and really feel he's going to get worse either way and 2. We've talked to him about it and continually reaffirm the fact that we do love him and want him here but only if he chooses to live by our rules to which he told us that he feels too much "stress" at our house due to rules, structure, etc. All we can do is continue to call him daily and have him every other weekend etc which will hopefully let him know that we have not abandoned or given up on him. I'll talk to the pediatrician about the allergy thing.
Thanks for the input...it is nice to have unbiased food for thought!
Onlygirl
Thanks! Let us know how you make out. I'm surprised that SS told you he feels too much "stress" at your house due to rules. It could be possible unfortunately that once he goes to live with BM and sees what it's like without rules, maybe he will come to his senses. Better to be cared about with rules, than not cared about. Or, he could be thinking the grass is greener, or remembering it differently than what the reality is. Also, does he really understand that every other weekend when he comes back to live with you he's still going to have rules? The kid definitely needs help. And I'm also wondering if the Prozac is not making him feel good - ie, sleepy or foggy or increasing suicidal and other disturbing thoughts, as sometimes antidepressants do. Which is why he may not want to take them. It may be time for another medication. Please take care and let us know how you do!
He definitely thinks the
He definitely thinks the grass is greener because even though bm can barely afford the every other weekend that she has the kids now she is always buying them video games etc which we refuse to do. We are definitely a more structured home and he resents that. She lets him do just about whatever he wants as long as it does not inconvenience her. He denied any side effects on the Prozac and we watched for changes and did not see any - it's like he just flat refuses to do anything to affect change because he says he doesn't need to change.
2 more days....
Tomorrow is kid's last day of school for the year. I know it's wrong of me to be too happy but I am... the kids go to their bm this weekend and ss12 is going to be staying there all summer (maybe permanent-not sure yet). I have been counting the minutes since I picked him up from school today as he long ago wore out my last nerve. I really hate the person that I have become since he has entered my life. I have never had anyone treat me like he does-not even my ex! My dh is relieved but also harboring great feelings of guilt over the whole thing. I am just ready for some peace before I blow my top and pack my things instead of his!