it's been a year and he still...........
So I need some advice. I just am about to come undone and be done with my fiance and the clearly laid BS that I have been enduring for some time now. I have been engaged to a man with a SD and SS for a year now. I have not been able to share the we are "engaged" part with anybody due to his tiptoe'n around his daughter. He has been living with me for a year but because his kids live with his EX 6 hours away they don't know that he has moved in. When they come visit he goes someplace else to stay. I guess right now I am just at my wit's end with it all. Wondering if he is regretful that he asked me to marry him? And how many excuses can one man have for not telling family/friends/HISkids that we are engaged? And how long am I too continue packing up his things for when they come down so he can take them else where? Let me say that the boys in our blended family are good with everything. It is only the SD. And on an off note..... I am sick and tired of his EX calling every single time she "needs" something... like help with her parents or extra money for gas. SERIOUSLY? He gives them almost all of his check (and i'm good with him paying, as I don't get anything from my Baby daddy) but she lives with a man and has for 3 years. HE works, he is her other half now. So why the calls 24-7 of can you go put $20 in the bank so I can fill up my car, cuz I had to borrow money from Jack (i'll call her live in that). Seriously? You have been in a relationship for 3 year and you have to "borrow" money from your significant other for daily things, and then you call your EX husband to pay the guy back? And what is this crap of having the kids call to make sure the CS is in the bank? Really having your 10 year old call to check that is insane if you ask me. Why would you put your child in the middle like that? He has never one time missed his $1000 a month CS payment.
Before I get a bunch of angry ex-wives on me about the CS thing let me clarify a few things. I am an ex wife. And I could write a novel regarding ex husbands.... I AM not against taking care of your children, and I would never expect him to not take care of them. Guess i just don't understand all the calls in the middle regarding can you put an extra $20 or $10 or $5 in my bank account for this or for that.....
Ok so the original reason I am posting. The SD. I'm not sure how much more I can take of me being labeled by her, degraded by her AND by my fiance. I think he is showing her how to disrespect me, my feelings and my family or should I say the family WE are trying to establish??? When they come here I rarely here from my fiance. And when I am around them the SD has stated that it is not appropriate for me to show any affection towards him. As her mom and Jack don't do that. And they don't say I love you either. My kids are starting to get resentful, and angry at the situation. AS they live a completely different life then what his do when it comes to me and him. They are confused and conflicted and are not understanding why things change as soon as the SKIDS come to visit....
Please do not plaster me with hate responses. I am just merely looking for advice. Reasonable advice. I am at a loss for words on what to do. And what to do regarding the SD not the ex wife as I know I have no control over that one.
The other thing is the SD will put on an "act" that she is accepting of me, as if she is trying. But then that's all it is. AS soon as I walk into the room I feel the death stare and hear all the nasty remarks she makes. The little undercuts of how girlfriends are this or that.....
I use to sit at home and cry when they would come, but this time this week I have no tears. I feel defeated. And I feel angry.
He has way to much that he
He has way to much that he cannot handle properly. You are being mixed into it all and expected to put up with it. I don't like SO talking to BM. You can't live with someone for a year and lie about it. It needs to come out. All he is doing is putting SD and BM before you. It will remain this way as long as you allow it. As long as you allow him to treat you bad.
its time to put your foot down if you want change.
"I think he is showing her
"I think he is showing her how to disrespect me, my feelings and my family"
You've hit the nail on the head here. If he doesn't set these boundaries now- they'll never be set. DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL EVERYTHING WITH PARENTING IS AGREED UPON.
And as soon as she DOES get
And as soon as she DOES get outed, then the PAS will begin.
Do yourself a BIG fav dear and RUN LIKE THE WIND!! He's obviously showing you that he's scared shiteless of the BM. Not a good sign. Which means you'll come in DEAD LAST in the marriage.
Take it from all of us. The biodad I live with, big, mean, fear-no-man type is scared shiteless of the BM and it has caused nothing but pain and sorrow (mostly for ME).
I agree, if he doesn't feel
I agree, if he doesn't feel like he is in a position to live with you, then he shouldn't be. He can move.
Thank you. I was beginning to
Thank you. I was beginning to think I'm being unreasonable or something.... not having enough patience etc. But I feel I have shown a lot of patience. And I have had a lot of heartache over this. I feel like it's excuse after excuse. I told him in October that if he had till December to figure things out with their issues and his issue of whatever... and if he packed up and left when they came then I just couldn't be a part of it anymore. Yesterday when he left he knew I was going to be hurt. He knows I am hurt EVERY single time but for some reason I'm suppose to buck up and take one for the team. It's "okay" to hurt me over and over as long as the SD doesn't make a rift while she is here ruining his sons time with him. And his parents and the neighbors and his brothers family. Well so I'm just suppose to keep getting hurt over an over again..... I get upset and he knows I'm upset. Yet he still does it. Showing her it's ok to hurt me showing her its ok to treat me second, third, fourth fifth. I decided today that he can spend the 7 days with strictly his kids, I will not be "visiting" or making a quick hey hows it going stop by to have dinner and then be told to go home. I'm 37 years old and too old for games.
And you are right, I'm not engaged..... And I have felt for some time like "the other woman" but thought maybe I was overreacting a little bit????
