Same Crap, Different Day
When I came home last night and saw that SD15's mess was still everywhere even with me pointing it out to DH before leaving the house AND our discussion about much of the SAME mess the night before (SD15 just added to it yesterday morning), I have to say, I had a little bit of a b***h fit! This caused DH to start cleaning up the mess himself, which made me even more upset! I told him I can't see how it is so difficult for SD15 to simply pick up after herself! He tries to lay the "she's only 15" crap on me again! Come on...I seriously thought that DH was more intelligent that that! I told him, "You are right in that she is 15, but at 15 she should be able to clean up after herself!!! At 15 I had to do all the dishes for the entire family and clean the entire kitchen every night! It isn't like we are doing that...like we are asking her to clean up OUR mess...she is only being able to clean up her own mess!!!" I reiterated that I was NOT her maid, and that I was tired of having to wipe down counters in my own kitchen before being able to prepare any kind of food because they are so disgusting with SD15's mess!
This morning, there is no jelly, but there are crumbs all over the counter. Her peanut butter knife actually made it into the dishwasher this time, but she did not rinse it...which means after the dishwasher is run, there will still be gross, crusted on peanut butter on the knife. I'm not taking it out and rinsing it! I have half a mind after I run the dishwasher again to take all the knives out of the drawer, and leave that one still dirty knife in there...see if she even gripes about it. SD15 has been told plenty of times that things needs to be fully rinsed before going into our dishwasher as the dishwasher will not take off caked on crud (my dishwasher is quite the joke...but it works well at degreasing the dishes and sanitizing them).
"She's only 15"..."she's only 15"...I think if I hear that one more time I'm going to scream!!! It's called laziness!!! It's called thinking she is royalty in this house, and the rest of us are supposed to bow down to her! "Oh...I don't have to do it. SM will eventually get tired of the mess and do it herself." Oh really? Yeah, I don't like a messy house, and I'm not about to have roaches and other pests. I still have my ways of making her life miserable, and it is kicking in full swing! Just wait until dear daddy realizes SD15 actually is the one creating all the messes in the house (as she regularly blames dishes that have been sitting for days on BS19, when I know and remember that SHE used that dish days before).
I wish I could just leave it
I wish I could just leave it all. Part of the problem is that I'm a health and fitness nut. What that means is that I do a lot of my own food prep, because I don't like processed crap. So basically, my kitchen is my domain, so to speak. SD15 pulls part of this crap in the morning when she is fixing her sack lunch for band practice, so DH isn't around to clean it up after her. Lunch time comes around, and I want to prepare myself something healthy and yummy...oh, look, I have a disgusting mess to clean up on my food prep surface before I can even start!
The other problem is smells...I'm really sensitive to smells! So if dishes are left in the sink with water in them for days, they start developing the smell of vomit...UGH!
I was actually pretty shocked there wasn't any food in the trash today from dinner last night. I did make bacon-wrapped chicken, and there is no way that DH would let SD15 waste anything that involved bacon! I'm pretty sure SD15 took her standard 3 bites, and DH finished the rest of her dinner for her!
His actions of him cleaning
His actions of him cleaning up after tells me he knows she's wrong. He just doesn't sweat the small stuff ~ which in fact is just the tip of the iceberg. 15 year old kids are either in tune to the messes they create or they aren't. Kids are oblivious but you gotta teach them. They don't know if you don't point things out to them. They don't realize that after you make a PBJ there might be bread crumbs on the counter ~ so after you make the PBJ wipe the counter WASH the darn peanut butter encrusted knife. A clean kitchen is a happy kitchen ~ simple rule I learned in culinary school. It's just common curtesy. Nothing more ~ nothing less.
She's isn't 5 ~ plus at 5 aren't we teaching children to clean up their toys. It's a lesson in life. Everything has a place ~ it's not that difficult.
I tell my kids all the time ~ please make it look like you were never where you were never doing whatever you were doing and I wouldn't have a problem. Act like a ninja in the dark.
"please make it look like you
"please make it look like you were never where you were never doing whatever you were doing and I wouldn't have a problem"
Exactly!! SD15 has been told many, many, many times, when she leaves a room that is in a public area of the house, it should look like she wasn't there! In other words, leave things as you find them!
And you are right...common courtesy, as well as avoiding nasty bacteria and stuff from growing in one's kitchen! It's a health thing! You leave food on counters and such (especially something like jelly which should be sealed air tight or refrigerated), and it becomes a breeding ground for nasties you cannot see with the naked eye! They also tend to attract unwanted pests...roaches, ants, mice. NO THANK YOU!
SD15 wasn't being taught to clean up after herself when she was 5! She wasn't being taught when she was 10! It wasn't until the last few years that she has even been made to clean her own room! At BM's, BM would always pick it up for her, or just allow it to stay a wreck if she was too lazy to do it. At our house, SD15 would cry that it was too much work, so what would DH do? Call in the reinforcements. Yes, he used to call in his mom and his sister to help SD15 clean up her room (because I thought it was completely absurd to have to help a 12-year-old clean her room because she was overwhelmed by the mess she made).
