I am so new to this -- no clue to handle to handle his ex!
I've been dating someone for just under five months, and it has been wonderful. We dated in high school, and only broke up because he left for college and we didn't want to try the long distance thing. Now that we're older, things are going great, and we both feel this could be it for us. He is in the military, and one month into our relationship he went on deployment.
He has a 2 year old son with his ex girlfriend (who is now married). He's a great dad, pays over his child support, sends extra when he can, and when he's home has full custody, not just visitation rights. I have not met the son, or the ex.
His ex seems bound and determined to get him back (even though she's married). She emails him constantly, not just updates about his son, but also about how much she misses him, how they were meant to be together, how she can't wait for him to come home so they can be a family, etc. Then when he tells her that he's coming back home (where his family is - and me) for Thanksgiving, she says she won't let him bring his son home for Thanksgiving because she doesn't want his son around me. Even though he and I had agreed we would wait until Christmas for me to meet him so that we could solidify our relationship first. So we're obviously not off to a great start.
Then his mom sent out an email with a photo of his son (she had gone for a visit) to a whole bunch of people, and ended up putting both of us on the list. So now she has my email address. She first send me an email that just said "Whatever! Some things never change! Trust me!" I had no clue who she was. I've been planning a high school reunion, so I emailed her back and asked her who she was and if she went to our high school. And she sends me an email back with all sorts of profanity, calling me everything from fatty to even nastier terms, essentially saying I was just a fling, that they were meant to be together, and would be together once he got home, and the kicker -- that she's been sending him nude photos of herself for weeks. NUDE PHOTOS!!
I asked him about it, and he confirmed she had done it, and had not told me because he 'didn't know what to say.'
I'm not sure how to react, whether to be angry with him for not telling me, angry with her for being so vicious and emailing me, or just sad that this is what their son has to look forward to growing up. I haven't responded to the email, and won't, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. I also can't help but feel I'm almost in some kind of competition. He assures me that he wants us to be together again, that she is nothing more than Peyton's mom to him, but do I really want to be involved with this?
Is there any chance that as our relationship continues her determination to be vicious will slack off any? Is this some kind of crazy test to see if she can tear us apart? Any advice on how to handle this? I don't want to come between my boyfriend and his son --- that's the last thing I want to do. I don't want him to be exposed to her anger towards me if I can help it. So I'm torn and have no experience -- HELP! What can I do, or should I just walk away?
You say she's married! And
You say she's married! And she's carrying on like this... I think she's a bit wacko and he probably knows it and doesn't want to be with her....so try not worry about that part too much.
I can see him not knowing what to do or say or how to bring it up about the pics or worried about how you'd react. Don't prove him right, for trying to avoid disagreements by not tell you about it...it's not he's fault she did this thing to cause trouble. Be cool about it...so he's not afraid to talk to you when she does crazy things to cause trouble....don't let her 'win' that game.
I would say don't respond...she's doing it to cause trouble...and it's been my experience with craxy x-wives (well..just one)that they feed on the attention. If she gets no rise or acknowledgement out of either of your for her actions..she will get bored or more on and eventually back off. It may take years!! And you will probably always have to watch your back...and learn good coping skills as a couple.
You'll have to decide if this is the life you want to take on....don't rush things....
Hope that helps...
It does help SO MUCH...but now...
...I really appreciate the help. And after reading it I had that conversation with him, maybe not telling me about the photos was a bad move, not because I'm mad about it but because it made me feel a little out of the loop - I'd rather know what she's done then not. I realized that I the reason he's attracted to me is because I am lacking in that drama, so I told him I wasn't going to get involved unless it was as a united front with him when he needed me to.
And then he told me that her taking the initiative to email me proved to him that she was willing to insert herself into any relationship he had, and that he felt that until he separated more from her or "closed that chapter" that he didn't want to put me through the kind of nastiness she was capable of. In other words, he wasn't sure he should be involved in a relationship with me until she was less likely to do something like this.
She is crazy, this woman probably won't get better -- ESPECIALLY if she succeeds in making him quit seeing me! I told him that this was exactly the reaction she was hoping for, and why go it alone if he really felt we had something good going. But he said that he didn't feel like he could have a normal relationship with anyone until he figured out a way to keep her muzzled, and that he felt that maybe a part of him liked the attention of her trying so hard to get him back.
