Spoiled Kid
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New to this site....Anyone frustrated because they are step parenting a spoiled kid? I try not to resent the kid, but darn...it can be so hard. BM is borderline personality disorder and is SOOOO self centered. How do we help this child not become like her? I see it happening already and it is very heartbreaking. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!
Risking sounding like a Hallmark card...
...building memories is much better than buying them stuff.
We're kind of in that situation (SD13, 9, 5 - they live 1300 miles away) where their mother buys them ALL the latest gadgets (with the child support)...where we get them for our visit in the summer and they have clothes that don't fit, but thank God they have PS2s... anyway. The older two each have their own Wii's (last Christmas) and their own PS2s. They both have iPods, 3 in total - different models. They get everything they want pretty much. Especially SD13. BM is trying to live thru her, it's sad really. So yea, they have all the toys they want etc.
On the flip side, they aren't allowed to do any school activities. SD9 went on her first sleep over on Friday. She's 9 people! They also aren't allowed to ride the school bus because they might get in an accident. So Bm drives them to school...and no one wears a seat belt. How's that safer? Even SD5 who's in a car seat still.
Back to my point: The thing these girls don't get a lot of is memory building. My DH and I pay all this child support and can't afford to buy them these things. What we do instead is eat dinner at the table together (at home the younger two eat in a bedroom while SD13 and BM eat together in front of the tv). We also do crafts together, something they never do at home, never. We play games together. Do chores together, their mom does all the chores at home so they aren't learning any skills for later in life. We watch movies together and not in separate rooms like they do at home. Also, my family is a little larger around my home than what they have at home so they get to see more family that they barely know but loves them to death. SD13 gets this smile on her face when my dad hugs her like he was her blood Gpa. The younger two just run to my mother like she was always there everyday. If their mother saw them doing all of this, they would be in a world of hurt and grounded for life. Poor kids.
I think building memories (even if you feel angry by the fact that they are spoiled and you feel it's just not right) are more important than what you can buy them. They will remember that stuff more than what they got for their birthday in 20 years anyway.
Also, it's a power trip for BM over the DH. BM is doing it to make us look bad. We know it. It took my DH a long time to realize it and it might for the rest of yours to realize it too. He finally figured out that they aren't fulfilled and we're doing that for them when we have them. He was really guilty for a while and would pay for extra stuff on top of the child support but now that money is tighter (he opened his own business but is doing really well) we just can't afford that extra stuff. They were just as happy with some clothes I'd bought them at a garage sale as what I got them in a store.
Good luck! Just love them at the end of the day.
Thanks
Thanks for emphasizing "building memories." Often times my husband and I talk about how we are doing just that and the BM is being the disneyland mom. We eat dinner together, do household chores, play games, and just spent a few days playing in the snow. The video games and tv just sit upstairs, unplayed. I get frustrated at times, but know that we are doing the right thing by just "being" and not always trying to be something or do something big and great. Kids need memories, and that is what I will focus on helping to build for him. Thanks for listening.
I know exactly how you feel!
BM is totally the disneyland parent and we know it. She gives my SD10 everything. SD is now on her 3rd cell phone. Last year she got one for Christmas and another for EASTER (which cost $279). For Easter!!! She buys everything and we can't quite figure out how but oh well.
This year for Christmas my SD is getting: ipod with ALL accessories, nintendo ds with case and tons of games, north face jacket, ring, flat iron, clothes, cds, etc etc. It's ridiculous. We ended up with a lot of gifts for her too because I bought stuff all year long. We were going to hold off on her big gift until her bday in Feb but BM told SD that we were responsible for a gift she really wanted. BM is a secretary who makes maybe $12/ hour and her husband just recently got a factory job. How do they do it?!
My thoughts are let her be the disneyland parent because she will always have to fill SDs needs with stuff. SD knows we wont do it.
So glad I am not alone
I am new to this site and couldn't be happier to have found all of you! I have been married since June 2008 to an absolutely wonderful man. He just so happens to have a daughter, age 6. We met when she was 2, so she knows me and has no recollection of her BM and BF together. Baby-mama-drama situation.
My parents divorced when I was 10 and remarried some serious nut jobs who both assaulted me and my SM tried to kill me with a steak knife. So I know how bad it can be. But I moved away from my parents and put myself through college and grad school.
