Im writing this to try and get some of my thoughts down so I can try and get some feelings and thoughts across without allowing interruptions or emotions distract me from what I am trying to say.
I expect this will be somewhat of a wandering letter as I jump all over the place. Ill try and keep it somewhat coherent but sometimes I cant even get my feelings squared away for myself.

I had a pretty emotional ride to work this morning. When I was leaving and BD2 asked us to hug together like she sometimes does, made my heart soar, I loved it, as always. She is adorable and you always get a big smile too as we share a group hug that that. I cant bear the thought of losing those moments. They are all I have that I feel good about in my life right now.

I love you more than you know. I miss you completely because you are present as the mother in the house but I feel like Ive lost my wife and have no idea if I will get her back. I havent seen you look at me the way you used to in so long. I think back to what you told me about what happened with you and your last serious BF. You just lost the feelings you had, and when they were gone, they were gone you said. Im worried I am in the same boat, that your feelings for me are gone. You perhaps love me as BD2’s father and former lover, but that’s it.

Ive been witnessing out marriage die slowly over the last 18 months, maybe it started sooner, but that’s where things became clear that we were heading in the wrong direction. I feel like everything between us is strained. We can talk about stuff, like shopping, whats for dinner, whats happening this week, how SD13 did on a test, or what BD2 said that made you laugh. But we never seem to talk about each other. Even regular conversations seem awkward, like we don’t know what to say next, or who says ‘I love you’ first, or at all. Will there be a hug when I get home, or leave? Every night I go to bed either alone as you do work or cmdart stuff late into the night, or with you as we turn to opposite sides of the bed and go to sleep alone more or less. I still have days or nights where I think maybe there will be some physical connection, but I cant initiate anymore. I even felt completely paralyzed at one point on Valentines Day. We had a nice moment and a spark of our old connection and while I wasn’t looking to sweep you off to bed, I wanted to express myself with more than a hug and peck on the cheek. I couldn’t, my heart was pounding more in fear or rejection than anything else. I always felt so close to you when we made love. It wasn’t just a great physical connection, which it absolutely was almost all the time, but it was an amazing connection emotionally, spiritually, soulfully. I don’t know how to describe it, but that connection obviously is missing. Simply having sex to satisfy a male need isnt what I am asking for. If you don’t want to be with me, to share that together, then there is no point to it. Im not looking for you to do it to shut me up, or fulfill a wifely duty or anything like that. If it’s a chore, or unwanted, or anything other than a desire to connect together I don’t want it either. I need you to want to be with me, as my wife, friend, lover. To get there I need you to let me back in. If you cant let me back in, eventually, you know you need to let me go.
I feel so isolated in our house. There have been so many hushed conversations that ended the moment I walk into the room. I feel like there is so much tension and awkwardness when the entire family is in the same room.
I do believe that SD13 has come to resent me. I am relevant only in how I may be an impediment to whatever it is she may want. At the same time I am frustrated with some of her behaviors and actions and feel I can do nothing about them, any attempt to discuss them goes poorly. That only causes more distance between everyone.
I try to make small attempts to engage SD13 every day. I take her to school each morning, a mostly silent ride as she listens to her ipod and texts. I tell her to have a good day, every day when I drop her off. Usually she just closes the door. Sometimes she says something I cant hear, I just assume its ‘you too’ or something along that line. When you are leaving to take her to a game, I always say have a good game, which again she rarely responds, unless you happen to prompt her. I always ask how the game was when you get back.
I am trying, but as long as SD13 feels that I am a speed bump in her life I don’t have a chance.
Maybe SD13 and I cant become as close as you would like. I thought we were doing ok, with challenges, up until around when BD2 was born. There is natural jealous reactions, and mixed with that was the start of her hitting puberty and all the emotions and changes that come with it.
From my perspective I see you trying very hard to be there for SD13, to let her grow up, but trying to keep her approval, and affection. I think you are feeling that this will keep SD13 willing to talk to you about things, or keep you informed about other areas in her life. But in order to minimize any confrontation and a fear of her pulling away, I see you give SD13 the ability to do almost whatever she wants, with no responsibility.
She treats you very poorly at times in my opinion. She demands your attention when she wants it, interrupting any conversation, acting rude and childish. She orders you to ‘move it’ when she is late and you aren’t standing by at the ready. She does this and its accepted.
She treats our entire home like her bedroom floor. She drops her bag anywhere. She has taken off pants and left them on the floor in the hall, by the front door for 3 days before I moved them. Dishes, glasses, bottles, sit outside her door for days.
She brings bowls of cereal, mozzarella sticks, and anything else she feels like into her room, despite being told she wasn’t to bring food into her room.
She ignores the rules put in place about the cell phone. She slowly steps over the line and when not challenged on any of it begins to ignore them completely.
She completely expects that you will take her where ever she asks, mall, movies, and if you cant her behavior becomes angry and moody. She uses that against you whenever you don’t let her do something. Perhaps its too hard to see from your perspective, or you don’t mind her barking at you. Have you noticed how I so often make myself scarce when this happens? Its hard for me. You don’t deserve to be treated that way, and she doesn’t have the right to act that way. I strongly disapprove, but have no say whatsoever.
Now let me make this clear, I am not bashing SD13. And I do love her and want the best for her. That’s partially what we are fighting over. SD13 is a very smart and beautiful young lady. She does well in school, has some good friends, and hasn’t made any truly bad decisions that Im aware of. She has a lot going for her. But she is still a child. When we were living together you told me that you found it easier to just do something yourself, rather than expand the energy to get SD13 to do it, be it cleaning up after dinner or other things. So she learned to not do it, mom would take care of it. When asked to do something the answer is always ‘I will do it later’ which may be DAYS later or not at all as someone else does it before she could get to it. So, she knows what to do to avoid chores, and it works, why should she do differently? It still works.
You get angry with me if I happen to not help after dinner, or if the house is getting messy enough to begin to bother you.
Look at what she does for chores. Vacuuming the hardwoods and dusting. These tend to be rush jobs that are given a half hearted attempt. Why should she so more when she doesn’t have to. Attempts to get her to do other things are met with hostility at times or flat out ignoring the request.
She wasn’t asked to do anything additional after my back surgery. I had hoped she would help you, and asked her to please help you, but there was nothing. You were overworked with the baby and me out of commission, but you began to express frustrations that I wasn’t doing more while I was still recovering, and trying to help, but not enough. SD13 wasn’t asked to do anything.