WHAT?! I so didn't see this coming. I mean, he's a guy - of course he'd love some woman trying to get him back, but to try and end a relationship because of her, after she's continued to make his life miserable since even before she got pregnant?
I'm really confused, and it doesn't help that he's off on deployment and I can't see him face to face to know what's really going on. I have no clue if this is a way he's trying to protect me or if he really has just been looking for an out. But not even 12 hours ago he was telling me how much he missed me, we were making plans for the weekend he came home, and I just got this beautiful letter from him telling me how much he cares for me.
Anyway, I guess the point is moot now. I just really hate that she's managed to poison a really good thing with us, and hate that her children are watching and learning from her behavior. I guess there's nothing more I can really do. But I do really appreciate the advice. Wish I could have had the chance to use it.
no comment
no comment
Nope....I wouldn't respond either...
It is very difficult for the x to have a one way conversation of nasties, so don't respond! That is not what she is looking for. Don't even let her know that it bugged you at all. This is kind of elementary school bullying behaviour. So what is the best way to deal with a bully?
As for the photos, that is down right weird. Did you ex redirect the email back to her with a curt response? Just once would do that. If it continues, block her emails.
I just thought of
I just thought of something..
My SIL had enough of wicked SD and ended up forwarding crazy e-mails from SD...to everyone else in the family, including SD's mother... (This was after years of abuse' & trouble making by this kid..now married mother of two late 20's)
SD thinks that everyone lives in thier own little bubble and what is said and done to someone here ...stays b/t them.
As SIL began speaking of 'things' that were said & done by SD...to Sd's Husband...his mother ..the other father of one of her children and his parents..other family members,..etc. She discovered that she had different 'stories'...for each separate group..whom she thought would NEVER interact on that 'personal level' and share this nonsense with.
She really didn't give a shit what her father or stepmother thought of her....BUT she did give a shit when 'others' found out.... Many in the family won't associate with her anymore. And other's who she played head games with and had fooled ..have seen another side..
It definately mellowed her lies & antics out....but I'm sure she's seething on the inside and SIL with always have to watch her back. SD is not a person of character!!!
This may or maybe be an option down the road....
The other idea I had was....
If you & BF think she will pursue custody....you guys should prepare for it now..start building evidence for your case..like it's going down next month.
These e-mails & pics show a 'less than nurturing' side to her and may be useful in court....
You may stir a bees nest too....
BUT if you do choose to respond...always stay calm, cordial, respectful, nurturing, offering olive branches...etc. "I'm sorry you feel that way...." "Could you please stop e-mailing me.." that kind of thing.....very kind & gentle (even if your ready to rip her face off...never let it show)
Chances are it will just infuriate her..even more..and another barrage will begin....more ammo for court/restraining order. It may be more helpful for SS to do what you can to make sure custody stays with Dad. I don't think SS stands a chance with mom as primary...
Things to think about........
It's more peaceful....just to ignore the e-mails...I'm in peace mode lately
I think she will cause trouble for SS and BF regardless of what woman is in thier lives..... It is NOT you!!!!! Like you said she doesn't even know you.... How could it be you??!! It's any woman he's around..it's totally her issues...but she will try to visit them on you two. Don't let her!!
Well...I guess my second
Well...I guess my second posting is 'outdated' already..we were both typing at the same time..lol
Men don't get it sometimes....or at least I don't get them. He will NEVER be able to 'muzzle her' with any relationship....EVER!!! Man, if she's a player..she certainly knows EXACTLY how to play him. He walked right into it!!!
Likes the attention!! Given the circumstances I think that might be a deal breaker...
Maybe he's not ready..and you guys need to be sooooo united to keep someone like this woman from stirring trouble.
Maybe after being away..he just wants peace & quiet at all costs..
Wait until he gets back..and talk some more. Maybe a break is in order for him to decide how he wants his life to evolve......maybe the light will go on at some point!
....if that's the kind of attention he likes....
Sorry the conversation didn't go the way you wanted...but at least it opened your eyes to a few things...that's always a good thing.
I agree with lovin life..
