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"competitive-type problems with SD"

sheila's picture

Submitted by sheila on Tue, 10/17/2006 - 5:05pm

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StressedSM i am curious to hear what your issues are with SD and competition. I am experiencing some issues with a 17 yr old. I am living with my b/f and his 17 yr old daughter. She is a pathological liar and has played numerous "games" with me and with my relationship with her father. She does not speak to me anymore since I have confronted her on some things. Anyway, as time goes on I have noticed that she appears to be competing with me for her father's attention. I know that some of this is normal, but I feel she has crossed the line on many things. She interupts our conversations ie: if he asks me a question, she will butt in and answer it. She has gone so far as to act like his g/f by flirting with him, saying and doing things that I would say and do, etc. She is twice my size and has begun dressing like me (tank tops etc). She used to wear the huge basketball shorts that boys wear. One thing i find particularly weird is she insists on leaving her bras on the dryer after she washes her clothes. I will either put them in her room or toss them back in the dryer with the other clothes she leaves in there, and low and behold, they are on top of the dryer again. I don't know what it is but for some reason she thinks her dad and I need to see these items. These are just a couple things that I realize i have not elaborated on, but i hope you get the idea.

I am interested if anyone else has similar things going on in their home.

happy mom's picture

Submitted by happy mom on Tue, 10/17/2006 - 6:45pm

wow, that's pretty interesting. does your bf spend enough time w/her? maybe she is doing that to get attention from her father? maybe she sees that he spends more time w/you than her and wants to mimic you in return for attention. did you discuss this w/your BF? what did he say? i don't she does this on purpose to hurt you intentionally, she is reacting to what she is lacking from her own father. i wouldn't discipline her on this issue, let her father talk to her and guide her to what behavior is accepted and not accepted..like the bra thing.

-happy mom

sheila's picture

Submitted by sheila on Tue, 10/17/2006 - 7:01pm

for responding. He does spend a ton of time with her. In fact, SHE is #1, not me. But nothing is enough for her. She keeps pushing the envelope. We actually "hide" things from her so we don't have to deal with her whiney butt. Like if we go out to eat to a place she likes to go to, just he and I, God forbid she should find out about it. It's stupid to walk on eggshells around this kid, but she rules the roost. She has made it very clear that she does not want me around. Its not only about whether or not he spends time with her...until I got there she was home alone at night, while he works and now that I am there she cannot be out all night or have kids over. (Which is what she did repeatedly before...whether she got caught or not, she kept it up). He has issues from his divorce that he overcompensates for with her. SHe is literally spoiled rotten and gets whatever she wants, is never held accountable, he never follows thru on punishment with her cuz he feels guilty...etc. Talking with him about some of this is a very very very very touchy subject. He has gotten better since he has caught her in several lies himself, but to be honest..i think he is "tired". Hes been a single parent for 8 yrs and I think he is just waiting it out until she leaves the nest. I do not agree with this, nor has he actually said this to me, its just my observation. He doesnt not question her about anything because he is tired of being lied to. SHe does not even want him having a relationship with his older daughter. Even THAT upsets her. It's all weird to me and i think she could benefit from talking with a therapist...but thats another story. She knows no boundaries and does not care who sees her doing her business or preparing to shower. It's almost like she wants to be seen; by leaving the bathroom door open. She is so enmeshed with his adult life that she behaves as though i am the "other woman". I have been able to talk very little to him about this. Some of the things he has corrected himself by changing his behavior towards her, but the other stuff is "female" issues. Like when male dogs fight over territory, one just pisses all over something to make it as his own. When females are territorial, one just pushes the other out of the nest.

Thanks for letting me vent. Like so many here, i am so happy to have found this site. Its a relief to be able to talk and get feedback from others who share the pain and confusion.

happy mom's picture

Submitted by happy mom on Tue, 10/17/2006 - 7:40pm

i guess perhaps she is jealous of you being in the picture now. maybe afraid to lose her father over you. i know this will flip your mind but maybe if you work on a better relationship w/SD then that way she won't feel threatened by you. tell her that you are not there to take her father away from her and that you love them both. children/teens are not mature enough to understand so sometimes you gotta change what you are doing to correct their behavior by caring/reassuring them. we sometimes forget that they are still learning and we think they should think like us but not true. i know it will take some time and patience but good in the long run. i did the same w/my SS, i worked on getting closer to him now he is not afraid of me and the relationship now is superb.

-happy mom

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Tue, 10/17/2006 - 10:19pm

Happy Mom,

I have very similar problems with my BF’s daughter. Did you feel any resentment toward your SS for everything you were put through? My BF’s daughter is trying her best to destroy my relationship with her father and he does nothing but support her. If so, how were you able to push past that to build a better relationship without feeling like you were, for lack of a better word, NOTHING. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t want her to feel like she can play me like she does her father.

It seems, showing I care and trying to reassure her mean nothing to her. She just wants you to buy her something or take her somewhere. It’s all about what she can get you to do for her, and if you are not willing, she doesn’t want to bother with you.

I apologize Sheila, I didn’t mean to intrude on your discussion.

sheila's picture

Submitted by sheila on Wed, 10/18/2006 - 8:10am

I was hoping to hear from you to on this. I swear you are either living in my head or living in my house. you asked all the same questions i ask myself. I tried to have a relationship with this girl, same as you, she uses people for what she can get. Once she learned that i was not going to "side" with her on everything, she had no use for me. My "first" husband had a son from a previous marriage. SS was 12 when we began dating. We got along GREAT!! Never had these issues with him (until his biomom caused probs, but thats a whole nother story). I am wondering if gender plays a role here. It seems step parents, alot of times, actually get along better with the step k of the opposite sex. I don't know.......but i have to get out the door to work !

have a great day

Sheila