After many missteps, finally a little success! (disengaging)
I've been working on "disengaging" for years. I'm way better than I used to be and tend to let my DH do most of the work with the skids. But every so often I get off track, particularly if I see him getting stressed out or overwhelmed.... then it's super snowdrop to the rescue! Without being asked, I start to jump in to help him and do his job. He responds by doing less or appearing to be even MORE stressed out/ overwhelmed.
When I began on this "disengaging" journey, I yelled at DH that he need to ask for help when he was stressed out rather than letting things slide because I would inevitably start doing them for him rather than ignoring them.
Anyway, after jumping in and doing a few things for him without being asked, I stopped. DH has a meeting that conflicts with one of the kids therapy appointments this week. He was telling me about it, but didn't ask for my help. So I said nothing and left it to him to deal with. A couple days later, he asked me for help!!!
Big deal for him, but for me too! Part of the problem before was not just his behavior in allowing responsibilities to "fall onto my back" but also my responsibility for jumping in to do things for him that couldn't or didn't want to do....
Sorry, I know it's a boring thread, but I wanted to share 
I used to volunteer all the
I used to volunteer all the time too - no more though.
I walk away when I hear a
I walk away when I hear a thread of conversation going in the direction of me having to step in to do something for ss16 that dh cannot do. For instance Ss16 goes to church group twice each week, it's too far to walk, about 4 miles, though on a sunny afternoon after Sunday church he has walked it, so dh drives him all the time. Well once in awhile DH will accidently take his pain pills (for cancer) a bit early and forget ss16 has to have a ride. SS16 will come running downstairs to ask for a ride and I will just walk upstairs and disappear and not come down until dh has called ss16's brother ss19 to come and take him or ss has called friends. If I had stuck around dh would ask me and then in front of ss would say "at least he's going to church..." That always bugs me. Yes he's going to church but what dh doesn't want to see is that he's going b/c of a particular 20 yr old girl and also he's 16 and either should work out rides or have a schedule planned with dh or older brother. Anyways, it's just annoying. The only thing I do now for ss16 is cook meals and that's just b/c I cook for everyone. I don't drive him anywhere right now. But this week we're moving and it's further away from all his friends/church so I might have spoken too soon. I try really hard to not be caught in a situation where I have to drive ss16 anywhere. Dh never drives my boys, ever.
I thought that part of the
I thought that part of the "goal" of disengaging was getting your partner to recognize and appreciate the efforts you do put in to helping your steps out. So I think in your case snowdrop it seems like it is working!