The SD6 and I always got along when her BF nad I were dating and I saw her for a few hours during the EOW visitation. Never stayed over, thought it was inappropriate.
We have her EOW, Tuesday evenings from 4:30 - 7:30 and alternating Thursday evenings as above if we don't have her that weekend.
After we got married, I moved in and the insanity slowly crept in. My DH is in the top 500 for guilt-parenting. She was 5 and about to go into kindergarten when we got married. For the two visits before kindergarten started, he would watch movies with her in her room and fall asleep there. I told him I thought it was inappropriate and he balked.
Then came the inability for her to wash herself or her hair in the bathtub. Oh and the constant need for Daddy to sit in the bathroom while she bathed. Even more inappropriate. She has told me that she showers on her own at BM's. But likes to takes baths at our house because our tub is clean. I am a neat freak.
Now it's the whole picking up after herself problem. Wet towels on the floor, fish food all over the table (why do we have a smelly tank anyway?), toys all over the place, empty juice boxes in her room, etc.
Oh and the peeing her pants and not telling anyone. Every weekend when I do laundry I smell pee. :sick: Now she has to be told to go to the bathroom and to flush and to wash her hands.
I am a neat freak and believe in personal responsibility. Learn it now cause the world's a tough place and we won't always be around to coddle you.
I had to institute the making the bed routine, putting toys away before bed and before leaving the house. DH doesn't think she should have to pick up on the weekday evenings that she is over. "Not enough time."
About a month ago, I hit my limit. DH and I sleep in the nude for the most part. C'mon, we're newly weds! At 2 a.m., I hear my husband roll over and squish me. Not thinking anything about it, I fell back asleep. Woke up at 6 a.m. to find my DH gone and my SD in our bed! I let my DH know that **** does not fly with me. Oh, it gets better. The next night at 1 a.m., I hear my husband get up and leave. So I waited and sneaked out after him. Apparently, my SD had come into our room (I had shut our door and latched it, not locked it)without knocking and woke my DH up. She was lonely. (Why? I don't know. But she has been in her room and bed for more than six months and has a night light that is more like a strobe light.) My DH goes down stairs to her room and lays with her until she falls back asleep.
I do not have children but we are looking to do so next year. But I think this is totally inappropriate. Her room and bed are for her and ours is for us and us alone. She is completely dependent on him. She can't tie her shoes, find her slippers, make her bed or clean her room without her dad.
This past weekend was bad. I have been working 21 days straight and finally got a weekend off. I was tired and got a migraine to make matters worse. SD was whining that she missed her mom. (We don't think she sees her much. Always dropping her off at grandparents' house.) Called her mom every 12 hours. And decided against picking up after herself. We were visiting my grandparents and she had stuff everywhere. When it was about time to go, she refused to pick up. I gave her the eyebrow and told her to get to it or we would give all her toys to needy kids who deserved them.
When we got home, my DH told me I was a cold-hearted witch, to quit barking orders at her and that he did fine parenting before me and could do fine without me. WTF? Where did that come from? Someone draws the line with your kid and you can't handle it? You smother her and don't let her grow-up. I am at a loss. He told me I was the best female influence she would ever have in her life as the BM is a former druggie and may still be as she is constantly in and out of bars. His mom is so wrapped up in her new marriage and hates the BM so she ignores the SD. His sister is a narcisist and can't be trusted. I am a grad school and college student with a full-time career and more class than that BM could shake a stick at.
When the SD isn't around, our marriage is fantastic! I doubt I could ever be happier.
Any suggestions?
So glad I am not alone - Part II
Oh, I forgot to add how our EOW is a celebration. I work at a ski resort and have access to great amenities and experiences. My in-laws and DH are avid skiers. I am the jackpot.
Every weekend this winter, the DH takes the SD skiing. I don't go because I would like to enjoy my weekends away from work when possible.
If they don't go skiing, it's the movie theatre, the indoor playground place, trips to PapPap's house, new toys and more.
I thought we were saving so we could have a house, a dog and possibly a new car. Not to mention have a child of our own.
In that area, I told SD, who thinks she will be the greatest nanny and helper, that she had to grow up before she was allowed to do anything for any potential children.
Am I evil?