I really feel that if we can sit down together and set out rules, and be clear they are rules and not guidelines and stick to them things would fall into normalcy after a bit of difficulty.
Im not looking to stifle her, or lock her in the house 6 days a week.

Some things I need:

I need my wife back. I need to reestablish some intimacy together and regrow it. I wish to be husband and wife, not only mom and dad.

I need respect for all in the house. I include SD13, she deserves respect as well.

I expect people to pick up after themselves. Having a 2 year old means having things in upheaval fairly regularly, but that shouldn’t mean everyone can drop their stuff anywhere and pick it up anytime, or not at all.

I expect more from SD13 than dusting and vacuuming once a week. She needs to pick up after herself, help cleanup after family dinners. I think she should be responsible for cleaning her bathroom, minus the tub, which you like to do before BD2’s bath. She can clean her own toilet and all the toothpaste in the sink, etc. I think this is a reasonable request that these are part of her responsibility as a member of the family. Perhaps you have other thoughts we can discuss. But as SD13 gets older and expects more freedoms and privileges, she should also be contributing more

I expect that whatever rules we do decide upon set are stuck to. I think all too often ‘rules’ become guidelines, which then become irrelevant without challenge. I cant be the only one to notice or call out things when they slide.

I believe there must be some clear rules and boundaries within any family. There are No Rules in our house, only guidelines and suggestions.

If we were able to get to this point, it would be much easier for me to find the ability to see more positives and interact with SD13 better. I wont be tied up in knots or frustrated about so many things that bother me. It would be a start not a fix.

If we can do this, it wont solve all our problems, but I think it will allow us to begin to rebuild our foundation.

I believe, I hope, that we both have the same goal. To raise 2 beautiful girls and prepare them as best we can for life, and to continue to love and cherish each other as we grow older, because the family cannot thrive if we as a couple aren’t.