Step mom steps down!!!
Hello everybody 
I might get my butt chewed for posting this but if it can help even one person, its worth it! When I first came here, I was a complete wreck. Still am at times but its no longer consuming my marriage... Having step kids & trying to be a loving step mom that is.
When I first met my DH, I knew he was the man of my dreams. He had two kids & suffered with depression. His roommate was a control freak who wanted the kids out of the picture to say the least. I steeped in the picture & we got this roommate of his to move out. I helped my bf of the time deal with his depression & took on responsibility of his kids when they were over. At that time, it seemed to be working in the best interest for everybody.
Well the kids became teenagers - yikes!!!
Their dad & I married, his teenagers fell behind in school living with their BM so we had them move in with us, SS made a good turn around, SD's true colors showed..never before had I seen someone with so much hate inside & out, & all went downhill quick. SD wants me out of her dads life so things can go back to the way it was just with her & her father. Sadly SD does not yet understand just how depressed her father was back then & that's why he let the kids do whatever they wanted to. It was the roommate guy that controlled the kids & their dad felt to guilty to put his own foot down with any of them.
So I ran the household as best as I could. My SD drove me mad & its how I ended up coming here for advice, input, venting, etc. I believe that Skids can be tough but once they become teenagers, you learn quick what tough is really about. Our marriage became shaky.
Getting to the point, we had the Skids with us on their last week before they started up school again. Talk about being tested! DH & I are a match made in heaven but add my SD, we change. I decided that I can't do it anymore. How can you put your all into another & all they do is treat you like s*** in return?
I went to my mom for help. She kicked my butt needless to say. She has been trying to correct me for some time now yet I didn't listen. I hate being corrected when I feel like I'm trying to do the right thing. Only this time, I went to her for help so she had the upper hand. My marriage was the only thing I felt I had a chance with at that point.
Here is what my mom had to say & yes she was a step parent back in her day too. I'm being a control freak, I'm not letting my DH parent his own kids anymore, that is stepping on his toes, who died & left me in charge, my DH & step kids feels resentment towards me cause I'm being too controlling, if I keep it up..I'm going to lose everybody, my DH is responsible for his own, & I need to focus on being just a wife that I am. She continued to explained that when I initially entered the picture, they did need my help & learn how to be a family unit. It's like school, teachers are there to teach the students, students respond to what they learned by taking tests. Students then have to face their responsibility by applying what they were taught. As far as DH, I gave him tools, I gave him confidence where he lacked, & now its my turn to back off & allow my DH to be the teacher.
My mom for the first time in many years really had me thinking. She is right, I do have control issues, I have been selling my DH short, & I haven't been allowing my DH to be the parent that he is. Heck I don't even know how to kick back & enjoy the show - so to speak.
Well its all going to change & it starts with me stepping back. We are going to see the kids next Sunday & I told my DH that he is the parent & I will be his wife. Any decisions will be up to him & I'm going to be there to support him. In return, I do need for him to keep his daughter at arms length from me, which he understands due to the past but how he parents is up to him.
DH & I are feeling at ease with one another at least at this time & he is truly excited to be a dad. I'm excited to go along being the wife I am, see my SS who I have a good bond with, & be kept away from my SD physically speaking. As for now, I am looking forward to regaining my solid marriage.
Good luck. Hope it works.
Good luck. Hope it works. Not easy to step down after you've taken the reigns for so long. I hope it works out well for you all.
I understand where you're coming from cause at times it was me who took control but then DH wanted his control and we butted heads. I gave up and it was a nightmare for me. I was the evil *itch and still am. But now that SD is gone, we're finally getting our marriage back on track! I hope it continues that way for us. SD leaves for boot camp in 2 weeks so that will do her some good to be away from controlling HS and maybe she'll grow up. Just maybe!
Wishing you luck!
Disengaging is best thing we
Disengaging is best thing we can do as Step Parents when the situation is a No Win. It'll still be a No Win but it won't be your problem anymore!
