What brings me to this forum
My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and dated for about 3 before that. When we first started dating, his sons were 11 and 13 (they are now 16 and 18). The oldest was slower to warm up but they came around and we honestly had a great relationship for the time we dated and the beginning of our marriage. I was around them a lot and also worked in their schools. I am very dedicated to them, going to all their sporting events, taking them shopping, spoiling them on their birthdays and Christmas, etc. We had a great time joking around and having inside jokes. My husband was really impressed with how well we were all getting along because he had a horrible time with his previous relationship and ultimately the boys were the reason they broke up.
Things have taken a turn for the worst in the last few months. We decided that we were going to have a child. I have never been married before and have no children. I have focused a great deal on building my career and this was something I wanted for myself. We were apprehensive to tell them about it when I found out I was pregnant. We waited till the end of the first trimester which was really hard because I was so sick. It was really hard to pretend there was nothing up and try to keep up the same caliber of activities and things I do around the house. When we finally told them it was a relief at first then it became a nightmare. They did NOT take it well. I prepared myself for that to happen but we really expected the majority of issues to be with the youngest. We were surprised when it was the older son who was taking it much harder. He began to give us the silent treatment and refuse to look either of us in the eye. Our dinners became awkward torture experiences where everyone walks on eggshells. The kid who never spent any time in his room began to spend every minute there when he wasn't at school, showering, or eating. We thought, well we just need to give him some time. It's been several months and my husband has blown up on him on numerous occasions for being so disrespectful. At first we tried talking to him and treating him extra well to show him that we still care about him. When he was talked to and asked what specifically bothers him his response was "I wanted to move in that extra room," "I'm going to look stupid now at family gatherings," "I will look stupid now when I have kids," etc etc. The crazy thing is that he starts college in the fall and will likely not be spending a great deal of time at home. It makes no sense to me. Recently he told his dad, "I don't understand why you can't just be happy, I let you get married this time." My husband said he almost lost it. I LET YOU GET MARRIED! OMG... His phone was taken away for that comment but his mom has recently asked my husband when he will be giving it back because she will buy him a new one since she is "worried about him out driving without one." (pretty sure people have made it for centuries before without a cell phone.)
This kid thinks he is the king of our household and it needs to stop! We have been going to counseling (which we have to cancel half the time due to this kid's school activities. I cringe going to any events anymore and have backed off of going to a lot. He doesn't appreciate anything I do. He expects me to do all his laundry and sports uniforms. I have backed off doing all that for him as well. My husband doesn't understand why it upsets me that I am getting angry doing an 18 year old's laundry. My husband gives them 100 dollars a week and they both have 2 vehicles. CAN YOU SAY SPOILED ROTTEN!?
I am a counselor myself and all of this is just weighing on me. I have this fear that my child and I will be prisoners in that home with his adult children calling all the shots. My husband is very supportive but doesn't have a clue as to what to do with him either.
Any words of advise or comfort are greatly appreciated <3
Give the SS time to adjust.
Give the SS time to adjust. He's going off to school this fall and will get busy building his adult life and expanding his wings. Currently he's been the spoiled brat and he's afraid of being replaced by a wee one. Besides that because he is 18 this could be a bit of an embarrassment to him. He thinks of his father as an old fart (all older teens think their parent/s are older than dirt)
You should not be doing laundry and these type of house chores for a 16 and 18yr old. His sports uniform? He's quite capable of preparing that for himself. In fact who will be doing his laundry when he leaves this fall?
I hope this SS changes his tune once he discovers the baby won't be a genuine threat. Dad's don't stop loving one child just because he have more children. Dad didn't stop loving (or spoiling SS18) when SS16 was born. The one thing that will be a major adjustment for both kids though is that a baby will put a change on the household budget, there will likely be a bit less spoiler the older kids free cash. That should be expected by especially the oldest one to begin with...he's 18. It's time Dad start to ease up and all the handouts whether there was a baby coming or not.
My DH was 50 when we had our last child (I 40 then). Lol, I don't think our oldest children even realized we still had sex.
All my Skids and even my
All my Skids and even my older son were pretty weirded out when they found out I was pregnant. I think when he meets his little brother or sister things will change. Everyone loves a baby! But in the meantime I would definitely let him know that the disrespect in unacceptable. And STOP DOING HIS LAUNDRY!!! lol I made my skids and bios start doing their own laundry around age 8 for my own sanity and so they can learn to be responsible for themselves. If your husband doesn't like it tell him to do the laundry himself...bet he won't have a problem then!
