My friends who are parents don't understand and they judge me!!!'
:O
Ok! I'm 30, married for a year and a half, and my husband has a 6 year old daughter. "The kid," isn't so bad, as far as kids go, but all the normal things and feelings that we step-parents feel like disrespect, 3rd wheel, jealousy, disgust, and most of all loneliness is unacceptable to my friends. Maybe I need new friends, but my girlfriend who are mothers are the WORST, they look at me and ask questions like, "isn't it great when they..." And all I can think is actually I find it annoying and unrewarding. When I tell them how I feel they look at me like.. How can you feel that way.
So it's bad enough I'm isolated in my home, with my own husband but my friends? Oh, and since I don't have my own kids my family immediately took to his daughter like the grand kid they don't have! So all my holidays, events, and conversations begin with, "how is she doing?" And I think, ya know I really don't know and I partially don't care, ask my husband! I have a real full life of my own, I run 11 successful companies!!!
So I ask you... How do you guys deal with this? I told one of my girlfriends that I was tired of being judged like a mother, by a mother because I am not a mother and since she isn't a step-parent she really can't judge until she is in my shoes. It pretty much shut her up, but then I felt like a freak.
I'm SO tired of all the crap I HAVE to do! And it's so easy to not deal when she is gone and hard when she comes over because it all comes bubbling out!
****i am hiding in my bedroom and she just got here... I just want them to go somewhere else on kid weekends!! Sent from iPhone, plz excuse and typos.
I think what you said was
I think what you said was acceptable and not having kids of your own I'm sure makes it feel weird how are you normally with kids? Do you want kids? Do you typically like kids? I try to see myself as more an aunt roll with SO's kids I have my own to raise he has his and we each have half ass parent ex's. If you usually like kids try to find something you both like to do, walks, paint, dance, card games. We now have a huge stack of games cause my kids and SO's kids figured out they could find games in between we could all play
I'm not sure about my own
I'm not sure about my own kids, I have never really thought kids should be something I would ever put on a "todo," list. I think if you love someone, and you feel like creating new life out of your love, then you should do that. Other people's kids, really depends on the kid. I don't mind the kid as a person, its the horrible feelings and stress that goes along with her that has me wishing I could deal with it better.
How I deal with SD makes me truly question if I have a shred of maternal instinct. SD feels like she is my daughter, she truly tries to get me to tell her that I love her, and I'm not a very verbally emotional person, so I know she needs more from me. It only makes me feel worse, and bad because I don't know if I can! I don't want to be this person, I don't want to put the SD in therapy!
The SD and I have a whole bunch of stuff we do together, and I too feel like the aunt, except I think my aunts were happier to see me.
I appreciate the feedback and comments!
YESSS!!!! "How could you
YESSS!!!! "How could you feel this way about a child!!" AH...
Loosening the gate, LOLOLOL!!!!!!! I know exactly what you are talking about!!
The last weekend I just couldn't take it anymore and I kicked my husband and his kid out of the house, (kicked meaning asked them to leave in a stern voice), 15 minutes before they needed to leave to take her home! I was just DONE, DONE! To make things worse, they moved into my home. My beautiful home, with mahogany floors, and ZERO fingerprints, so I get a bit territorial, when I see those dirty paws, touching the walls, driving cars on the floors, since I purchased this place, on my own, with my own hard work. I made sacrifices in my own life to set myself up for success and his dirty kid comes and treats it like it's a sandbox. So last weekend I had just hand enough of this Whining and Crying and I said, "I think it's time for you guys to go."
I truly appreciate you sharing your story... I'm a little frustrated at the moment! THANK YOU!!!! :O
Well, I will get ripped right
Well, I will get ripped right there with you formygirl. 3 years in here and feel the same. And contrary to some people's ill informed beliefs, I most certainly have very valid reasons for my feelings.
I totally know my family is
I totally know my family is trying/really doing the right thing. They are great, loving people and I appreciate their efforts. I'm really just venting, because I'm not dealing well with becoming a wife and step-mother. IT's JUST SO HARD. I know I'm the problem, it's just that I don't know ANY step-parents besides my own.
