Who's really in control here?
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SD14 hasn't been straight home any evening this week! Monday, she had a program at school at 7:30 pm. What she did until then, who knows. She INFORMS DH each day what her plans are after school, or at least what she wants him to think are her plans! She has exams this week, and I know she isn't studying for them! Oh, well...if she's smoking pot again or ends up pregnant, not gonna be my problem...and she will not stay here where I will get asked constantly to take care of a baby that no one else wants to deal with! I'll divorce before that happens!
DH needs to pull in the reigns soon, or he isn't going to have any control!
All this trouble started at
All this trouble started at BM's and when she got tired of what her lack of parenting caused, she sent the girl to us! BM actually wants SD14 to have boyfriends...thinks it's cute! I'm not allowed to say anything about it. I just have to listen to DH complain. I tell him, Don't tell me! Tell your daughter!" That goes nowhere!
Yeah...I know there is no
Yeah...I know there is no turning this thing around. Any time I try to wake DH up, he throws in my face that BS19 does what he wants. That is because BS19 is an adult!!! HELLO! He didn't do what ever he wanted before he was an adult! Even so, there are still base rules for him living in this house...finish school, go to work, no alcohol, no drugs, no friends over to our house without checking with me first, clean up after yourself, etc. Basic common courtesy rules. And yes, my son is in his senior year of high school...b-day was this month, which meant in our state, he couldn't even go into 1st grade until he was just a few months away from turning 7 (you had to be 6 before the 1st of September), and he failed ONLY 4th grade when he was dealing with all the emotions of my ex suddenly deciding he didn't want to be a father any longer...it was a tough year. BS19 hardly asks for anything from us...sure, his yearbook, cap and gown fees, help with clothes every now and then when the stuff he has is getting too worn out to continue wearing...but he doesn't EXPECT anything above his needs. He goes to school, has practice, and works 20+ hours a week. But most importantly...HE IS AN ADULT! He gets into trouble, he has to deal with it, and he knows it! I don't have to take off work to go to court or anything like that...I'm not responsible for that any longer. He also has his own means of getting around. Shoot, he had a tire blowout a couple of weeks ago, and just called me to let me know where he was and what had happened...he was already on it taking care of it. On the other hand, SD14 is NOT an adult, and anything she does will affect us...financially or otherwise. For that very reason alone, we should have some say in what she is doing! When it no longer can affect us, do whatever the hell you want!
OH good grief! My OSS was
OH good grief! My OSS was allowed to call the shots. He TOLD his father (and mother) what he would be doing. I asked DH why a 14 yr old didn't ask if it suited or was permitted. His answer was "Well, he has never given us cause to doubt him." Within a year he was picked up with his friends smoking pot. 4 years later he was in Drug Court.
And all because he did not account for himself and his parents 'trusted' him.
Oh, this princess thinks she
Oh, this princess thinks she is going to start learning how to drive the second she turns 15 in March, though no other teenager in this house stared learning until they were nearly 17! She expects to get her license and a car at 16, and considering that DH is already tired of playing taxi after a few months, he thinks this is a good idea! I've already said, he teaches her and not in my car! I will NEVER hand her the keys to my car!
He won't wake up...he is too trusting when it comes to SD14, even with her history. On the other hand, BS19 (still in his senior year after failing one grade due to issues dealing with my ex in elementary school, and the way Texas law works with regards to birthdays) will say he is going to be at his friend's studying, and DH doesn't believe him!!! BS19 has never gotten into trouble!!! AND, he is an adult, and we've already had the discussion with him that he gets more freedom, but if he screws up it is all on him. He only has a few rules...common courtesy stuff. Clean up after yourself, be home by midnight, let me know what your plans are so I know you're safe, and keep your grades up and finish school. He does all these things, and it is looking very promising for him getting to college. We know all his friends, know their parents...a bunch of good kids. But DH still doesn't trust him? We know nothing about SD14's friends, we've not met any parents, but sure, DH trusts that SD14 is doing what she says with who she says!? After everything? The alcohol, pot, skipping school, friend naked picture fiasco? Yeah, trust the kid who has gotten in mor trouble by 14 than the other two teenagers put together through their entire teen years, and don't trust the one who is always where he says he is, works his butt off, etc!
Last night we were over at my
Last night we were over at my sister-in-law's hanging out. SIL offered to do SD14's nails, so she got excited and promptly went on Pinterest to find what she wanted. When SIL said she couldn't do the complicated design SD14 picked out, she copped an attitude and said she really didn't want her nails done anyway! SIL was a bit annoyed by the attitude, and instead of pulling SD14 aside and putting her in her place, DH passed it off as her usual mood swings!