The SD called me today asking me when I was going to come over. That she loves me and blah blah blah..... I'm sorry but I wish I could say I felt she was being truthful but I know better. She has stabbed me one too many times for me to believe the "show" she is putting on for people. AND if she loves me so much then WHY can't he tell them we are engaged???? Why am I living on SD time and what she thinks is appropriate? I told her you know I'm just not really sure if I am coming tonight. They already opened all the gifts he and I got them (without me) so what's the point of going over? His family didn't include me and my kids in the gift exchange anyway... to me it's a waste of gas to drive 100 miles (there and back home) to sit for an hour and endure something I don't have to. But I know if I don't go then I will look like the one NOT trying. And then I will be to blame. That she was trying and I was the one who didn't like her or didn't want to be around her or do things with them cause of her.... I have an entire summer FULL of all the activities she made DREADFUL for me, the boys, and my fiance. And I tried like crazy to just keep on working on things. I must say that I am simply exhausted from the patience I am suppose to have. Give, Give and give some more and get used is what I am calling it!
"I told him in October that
"I told him in October that if he had till December to figure things out with their issues and his issue of whatever... and if he packed up and left when they came then I just couldn't be a part of it anymore." ---- And HE chose to go anyways.
You say: "But I know if I don't go then I will look like the one NOT trying. And then I will be to blame." What are you to blame for? You have been trying honey and all along it's been one sided. I know how you feel. When i stopped trying, disengaged, etc ... i felt guilty (and the BF noticed) but i realized that it really didn't matter.
You need to put your foot down hard. When you continue to let him back you are showing him it's ok for him to do it again & again. You need to pack whatever he has left, let him know it's packed and he is not welcome back to your home unless he tells the whole world that you guys are engaged & live together ... in front of you of course. With everyone together for the holidays it's a perfect time
If he makes up an excuse just sweetly say: Your stuff is on my front porch ... I am gonna miss you!
I know this is hard but i understand what you are going through and i got tired of it. I am single now and couldn't be happier!
It is very hard. Because he
It is very hard. Because he is everything I have ever looked for in a man besides this one BIG issue. And I guess this is one BIG issue that if I continue to ignore it will end up making me a very resentful, hateful person. And I am neither of those. I already know the answer to if I set his stuff outside. HE won't ever stand up to his daughter. HE is so afraid of her moods..... ruining his time with his boys that he won't ever say anything. I guess I just need to wake up to reality.... which is very hard because I feel like I'm being selfish.
Oh honey! I used to say the
Oh honey! I used to say the same things. My exBF & I got along great! Our personalities meshed, we had great communication, got along great living together, he treated my BD well & was very sweet. Problem was he was a doormat to his exWife & his kids. He lacked boundaries and i always felt like the other woman. His daughter (13) was like his GF. I understand what you are going thru.
Your man makes up excuses for why he does these things (like mine did) and you make up excuses for him and continue to stay (like i did). After 3 1/2 yrs together ... i left. I didn't realize how much of myself i lost and that i was in a dark cloud while i was with him. It is hard. You know the right decision, but don't want to face it. You are not being selfish ... this is YOUR life and you know what you deserve. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. If he won't stand up to you .... stand up for yourself!
I see you live in Oregon ... so do I
YES!!!!! The daughter "the
YES!!!!! The daughter "the girlfriend" I feel that way too!!!!!!!!! I thought I was going crazy thinking like that.... but seriously when I'm around them I feel like the other woman and it disgusts me! Her getting mad cuz if he lets me "stay over" I sleep with him. When BM didn't do that with her BF for a long time. Yeah whatever. IF SD only knew just how long BM was with that "other" man. But that's besides the point.
SD told me during Thanksgiving that her dad stopped kissing her on her lips when he met me.... I was mortified. Not only did she say this to me BUT it was when I was doing something nice for her. I had taken her to BM mother's house so she could see her grandmother. YES I by myself went to BM mother's house and sat there for 2 hours so SD could see her. Don't get me wrong BM's mom is a nice lady I enjoy her a lot but that's another part of BM that my FIANCE can't seem to shake. The grandmother calls him all the time about BM.. what she is going through etc. I feel like I'm in the middle of the twilight zone with this circle of crap. When my fiance's family has get together's the BM's mom and dad are invited. And if they aren't the SD throws a tantrum about it and why they aren't included, they are family too. I guess I just feel out numbered. And I feel I have given more then any woman would. But then I get on here and so many of us are going through the same thing. And I have yet to read anything about a happy ending...... it's sad
Mini-wife/BM do-over syndrome
Mini-wife/BM do-over syndrome :sick:
At least your fiance stopped
At least your fiance stopped kissing SD on the lips. The exBF still cuddled, coddled, kissed on the lips, held hands with .... even during movies they would be all cuddled up together on the couch & she would lay all over him. They would even feed each other when we were in a restaurant ... yikes! My exBF actually moved in with his ExMIL (BM's mom) when i left him. Haha.
This is your choice. One thing i figured out/learned was that i needed to accept all of this and his flaws & what not - this is who he is -- let things go & be happy. I couldn't do that and i chose to leave. Your fiance has no respect for you, your feelings or your relationship -- you need to figure out if this is how you want to live your life and be happy with it or move on.
Don't make someone a priority
Don't make someone a priority who is only making you an option.