I appreciate your comments!!! THAnk you
I guess maybe I wasn't clear.
I guess maybe I wasn't clear.
What my family does truly does piss me off, but I believe they think they are being supportive. I don't like her near me at the holidays or any other time, but I think my family wants her and my husband to feel accepted.
I have not said anything to my family... Just haven't really been able to completely articulate to even myself exactly what I feel.
Oh, I have no doubt that your
Oh, I have no doubt that your family asking about her is their way of including her and I think their intentions are good. They just don't realize how it grates on your nerves! I get it, my family asks about my SD, also. It's just the polite thing to do.
Don't worrt about rushing
Don't worrt about rushing feelings you may never have for the kid, I have a teen(almost adult) and pre teen SO has little kids, I'm done with messy fingerprints on the wall crayon or marker anywhere but paper and done with bathing and dressing kids so they are learning to do or not do because their dad their parent is enforcing my rules as our rules. If your bf isn't if he isn't aware how you feel what your comfortable with and this "invasion" of your home ratger than any sort of blending, then you'll feel overwhelmed and ran over. Don't worry so much vent here get lots of advice or a talking to when you need. Life doesn't need rushed let alone step life.
You have found the right
You have found the right place to vent your frustrations. I found this site a little over a month ago and have been hooked ever since. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in this like I thought.
I totally agree! I remember
I totally agree! I remember dating this guy who's sister was married to a guy who had a kid from a previous relationship and they had a kid together. When I went to her house and there were pictures everywhere of the "family," without the step son, and I was TOTALLY HORRIBLE and JUDGMENTAL! I NOW have a better understanding and it has certainly taught me something.
I have gotten crap from my
I have gotten crap from my own sisters about how I have handled some things. Nobody can judge anybody else's situation, even other step parents.
We are all doing the best we can and although we care about our spouses (or SO's or whatever), let's face it, our first natural instinct, is our own survival.
I agree. Very well said. I
I agree. Very well said. I know I tried, hard, probably too hard and for sure for far too long, and I know I am doing the right thing by checking out because I am protecting myself.
And when you think about it,
And when you think about it, our spouses should be wanting to protect us instead of us having to fight so hard to protect ourselves. We are expected to sacrifice everything that we are. I am lucky and my husband understands where I am coming from (and I know he went against what he really wanted, just for me), but a lot of DHs just don't get it and are not willing to make any sacrifices themselves.
Dtzy, you make all kinds of sacrifices, especially since BM is not in the picture.
That's exactly what I think.
That's exactly what I think. We sacrifice holidays, weekends, birthdays, money and you know when he starts bitching about stuff I think... IT ISNT ME who banged that hoe! You did... They are the ones that could have prevented this in the first place!!! I just get the shaft and have to deal!
"My reply to that is I'm not
"My reply to that is I'm not competing or fighting with a child, and things should not be allowed to get to thepoint where a little boy can cause so much emotional harm and what not because his father feels sorry for him. There's empathy and then there's a point where these parents should wake themselves up and realize that they are the catalysts to the vast majority of the issues.
It's not about choosing sides, its about being in an adult relationship and a parent/child relationship. They aren't mutually inclusive. They are different. And should be treated as such. Just my thinking on it."
^^BAM!!^^ Well said, that is exactly what I think and how I feel.
I completely agree with you
I completely agree with you hereiam. My DH is not like yours. He is one of the ones you refer to that is not willing to make any sacrifices himself and does nothing to protect me. It is all about him and skid and I am supposed to just forget and pretend like none of the stuff that has happened to me ever happened, which is impossible.
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. My fiancé has visitation for two days every 3 weeks but sometimes it ends up being every 2 months and I still just want to hide in the other room when they come. It is just not enjoyable at all to around them, plus it's like your whole life has to completely change for those days that they are there. You have a certain kind of life and relationship with DH and then all of a sudden it is totally different. Who can blame you for wanting to hide. For me it's really annoying because we live in a one bedroom apartment and our bedroom is rit in the middle of the living and bathroom and kitchen so they are always walking through my room... Hard to have any privacy at all. I recommend getting out, going to see family and friends when they come. Take some you time, go to the gym or the spa, something for you!