When I disengaged it saved (so far) my marriage and had an unexpected added benefit-DH doesn't harp and try to get SS8 near as much as he used to. He was using me as a sitter without even asking and I was taking on too much responsibility for HIS decisions. So now that getting SS8 means he has to take off work and has to do all the stuff I was doing, he's really quieted down about it and turning Wildebeest (BM) down when she's fishing for or asking for a sitter so she can party.
I’m thinking about disengaging
I think I’m too involved and I feel like the sitter sometimes. I need to take a step back and make my husband parent more. He works so much because of how much he has to pay in CS and to pay bills. So I feel like I’m in a bind. I work too but it’s easier for me to watch the kids sometimes so he can go to work. My head is spinning.
Sometimes the best thing to
Sometimes the best thing to do is disengage.
If I recall correctly, didn't you say once that your SD has Aspergers? I'm sorry if I am wrong. However, I have AS too and I know that can make ordinary SK hurdles more difficult to overcome.
Yes she was diagnosed with
Yes she was diagnosed with that & is in treatment. However there are other issues she is having that do not pertain to Aspergers, we are finding this out as we go.
All I can say is, I am so
All I can say is, I am so inspired by what you wrote. I guess in my crappy role as SM to an awful SD, sometimes it's not about "winning", but finding a way to keep your sanity. My DH totally rocks, but his parenting is not what i would do if they were my kids. and after reading your post, i feel like maybe i need to step back and not try to control things. it's so tough and i've fought so many battles and cried A LOT. but thank you for posting. i send you love and hugs. i wish all of us could find happiness in this weird stepparent role we all have.
Good for you, I hope it
Good for you, I hope it works. I tried that too, but my husband doesn't parent that is also the problem. And my ss lives here and does nothing but wathc tv and play ps3..any chores he is asked to do is done in 50% poor quality..hope and pray we all can save our marriages...
I am so glad I found this
I am so glad I found this forum. I have been with my husband 10 years and married 8 of them. He has 3 children that I've been raising since we married. Thier mother passed when they were quite young and they never had any counseling for their grief. They are now SD 21, SS 18 and SD 16. Suffice it to say that they are a nightmare. Spoiled rotten and with a sense of entitlement. They are disrespectful and lazy to boot. The years after they lost their mom their father shut down and went through a terrible depression---so no one dared discipline those poor angels. I've been through hell and back with the oldest until she graduated high school. Now I pray nightly for the 18 SS to move out since he has already graduated. He works part time at a retail store (folding clothes) and takes 2 classes at community college. the rest of his time is spent eating all day and playing video games. He sleeps in a bed with all his dirty clothing piled on top. He room is littered with empty soda cans and food wrappers. I've tried repeatedly to discipline these kids and nothing ever changes. (and Daddy dearest is always a phone call away for them to report how mean I am. His reply is always to let it go and coddle them like he always has in the past.) I've tried being nice, and also tried being firm. nothing works. I think you guys have it nailed----i need to disengage. Let him deal with them and if he fails---it will be his failure not mine. It would be nice to have his support once in a while. Especially in light of the fact that he has had major issues with each one of these nightmare kids and has vented to me repeatedly. (to the point that he feels like he is ready to have a heart attack) so he obviously knows there is something wrong with them. But I guess I am expected to just "let it go" and not let it bother me. So I am going to try very hard to let it go and them go for my own sanity. This too shall pass. (or God willing they will move out and I can enjoy my home and my life again.) The SD 16 showers once a week or so and never brushes her teeth but I'm not allowed to say anything about that either......but of course my pay will also go toward braces for her rotten crooked teeth. Something is just really wrong with this picture.
i just found 2 good websites
i just found 2 good websites that might be helpful for those of us that are at our wit's end dealing with our stepshits. i agree with the advice in the articles that it takes practice. i'm going on about 2 days. maybe i'll re-post in a month to let you know how things are going....
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
http://www.themystic.org/print/skills.htm
i truly feel bad for everybody's circumstances and having to deal with not only the stress of being an adult, but being in a stepparent role where we are at times powerless to change our circumstances. i love my husband so very much. but until SD17 moves out, i'm just hanging on by a thread here.
