Elle hatemydad's comment was ot inflammatory, you must be feeling pretty miserable I guess, she simply putit out there and you are not in a place yet where you can take it on board the way she meant it.

Look, the truth is, this will never change, and will only get worse, unless YOU change it. You cannot change SD, her grandparents or DH, the only thing you have the power to change here is you and the way you react to all of this.

DH has given you permission to "NOT" suffer in silence - so don't. This girl is 17, not 2 or 3. Yes she is more than likely an immature little piece of work, but she is still 17. So, if she puts it out there, you shove it right back in. Do not accept her crap in your home, put her in her place. If she expects you are the made, make it clear you are not and if she leaves stuff hanging around she can expect to find it outside, and do it. Put whatever she leaves in a plastic bag and put it outside, don't leave it in the pouring rain, I'm not suggesting that, perhaps in the garage or anywhere were she has to put herself out to go and get it back. If she is rude, tell her, I will not be spoken to like that thank you, mind your manners, if she doesn't say please and thank you, tell her when she asks for something, you need to say please, when she gets it, you need to say thank you. If she takes food or anything else that you didn't want her to have, confront her and say, I needed that (whatever) to make (whatever) or for my lunch or (whatever), please do not just help yourself there are three people living here and you need to ask before taking things.

When your husband says you are picking on princess, remind him it was his suggestion that you not suffer in silences. If you sit there and take this, you will find it is going to get a whole lot worse. Your marriage may very well end over it.

Now, to the root of your problem, your DH - time to stand up to him. You have made several sacrifices for him, and he clearly couldn't care less. Time to remind him, yes again, of all you have done and time to tell him, no more. You will do as he suggests, you will not suffer in silence, and if his daughter wants a maid, she can live full time with grandma. Tell him clearly he has no problem with his daughters rudness, but you do, therefore, if he is unwilling or unable to deal with it, YOU from now on will be.

The one thing I can guarantee you is this. The longer you put up with this, the worse it gets. Two things happen. You say nothing, SD get's more and more courage and dumps more and more on you. She does not see you as being kind, or giving her a chance, or as trying to make things work for the sake of her dad, she sees you as you are behaving, like a bloody idiot. Who in their right mind would take this shit. Certainly not her. You of course do, because you love your husband and want your marriage to work - SD and DH do not see it like that. You are behaving like a fool by accepting it, and they are treating you accordingly.

The second thing that has already started to happen and I can read it in your posts, is...........You are losing your confidence, and your self esteem. You feel you have now power in this situation. Your husbands constant refusal to simply tell his daughter "hey, that's enough" has made you feel pretty second class in that family. If you keep putting up with this you will find yourself suffering for 5, 10, 15, 20 years of this, and then you will divorce. One day you will just break.

Why live like this for 20 years only for the marriage to end anyway. You need to take a stand, you need to get your self esteem and your self confidence back, and you need to do it now before SD and DH and his family beat you down to a place where you can never find it again.

No one deserves to be treated like this. So, stop putting up with it, demand the same respect from her you would deman of anyone who came into your home, and if she cannot behave like a decent normal well mannered human being, well, tell her to come back when she can. But before you do any of this, STAND up to your DH and let him know the party is over, and this is what you will do the very next time she opens her mouth or expects you to be her maid. Tell him, when she does it, he will have 10 seconds to respond to her and if he does not, you will, and do it.

This never gets better on its own and the longer nothing gets down the harder it is to fix it. Sometimes the resentment builds up so much that it can never be fixed and eventually you will ban this girl from your home anyway or you will divorce. So YOU have the power to change the situation, YOU need to act, because your husband is NOT going to.

If you are afraid to do anything about it because you may damage your marriage, well you're marriage is already damaged. You see marriage is not about one person getting everything and the other putting up with shit from that person's family. Marriage is about equality and love and respect. None of which you are getting right now from your husband. A husband and wife are supposed to support each other and make each other the best person they can be. Your DH is going to let his daughter wear you down, and his lack of action is showing his daughter that he supports her in what she does, so therefore he is betraying you and letting you down too. He is supporting another woman against you. So, stop worrying about the damage this MAY cause to the marriage, and do something about the damage it has already caused in the marriage.

You deserve to have your husband's support and respect. It is his job to make sure his family including his children respect you. He has failed to do that, so it is up to you to do it yourself, and let him see you are no longer anyone's doormat. If you do not care about and respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself here, why should DH or his family respect you. You can fix this, trust yourself and sort this little piece of work out.

Elle94, I am a very strong woman, as the daughter of alchoholics, I brought myself up, from the age of 6 getting myself off to school in a strange country with housework to do before and after school. By 10 I was given money to pay the rent and bills after school, no BPay etc., in those days, by 17 I was married to get out of the house, and by 30 I had three kids, the youngest a cow of a kid, never stopped crying, so by 32 I was on my own, I had a husband who was as it turned out also a drinker had no intrest in the kids, and was spending most of his wages before he even came home. I stayed single and brought those kids up on my own. They have turned out to be well mannered productive members of society who have never been unemployed, all married with children of their own and all with careers.