I totally try to get out of
I totally try to get out of here, but part of me thinks.... THIS IS MY DAMN HOUSE, I bought it, I still pay for it (since child support is crazy), and this is MINE! Yeah, I'm married so now it's half his... but... I do leave and when I come back its... everyone in my damn face!
My husband does not like when I leave like that... he wants us to "be together." I think it's frustrating him to think that his fantasy of us being a "family," like his isn't going to happen. I'm a little worried he's starting to resent me a little, since his step-dad and him REALLY had a great relationship. The kind of relationship I'm certain I won't be able to foster for his kid.
SD is going to Disney world with BM parents, and I get 3 SOLID STRAIGHT WEEKS OFF!!!!!! YAY! I'm so excited I could pee! I wish it was over my birthday!
Your right! It is your house.
Your right! It is your house. And if you need to make some compromises about visitations with DH, he needs to do that for you. How often do they come? Maybe the visitation in your house oculus be a little less and some of the time he can just go visit them for the day, or something like that. Or maybe, set some rules in your house, os that you can keep your sanity, like no tv sometimes and reading or quiet time. I know my fiances kids used to take over the living room and tv, meanwhile that was the only room in the house I could do yoga in. I recently started sending them in the other room to read quietly while I do yoga in my living room. At first my fiancé was like, "oh, but what are they supposed to do without the tv. I was like ok maybe they shouldn't be watching tv the whole time they visit anyway. He also was upset that I go and os my own thing during visitation. He wished we could all be together during that time. He has become somewhat better about expecting it. He doesn't say anything anymore but still is a little sensitive about it for a day after they leave or so. I used to feel like maybe it was on me to make them feel more welcomed or be part of their time together, but I really just don't want to. I don't enjoy it and it actually is not good for me.so from now on I will be doing my stuff away from home during any visitations even more than before, Guilt free... Because you have to take care of yourself first. I heard this saying that if you are taking care of yourself you probablyfeltguilty and if your not you probably felt resentful. Very true for me, but I'm done with the guilt. One time my fiance called me selfish for not being more involved and understanding about the kids. I thought about it for a second and realized if I were really selfish I wouldn't even deal with a guy with all these kids period. Plus it is super selfish of him to expect anything from me in regards to the kids to begin with... I think it's pretty selfish to expect someone else to help you carry around that really heavy baggage that he comes with.
That is how I feel! I should
That is how I feel! I should not have to leave my own damn house!!! I have pets that I cannot even stand the thought of leaving alone while skid is here. I hide in my room with them instead, which is still so ridiculous, but it is my only refuge.
I have come to this thread
I have come to this thread late but just wanted to make one comment - no-one who has not been in a step situation will have any understanding of your feelings. In real life, the only friends who know where you're coming from will be any who are step parents themselves. That is why places like this are necessary.
I stopped talking to the
I stopped talking to the wrong people about it quickly because it hurts so much to not only being understood but also to be judged."She is only a child".You are the adult"."She is just his little girl".Indirectly accusing me how bad I am not to love this child.Or even feel negatively towards her!Of course they were certain that they could "love her just like their own" and I am the failure here.
At the beginning I just bottled it all up until the weirdness of the situation (extreme disney dad with rotten spoiled daughter) was getting just too strong and I called the "parent advice helpline" for some advice for blended family situations.And that was the first time I spoke to someone who would not judge me but understand totally why I felt so sad and upset.That guy told me the first time about the importance of putting the adult relationship first and that it is actually not ok to put kids on a pedestial like SO did with his daughter big time.I felt so much relief and much less than a unfriendly and selfish person.
After that I discovered Step talk....What a difference when talking to real step mothers here in contrast to listen to those who live in core families..!! Unfortunately I must admit that before I was a step mom, I had no clue either what to expect and what is realistic.I thought love would just come like I just had it for my own three kids.Until now it didn't happen, but well, at least I know now that this is normal in many many cases and it doesn't make me a bad person.:)