Then, when we were taking SD14 to BM's, he told her he was picking her up on his way home from work on Tuesday. She asked why not Wednesday, and was told there was no reason an extra trip should be made (it is 60 miles round trip to BM's house, and DH passes right by it on his way home from work). She said okay with an attitude, and we proceeded with the drop of. 10 minutes after we drop SD14 off, BM is calling telling DH that SD14 WILL be staying until Wednesday afternoon! Turns out that instead of filling in DH on anything, SD14 sent BM after DH to get her way. She supposedly has a date on New Year's Eve! That's right, a date! She isn't even supposed to have a boyfriend! DH asked her flat out a couple of days ago if she had a boyfriend, an SD14 lied to his face that she didn't!
So, DH gets SD14 on the phone and gets on to her about lying and hiding things. I was beginning to think that DH grew a set, then he says, "I'm not going to try to stop it this time, but you need to not hide things from me! See you Wednesday evening." What?!? DH doesn't know this guy from Adam, BM made it sound like he and SD14 would not be supervised, and BOTH DH and BM are allowing this date? Especially after SD14 lied about having a boyfriend and the date to DH?
DH's response was, "Well, he lives all the way down there. They will hardly ever see each other." Really? How old is this guy? Does he have a car? If not, I'm sure he has friends with cars!!! And all this sudden "staying late at school" crap...what does DH think has been going on? SD14 and this guy have already been caught in a heavy make out session by SD14's cousin. How far would it have gone if he hadn't walked in?
I swear. She gets pregnant, she is OUT of here! If DH doesn't agree, he can go with her! I am not taking care of a baby!
Isn't it so frustrating?? I
Isn't it so frustrating?? I cannot stand the fact that DH will not put his foot down and show SD13 some tough love! She gets away with everything and just when I think he's finally gonna put her in her place she turns on the waterworks and all is forgotten!
Exactly! If it were my kid,
Exactly! If it were my kid, it would be, "Sorry...#1, I've told you that you are not yet allowed to date, and you are trying to go behind my back to do so. #2, Don't think that you can get your other parent to yell at me and I will just give in. #3, you lied to me and you are hiding things. Sticking to original plan...see you Tuesday after I get off work, and you better be there!" Then, if she wasn't there, then there would be consequences...lost phone, lost internet, etc.
The message DH is sending: I'm afraid of BM, so if you ever really want to change my mind, just make her yell at me to get your way; nothing I say really matters anyway, because there is always a way for you to get your way; do whatever the hell you want!
Here is one thing that really gets under my skin!! Okay, so DH, his sister, and his mother have fallen for one of these get rich quick things. Luckily, it is nothing that is costing us a bunch of money...mother-in-law actually spent the money to bring DH and his sister in to it. DH so thinks that his windfall is right around the corner. I know it is a scam, and that they are both going to be disappointed. Anyway, he tells SD14 that he will hopefully soon be coming into money!!! Now, DH the other day was explaining to SD14 that she couldn't tell her cousin anything about it, because her mother has some reason not to. He goes on to say that it is because SD14 is so much more mature than her cousin that he told her...that her cousin is all into material things and expects things to just be given to her...that this is why her mother hasn't told her anything about this. He was going on and on that SD14 doesn't act this way, and that is why he thinks she can be apprised of our financial situation! Really! I was pissed, and at the same time I'm hearing him say all of this, I wanted to vomit! SD14 is the most self-centered materialistic person out there! How is he so blind to it? He didn't force the makeup on her, when he said pick some makeup, she went crazy not even looking at price, and even gave me attitude when I tried to suggest lesser expensive versions of what she wanted! Every time we go to a store, she thinks we have to buy her something, and if we tell her no, she has an attitude. Even the nail polish thing the other night...if she can't get it her way, she will have an attitude! But she is more mature? She isn't materialistic? Oh lord...as much as I would love for this thing DH has to be real to get us out of debt, I don't want anything to become of it, because it is only going to feed the monster! He didn't even discuss this with me (telling SD14). I'm of the camp that the kids have no business knowing how much money the parents have, because it creates spoiled brats if they know. I am so mad he told her without consulting me! Not to mention, now she is going around here like she is even more of a princess, believing daddy will be rich soon...something that isn't going to happen because it is a scam!
Yes! I cannot stand the fact
Yes! I cannot stand the fact that after she breaks the rules and does whatever the hell she wants there are no consequences!!!! SO WHY WOULDN'T SHE CONTINUE TO BREAK THE RULES???? UGHHHHH.
I totally agree there is no reason that a 14 year old should be a financial confidant...come on, where are the boundaries?