The kids had grown and married, and I was living on my own for 2 years before along came the man of my dreams. My soul mate was estranged from his kids when we married some 18 months later, so I had no idea what type of father he really was, he was fantastic with my kids and grandkids. However, his daughter who had no contact with him suddenly decides to remember his phone number when she wanted a new car. He of course did not say, well it's nice to hear from you, I've missed you, it has been years since I last spoke to you. I would be happy to help you with a car, but I am not in a position to buy a new one. Nope, he said nothing at all except, what kind of car would you like.

Now, long story not going into it, but, within 8 years my SD and my DH had totally destroyed every single bit of confidence I ever had. I "suffered in silence" I put up with so much, and my husband did nothing. His silence, was showing his daughter that he did not have a problem with her behaviour, and again I will not go into all of that. However, last year I told her she was never to come to my home ever again, I did this after telling my husband several times sort it out or this will be the result, the day she came here unannounced and uninvited, I came to my husband and said she had just driven up the driveway, did he want to tell her she was not welcome or did he want me to do it, of course so he could stay the nice guy he told me to do it.

This has caused pressure on the marriage sure, the special spark, that soul mate feeling, is gone, I love him, of course I do, but in a different way now, and while I miss the feelings I once had for him, I am not sorry that they have been replaced with self esteem.

Until the day of that showdown with his daughter I had no idea how broken I really was, how much he and his family had destroyed me as a person, had taken away my self confidence. I am still working on getting me back after all this time.

Strong women can be broken too. Just be aware is all I am saying.

By the way while you in your posts are eluding to another incident you need to be aware, we know nothing about that so we can only respond to what you have posted in your original post

Take comfort in the fact that she is 17 and not 7 - you don't have that much time to go with her being under your roof.

You could always wash her cups with the dog bowls if that makes you feel better }:) }:)

You are helpless without your husbands support.

Tell him you are leaving to set up housekeeping in a bachelor apartment until the kid moves out. Not a divorce just leaving temporarily. Using his credit card if possible but you sound like you're financially independent so go it alone if you must.

Take comfort here and also read what these guys have to say. I hit a low at one stage with some similar circumstances. It does feel bad but you will be ok.

Some people here are amazing how they have navigated all of these emotional storms.

DH needs to stick up for you. SD17? Does she get out a bit and have a life of her own apart from hanging with grand parents and their poor maid? I think that would help. Maybe you can get DH to concentrate on that?

ps like the idea of a bachelorette apartment. From time to time I've fantasised about that one.

DH was in denial, the old 'not my kid' syndrome. I was the bitch all the way down the line when I chastized them. I got sick and tired of it, yes, I suffered some in silence too. No one liked my honesty here? That's a shame! The crunch time came when I hear SS and SD (twins) yelling down the stairs that I am not their mom and they do not have to do as I say. OK, fine, then I am absolved of doing the 'mom' things and DH was obliged to deal with them and Then, without me to blame for anything, he saw exactly what they were up to! It took a while but I was resolute. I spent time on my hobbies, playing with the dogs and generally enjoying life. I am sorry it took all of that but now DH puts them in their places and does not take any crap from them. As long as I was willing to tolerate their crap he was willing to LET ME! I agree with the poster who said that the only person who can make changes is YOU. It does take a catalyst for that to happen and you will know when you reach that point. We all have different tolerance levels. Incidentally, I had my own pity parties at times too. This site here is a great place to vent your feelings and not be judged. A lot of us tell it like it is, you'll know when the time comes to accept what's happening and what to do about it...good luck.

So familiar. It is scary that they do have these incredibly advanced manipulation skills which really translate to the gift to spread unhappiness. If you can partially disengage whilst remaining pleasant on the surface, it does work. Really tough work when you are a straight forward no bs type of a woman. I had to do it in the end to maintain my sanity.

Elle94 when the DH starts pulling their children up immediately like you recommend it really works. Your intuition is right. Keep going and good luck. I find it amazing that my DH had to learn that skill. I thought it was one of the basics of parenting? The children will struggle for a while because if this basic has been missing they will be very put out when dad starts parenting properly. This change was the one that really removed SD's belief in her own power. Dad just saying out in the open, "Say hello and be polite when you walk in the room." or "Stop sulking at the dinner table.". Thats when you will need to give him lots of moral support. The thing is to also be on his team if he is manning up and making sure you are treated with respect in your own house. This is a great turn of events for you. Hang in there.

Well your DH is having a sit down with you and the SK's and is going to pull them up there and then when they cross the line.......Wonderful. He's not going to get it right every single time, but practice makes perfect and at least he is agreeing to it. I'd certainly stop that running to Grandma thing if I had to break both her legs to do it I am happy for you that he is at least listening.

As far as the real reason you came here, you don't have to tell anyone what your problems are, you said you weren't up to writing it here, fair enough, but have you thought about writing it down on paper for yourself. Writing things down can be very theraputic, you don't have to ever let anyone see it, but it does help to get things out.

I am sure that once you clear up the SD issue, your other problem wil seem a little lighter also.

All the best.

Holy Shit!! They say everyone in the world has a twin. I had no idea that mine was living the same life as me with my evil sd17's twin as well. In the word's of the wicked witch...."What a world, what a world!!".