But I would just have to find out the husbands email and forward the pics from your bf email account.. Well at least that is what I would want to do.
Do you love this man? Do you feel in your heart that he is the one you can share your life with, in every aspect? Can you see you two growing old together? Are you so happy that you are just always smiling? I would say if you answer these with yes.. Then stick this out.
She is just trying to cause you grief.. And if you do not react you are driving her crazy..
Don't be hard on him for not telling you, he was probably apprehensive because how do you bring that up.. By the way I got some nude photos of my ex today.. Are you ok with that? I would probably not know how to tell my husband that either.. But it would eat at me until I did..
She sounds like a head case.. First of all that is showing she has no class.. Classy woman do not do that..
Yeah, it only takes a second for the weather to change...
...yeah, it was pretty surprising to get the comment about the attention, but I get what he's saying. I mean, how many of us can honestly say that even when we're in a committed relationship, someone actively trying to be with us isn't something we like, even if we don't admit it? But good grief if she isn't nuts with an extra helping of crazy.
He says he wants to try again soon, that he just needs to get things formalized with her (He does not have an official custody arrangement with the court, and I've been telling him for months he needed to get that) and put real distance between the two of them, something he can't do while he's underway (he has to be in daily contact with her to get updates on his son). He's supposed to call today, and I thought I would ask him during the conversation:
1) Is this really what's going on or has this just presented an opportunity for you to not be involved with me?
2) What do you want to happen, in a perfect ideal world? Do you see me in your life in some capacity or even want me in your life?
3) Are you reacting because you're afraid she's going to try and take your son away if you continue to see me?
4) Do you still want to see me over Thanksgiving to talk about what's going on or do you just want a clean break?
It just seems really sudden. He's a big softie anyway, all of his friends are always telling him he's way too much of a pushover when it comes to her, because he loves his son so much and is afraid that if he doesn't give in, she'll punish him by not letting him see his son. He figures that if he keeps things easy with her, then things are easier for his son. She's already done things like not send him photos because he's talking to me (the exact quote was "I figured you were too busy emailing your little f---- girlfriend."). So there's a pattern of behavior there.
I don't know. I'm going to just let it be, check in when I can, hope he does the same, and when he comes home maybe we'll get to talk. We went into this thing from the very beginning being honest, the good and the bad, and have connected on a level I don't think either one of us thought possible. I just can't imagine that because of her crazy behavior that he's willing to just walk away from that. But I'll respect his decision either way. I told him I wanted the chance to prove that you don't have to have drama in a relationship, and you don't have to have drama after a relationship, and I want to hold true to that. I'm not like her, and I figure if we do decide to stick together, I have a feeling that will be my selling point, and about the only thing that will keep me (and him!) sane.
PS to happy ---
Forwarding the photos the hubby would be awfully sweet - but they're both in the same branch of the military, where adultery is still considered a punishable crime. I wouldn't want to take the chance of hubby hauling BF up for a court martial. Even if proven innocent, it would still be on his record. But there's the dark part of me that would love to use the nuclear option in her life.
ok so now..
I guess I totally missed the one on how he pretty much broke things off..
Well first of all she is never going to leave him alone unless he is single.. She does not want him but does not want anyone else to have him either. So he is wishful thinking if he thinks that he will ever be rid of her interferring.. Never going to happen.
And he is making this decision for you not himself. He does not want to put you in the middle of this. How dare he make your mind up for you. You need to decide if you can handle the current situation and decide if your love can with stand her wind tunnels not him solely based on the fact that he does not want to put you through this. That is crap. I would ask first and foremost if he is really over her? I would also ask him why he is making the decision on what you can or can't handle with out your input? It is proven that woman are stronger then men in mind, look at all the stuff we have to do. Anways there is a deeper issue here then her just being a flake. Most ex's are.. My first husbands ex wife did not want him but as soon as I came into the picture she wanted him to be plain out miserable and tried like hell to chase me off, and guess what we have two kids who are beautiful and we are divorced and he is an ass but I would not change anything because of my kids. They are so awesome. But she will never change and he can either accept that and move on with his life now or he can be alone until his son is old enough for her to leave him alone but again that will probably never happen.. And give up what he may regret forever.. He has a lot of thinking to do as well as you. But more so him..
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