UGH!! Indeed! And like I
UGH!! Indeed! And like I said, I just wanted to puke as I was sitting there listening to DH telling SD14 he trusted her with money issues because she wasn't a spoiled brat like her cousin! I guess he never notices on shopping trips that SD14 thinks she always has to get something...and not just something, but whatever she picks up off the rack! I'll show up to the dressing room with 1-2 items, and she is there with 10, and when I tell her that I'm not there to buy her anything, she gets all butt hurt! Excuse me...I work and make my own money! There is nothing that dictates that just because you walked into a store with me, I'm going to buy you something! If she is at the grocery store with me, and I happen to need to pick up a nail polish, oh, well she HAS to have one, too. But that's right...DH doesn't like shopping, so he makes me take SD14 with me to get her out of the house so he can just sit there in front of his TV...he doesn't see the constant wanting me to buy her things...and he ignores that whenever she goes shopping with anyone else, she always comes back with stuff. He just thinks everyone is being nice, and doesn't realize it is because she asks EVERYONE she ever goes to the store with to buy her things!
Are you freaking kidding me?
Are you freaking kidding me? Mr "You don't treat SD14 the same as your own kids" is such a hypocrite!
So last night, DH and I go to a concert. I can't even have a date night with SD14 at BMs without that little brat invading! DH KNEW that we only had spending budget for merch for two t-shirts and a program...which is our traditional we both get a t-shirt and the program (this was the Trans-Siberian Orchestra performance...a tradition of ours which we have done the entire time we've been married). They have a really cool ladies shirt this year, which I say I'm getting. DH responds I should get one for SD14. I remind him of the budget. He says, "Well, I won't get a shirt" and asks for the same shirt from the clerk for SD14! Problems here: 1) BS19 didn't get anything...luckily he isn't a materialistic brat! I'll get ribbed about it, but he won't be totally butt hurt...but it does go against the "treat them the same" thing that DH is always trying to spew to me! 2) I DON'T WANT SD14 TO EVER WEAR THE SHIRT AT THE SAME TIME AS ME...but if she is in one of her "butter up" phases, she will, and I will be sickened the entire time (she has a sweater that I have, and does the same thing with that sweater). 3) SD14 does not deserve any other gifts! Trust me...she has gotten plenty already this holiday. I don't know how, but she got her aunt and uncle to buy her as much as they bought their own kids (she did go shopping with them Sat-Tues when she was with them). And at BM's? Yeah, that same "friend" of her mom's that has been living with them and bought SD14 all the expensive school clothes, BM probably got him to buy her all kinds expensive presents. Oh, but BM doesn't want to have to pay any kind of child support because she doesn't work.
Can't I have just one night with my husband without him bringing up the princess? Our vacation is in a few weeks, and I swear, I'm going to scream if he starts going off that we need to buy this and that for SD14!!! She gets ONE LITTLE souvenir like the other kids, that is it! I'm tired of getting told I have to treat her like I treat my kids, yet DH lavishes her in gifts and things that he does not do with the other kids. Adults or not...he didn't do it when they were younger (and because he adopted them, legally they are his kids), and he doesn't do it now. Why does SD14 get special treatment if he is supposedly so against it?
BM called DH today to ask if
BM called DH today to ask if we had a copy of SD14's birth certificate so sd14 could get her belly button pierced! Thank god DH told BM no way....but I have this suspicion, before the week is over, BM will find a birth certificate, SD14 will get it done anyway, and hide it from DH...like everything else! How does BM think it is even appropriate for a 14 year old girl to get her belly button pierced?!? She shouldn't be showing her mid-drift in public at her age anyway, so what is the point?
Of course, SD14 is probably all dejected now because she was told no. And knowing her, as with any other no, she will find a way.
Another "bright" idea! BM
Another "bright" idea! BM call's DH and wants him to lie to her ex SIL so that SD14 can hang out with her 18 year old female cousin! Little background...BM's brother and this woman divorced before DH was even in the picture. The woman disappeared with the child because she didn't want anyone in BM's family near the child. About 3 years ago, the she snuck behind her mother's back and started hanging out with BM's family...this is how SD14 knows this cousin. They have been texting ever since.
Now, DH says he will not lie to the woman, but he is actually considering letting SD14 hang out with this cousin he knows nothing about! No doubtably this girl has a car. Seems strange this is coming right after the boyfriend we didn't know about came to light, that DH is doing nothing about though he forbade her to have a boyfriend at her age. Yeah, let's just give her an easy way, an excuse to use, to enable her to be alone with the guy...or should I say outside of parental supervision of any kind!
Oh...it just keeps on... BM
Oh...it just keeps on...
BM texts DH just moments ago asking if he knew that SD14 was dating some junior at her high school. Wait a minute, I thought she was dating the guy she has a New Years date with? Hmmmm...supposedly dating some junior at her high school, all the sudden excuses to stay after school...might I be right in my suspicions? Someone better get this girl on bc quick, because I'm not taking care of any babies! DH needs to wake the hell up, and realize he has been being way too trusting!
Remember...DH flat out asked SD14 last week if she had a boyfriend. Guess she kinda told the truth when she said no...I mean, doesn't sound like she has A boyfriend, but the more precise question would be how many guys is she stringing along, as I'm sure NYC boy thinks he's her boyfriend, too!