My bio kids were always made to do chores. We moved to the "everyone cleans up after themselves" way of doing things when SD15 moved in the first time, because I didn't think it was fair for BS19 to clean up after SD15 (i.e., do her dishes, vacuum after she tracked mud in, etc), and SD15 not be required to do any chores! I also knew that SD15 wouldn't do regular chores in a million years, because she was never even made to clean after herself. She still throws a fit about having to do her own laundry (I've never done her laundry...she used to have to bring whatever she was wearing for visits and I was sure to send all those dirty clothes back to BMs...and when we started having clothing for her at our house, she was about 9, and I made her do her own clothing).
Google "age appropriate
Google "age appropriate chores for children" and print that list out. It will show that she should have been having certain chores since a LONG time before she was 15!
this is where i dont get
this is where i dont get disengagement.
yes, you want to not pick up after these morons, but when their mess and actions AFFECT YOUR LIFE AND HOME, what is one to do?
mercifully my SD spends little time with us and my fiance is more of a neat freak than even i am so he is happy to constantly clean up after her. she's only 13 you know!!
Only problem here if I put
Only problem here if I put the dishes in SD15's room? She still will not clean! Her room is a total sty. And when she runs out of the plastic bowls, plates and cups that she is allowed to use, and the silverware she is allowed to use, she will start using ours, and I will be back to broken plates and bowls, and missing pieces of flatware. Yes, that is how it started! SD15 tends to slam things around, so she is relegated to the plastic dishes. We've had a few broken bowls and plates because she was having an attitude and decided to slam her dishes in the sink! As for the flatware...I can't say 100% what happened to the missing pieces, but we are on our 4th set! So, all the bits and pieces from the other 3 sets are in a drawer by themselves, and SD15 is ONLY allowed to use this flatware. I even have to count our stuff as I put it away to make sure there is still 8 of each thing. I know the other stuff has ended up in the trash in the past, because I have found pieces in there at various times. SD15 has claimed over the years that she has NEVER thrown away dishes or flatware, but I have watched her do it and had to go back behind her and fish it out of the trash!
Yeah...pretty crazy I know! Most people can get making a young child use special plates and stuff, but yes, we still have to do it at age 15 with this girl! But the other stuff? Yeah, it is going to start disappearing!
Was also thinking I need to get the cooler out. I was hoping that BS19 would eat all of his "quick before work" food before he left, because I flat out refuse to let SD15 have it if it is still here at the end of the week. Think I'm going to put it in a cooler so he can take it with him...a few Hot Pockets and burritos. He's taking his mini fridge, so he can put them in the freezer in that when he gets there. I'm sure he or his roommate will eat it before the first two weeks of school or over...study food.
i feel your pain. according
i feel your pain. according to DH, I couldn't expect SS (now 13) to remember to take off his shoes when he entered the house when he was 8. meanwhile, our preschooler and toddler both remember!
cold comfort, but know you're not alone.
Disengaging does not mean
Disengaging does not mean that you cannot have personal boundaries.
And sometimes you have to enforce those boundaries in some way.
If the problem is sd leaving clutter in common areas- first address it directly to dh "I need sd's clutter to be cleaned up before I return home in the evenings"
DH gets to choose how that is accomplished. If he does that by enforcing rules/consequences for sd. Great, she is learning valuable lessons. If he does it by cleaning up after her, shrug. His kid, his problem.
Can't~ This sounds like my
Can't~
This sounds like my SD19. You want a clean home, you want things left the way you found them.....it just doesn't work with these lazy skids. They think it doesn't matter and Disney DH doesn't sweat it, but us females usually DO. I was food safety certified a few times and I came downstairs this morning to the smell of salmon from last night. DH didn't wash all of the salmon crud off of a big knife that was in the dish drainer, air drying! The entire kitchen had a stink to it but the damn knife "went through the motions" when DH cleaned it, and still it didn't get cleaned properly! I stuck it in the dishwasher, started the damn thing and texted DH to make sure the dishwasher got emptied.
My utensils get crusty in the summertime. When SD19 is home from college. Now SDstb13 isn't cleaning as well after herself, either. Chocolate fudge left on the underside of a spoon, peanut butter, salmon....it all gets stuck on utensils and I put the damn washer on "Pot Scrubber." It's still on there. I have 5 dogs and if "I" can't lick my fork clean, you'd better believe there are always eager pups around to help, lol. They get every last bit. Better than a Skid does!
Now when I help to set the table, I inspect the utensils and if one has crud on it, I make sure to place it down for one of the Skids.