Thank you everyone. It's
Thank you everyone. It's comforting to know other people have been through similar situations.
My father had a younger
My father had a younger brother who was 18 years his junior. His birth caused my father a lot of grief back in the day. As he put it, "I went off to college, and my mom went off to the hospital to give birth" ( my uncle was born in early September). And that was his BIO brother! So i would say, some of it is just about being a teen and hyper self-conscious about things related to sex. He might warm up to the baby... or to the toddler once he is a little older. My father loved his brother all his life, more than his sisters.
So i would not worry too much about his reaction right now. Let your DH handle that. I would imagine it is offensive to you. But it is likely NOT about you.
I'm several centuries old and
I'm several centuries old and you're right back in ancient time we got along quite well without cell phones, $400 a month allowances ($2.50) and cars (0). Did you say TWO EACH. I know its a different world but that's frankly ridiculous.
I would say spoiled is a huge understatement.
You've heard the name Rockefeller I'm sure, a true Tycoon in the early 1900's. Mansion and all that. A friend of his child asked to borrow a dollar and the kids response was "Who do you think I am Rockefeller"? A common saying in that day to indicate one didn't have a lot (or any) money.
He may have lived in a mansion but he had not one thing more than the average kid in his day and age had because his Dad didn't want him to grow up spoiled. And it worked. He raised his kids the same way and today although the wealth is spread the Rockefeller's are still engaged in philanthropic organizations to this day.
I agree. My husband and I
I agree. My husband and I have very different ideas about what a child should be entitled to. They bothe have two cars: one classic car each and an everyday car each. I find it absurd as well and have made it known.
You actually took a cell
You actually took a cell phone away from an 18yo for expressing his thoughts and feelings regarding being 18 years older than his soon to arrive sibling? Really?
Not something I would expect to even enter the mind of confident adults particularly one who is a professional counselor.
My own SS was adamant that his mom and I not have any kids together. He very much enjoyed being an only child in our home particularly when juxtaposed against his experiences at the Sperm Idiot's where he is the eldest of 4 out-of-wedlock sperm idiot spawn by 3 different baby mamas.
His wishes of course were irrelevant regarding his mom and I having more children. We did not have more children, not because SS did not want sibs in our family but because my bride could not safely have any more children.
Obviously your SS-18 is not behaving in an appropriate or mature manner on this issue but punishing him for his feelings or opinions makes no sense to me what so ever.
Rather than trying to punish him in to a better attitude it would be better for your DH to tell him that though his feelings are understandable his behavior is disappointing and that if he can't interface with the rest of the family respectfully then he is 18 and he can leave any time he chooses.
Congratulations on the baby. I am sure that once the baby arrives and everyone settles down and adjusts to the new situation that the family will reconnect and the baby will ultimately be a blessing and binding element for the two older boys, you and your DH.
IMHO of course.
It was my husbands decision
It was my husbands decision to take the phone that we pay for for an 18 year old. Maybe if he enjoys having adult luxuries, he can pay for them himself. That's how I feel. He was also texting throughout entire meals. We take mealtime serious and respect each other during that time. He now has his phone back and is acting no different so what exactly do you suggest? My husband told him he can go live at his moms if he is unhappy here. That's a tricky thing to tell an adolescent since they will interpret it as "I am being kicked out." We don't have all the answers. Maybe you do.
Unfortunately he's 18 but
Unfortunately he's 18 but mentally still an adolescent. I see it a lot. I work with kids I would still consider adolescents that are 21. But yeah I know what you mean
Tiffany, Nope, I am far from
Tiffany,
Nope, I am far from having all of the answers. The texting at the table during meals is new info. We require our 21yo kid to keep his phone in his pocket at meal time with the family. Even though he is out on his own and pays his own phone bill we require polite behavior from him when we are together of he can have dinner with someone else. He knows it and usually complies by keeping his phone in his pocket. Now when he visits my parents ..... my mom takes his phone and the phone of my brother's three kids when they walk in the door.
I agree with Ditz. This is not an adolescent, this is an 18yo legal adult but if he is under your roof, or not, as parents you and your DH as well as BM can require him to behave respectfully.
The challenge is balancing parenting with giving him room to be a young adult. If you figure out how to do that well, let me an everyone else know. That may be one of the most difficult things to do as a parent when you kids are on the edge of launching but still on your dime.
Good luck.
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