This is my first post, I'm an
This is my first post, I'm an introvert, and I'm not comfy airing my dirty laundry, but I need to vent! I found this site months ago and have been lurking. It is validating to know I'm not alone.
Elle94, thank you for the links above regarding detaching. I'm working on disengaging now. I am in a similar situation where I am suddenly the full time stepmom of 2 teenagers. Their mother is on the other side of the country and lost custody of one in October, the other last month. I am now the "mother", and since the loss of my husband's job, the sole income provider. Last year I was single and doing my own thing and living the good life - this year, I support a family of four (which I cannot afford). Though I opened my home, give my money, love and support, I am still the outsider. I'm still the one who hasn't had kids (and never wanted them), so I apparently know nothing and DH knows everything. My DH and I had an amazing relationship before the kids. Since the kids, it has all changed. My DH wants me to parent on his terms even though the kids are destroying my home. I'm not allowed to say anything because they have "been through enough". Yet he can yell at them when he wants, and coddle them when he wants, and not doing anything when he wants. It is all based on his mood and there is zero consistency. (DH has ADD too) I'm now to a point where I go to the bedroom after work to do my own thing. I try to hold on to the fact that this will only be for a few years and that I can do it, but I have a lot of guilt and feel an obligation to these kids - but I do sometimes regret getting married (only since April). I'm sure many of you will say "why did you marry someone with kids?" I'm wondering that too, but my DH is a man I worked with 16 years ago in another state. We got back in touch last year coincidentally and really hit it off. I knew he had kids, but who knew that in 6 months, we would have custody. I don't mind being a part-time mom, but we have them all of the time, with no breaks. I moved walking distance to my office last year. Now, to accommodate a larger place that we can afford using only my income, I will be commuting 25 miles each way again (in Los Angeles, which means 1-2 hour one way commute). I feel I have sacrificed everything and they all hit the jackpot. I know it sounds selfish, but that is the life I chose and that my husband and I had together before the loss of his job and the acquiring custody of his kids. To top it off, DH is still obligated for child support until the ex fulfills her obligation to have it stopped, which she hasn't done. Or until we fly across the country to hire an attorney and appear in court, which we cannot afford.
I'm not looking for advice on how to handle my situation. I've talked to my husband, he agrees with me usually to get me to shut up since he has the attention span of a fish. Then I remind him what we talked about and he doesn't remember or he feels I'm nagging. My only solution is to detach. When I tell him this, he gets upset, yet he doesn't have a solution for me except to do what he wants me to do.
If you are to offer any advice to me, it is to help me detach. I don't want to leave and I hope that we can have a fun family, but I can't do it all on someone else's terms when I'm the one sacrificing so much. I'm losing my own sense of self and I am resenting all of them. When it is good, it is really good and we all have a great time, but it all changes in an instant when I have an opinion about his kids.
Wow!
The fact that you are still there says a lot to your husband. You have made it this far, then you can do it! I do believe in house rules, chores, and punishment. If you and your husband want the best for yourselves and the children, then you both need to set rules for the children and stick with them. This means your husband. No excuses, because the children will manipulate and run all over you both if you don’t stick with rules. It is a firm family foundation to have scheduling and routine. Think as if you were both teachers, which parenting is teaching and modeling for the students/children. If you need help go to Pinterest for ideas. Also, teenagers need to stay busy or they get into trouble. Sports, after school activities, and jobs are great for teenagers to keep busy and help develop into a young adult with responsibility and goals. Teens come home after school/sports and begin homework, then chores, dinner, free time, and get ready for bed. If problems arise bc they are not doing what they are suppose to do, then you mark it on a discussion board- dry erase board and your SO can handle it that evening. Your hands never get dirty. It’s important to have rules and punishment already decided so there will be no excuses. No xbox for a week if you forget or don’t do your chores. Forget day 2, no tv! Talk back, then no going to friends house or birthday parties all week. Get your husband on board and post a chart for everyone in the house to see. Yes, this is normal. This will strengthen the family. I promise! But your husband can’t be lenient or he will have a future storm of teenage problems. Dad’s must be tough sometimes. That is one of their roles as being a dad.