My SD19 thinks she is royalty, too. Polly Prissy Pants to the Nth degree. If I tried to have a simple conversation with her about shared areas, she would bite my fucking head off. DH thinks she is just fine. My Skids haven't gone to therapy for the death of their BM to cancer last year. SDstb13 has never shed a tear over the loss of her mother. SD19 regresses and acts 11 and pouts when the royalty thing doesn't work for her. SD19 is a beast if you try to enforce a rule or even show her how something is to be done. So then I have my problem with DH because he won't follow through and give her consequences, he just let's it go. I'd like to turn her phone off and take her laptop and car keys but you would see a nuclear explosion on the East Coast if I tried to do that!
I can't win. And she's 19, dammit, 19 years old. GROW UP...
...and then move the hell outta MY house. You do nothing to contribute so don't even call it yours. }:) OK, that felt good. Thanks for the vent.
~ Moon
UGH! It is so frustrating! If
UGH! It is so frustrating! If DH is still pulling "She's only..." when SD15 is 18, 19, 20, 21...that's it! I'm out! "She's only 21!" Yeah, and when I was 21, I was raising my first child, working full time as a legal secretary (and anyone who has held that job knows you have to pay attention to detail), AND was going to school part time to get my degree! SHE'S ONLY?
Seriously, we are dumbing down our society big time by allowing this to be an excuse! These people are never going to be productive adults at this rate, because they are never expected to be responsible for themselves, push themselves, etc. Sad thing is, these people that keep using the "she's only" and "he's only" excuses know good and well more was expected from them at the same age! Too much for me to expect that a 15-year-old girl should be getting herself out of bed and ready for school in time for the bus? Too much for me to expect that a 15-year-old girl can clean up after herself? Too much to expect that a 15-year-old girl should know what is required of her (i.e., homework assignments, keep track of practice times, etc.)? I'm not expecting any more from her than was expected of me when I was a 15-year-old girl! I not only cleaned up after myself, I had regular chores I had to keep on top of! I also had a regular afternoon babysitting job which required me to actually take care of someone else every day (i.e., help the kid with homework, make them their after-school snack, keep track of them). I had my own homework to keep track of (and I was in advanced classes, unlike SD15). I was also required to keep my personal spaces clean...my room and the bathroom I used...did my own laundry, and bought most of my own product (parents only gave me essentials...shampoo, soap, toothpaste, deodorant, kotex, toilet paper...if I wanted anything different from that or in addition to that, I bought it with that money made from babysitting). Mom and dad weren't going to make a special trip to the store so I could buy my makeup and stuff, so I had to remember when they were going on their regular shopping to go with and buy what I "needed".
Oh, and I forgot to add...I didn't have all these fancy little gadgets to help me remember all I had to do and get it done! I didn't have basically a pocket computer for me to put my schedule in to send me reminders, or the notepad app to jot down things I needed to remember. Nope, I had to keep a notebook, or just remember! Funny how these teens can use all these wonderful apps to communicate with each other, send boob selfies, etc. but they can't figure out how to set reminders or alarms on their stinkin' devices!
Twizz and Can't~ I agree with
Twizz and Can't~
I agree with you both. Twizz, it's a matter of time before I really blow my fuse at SD19. Only 20 more days until she moves back to college. I'm avoiding expecting anything from her and I have started throwing out her things that she leaves laying around. Next year I'm going to make sure she starts paying for her cell phone, and for summer online classes. I keep reminding DH that she's 19 and he is finally coming around. SD19 acts like such a bitch and when that doesn't work she throws a tantrum. I get so upset when she talks down to me. When she was 14 and over for the weekend, she made a snotty remark to DH. I called her a BITCH right to her face. You should have seen the horror and shock. I was so mad for her disrespecting her father!! BM alive at the time said SD19 probably deserved it. DH went to console his crying princess.
I get so angry at the disrespect. I need to learn to keep it short and simple. "Watch your attitude or your phone will be turned off".... to which she would reply, "Go ahead! I don't care!" I guess I'm too scared to go down this road with her because she needs to be in a padded room. DH refuses to believe it, but doesn't put up with as much crap as he used to from her. We all walk on eggshells aound her. She's a time bomb who could reset and go off every day. Makes my stomach hurt.
~ Moon
The attitude seems to be
The attitude seems to be linked to their sense of entitlement. All their lives, they got what they wanted, and if they didn't, they had a fit until they did! My bios were never allowed to be that way! No meant no! No didn't mean negotiate. No didn't mean I had to explain to you about how much money was in my bank account. No didn't mean I had to promise you anything. No was no! And if my bios tried to throw a fit about it, there would be consequences! They learned early that I would not hesitate to walk away from a shopping cart, and if it got to that point, they were surely not going to have a good day, if you know what I mean!
The Skids still have DH
The Skids still have DH fending for them. He feels a lot of guilt because their BM died. I need to have a big sit down with him and give HIM some ultimatums.
~ Moon