How important is the stepfamily daily dinner seating arrangment?
We eat daily at the dinner table. the kitchen is small and therefore no one sits at each end of the table unless we have guests and then it is a tight fit. Four can eat comfortably. In our step family we would have daily three at the table and sometimes four consisting of dh, ss, and myself. The seating arrangement would be dh & myself on one side and ss on the other side. This was always consistent at dinner time. No problems. The only problem I would have would be when dh was not home. He works nights and would not be home for the breakfast meal unless it was his day off. I would be getting ready for work and tiding up the house but when I would step into the kitchen ss would be seating in my spot. Yes it did annoy me. I believe he did it deliberately to annoy me or to establish his dominance over the sm. What say you?
baileys added in the coffee
baileys added in the coffee
Lol.. good thought.. that's
Lol.. good thought.. that's just what I would drink when I needed something discrete in my coffee. and it was mostly not coffee. I'm having torched cherry bacradi with my meds today
I personally prefer to eat in
I personally prefer to eat in the other room where I can't see her...nose two inches from the plate, and then the noise of her teeth chomping together. But, let's not teach her any manners. Her first date should be interesting.
If you aren't eating with
If you aren't eating with them/him, why does it matter where he sits? I understand being annoyed if you all are heading to the table and he runs ahead to grab your spot.
Maybe you missed the time
Maybe you missed the time stamp on her post. She posted after I did.
She says the SS is an adult, so why is this a problem now?
Just reread the first post. This isn't something that is going on now. :?
It's like musical chairs here
It's like musical chairs here depending on who is here and eating. I have 3 different spots depending on which kids are here. It doesn't bother me, the only thing that gets to me is if I end up at the head of the table opposite SO. For some reason I hate that, it feels weird.
Sorry guys, I know you will
Sorry guys, I know you will think I just need to get over it. SS no longer lives at home. He is an adult now. This was an old issue I dealt with and it was never resolved. The subject came up the other day with friends and dh. Dh states ss was not doing it to annoy me. I disagree and just thought I would post something on hear to get your thoughts. I do realize I need to just get over it but I still want to know if anyone had similar issues. SS now has had nothing to do with us in several months.
I think you are WAY over
I think you are WAY over thinking it. Yes, let it go. Even if he was, who cares??!?!
We do not have assigned seats. We typically sit in a particular configuration, but anyone can sit anywhere- especially if we aren't all together.
I say if someone gets upset because someone used "their" seat, they are over-reacting.
Leaving a mess on the table is another story- it could be solved by leaving a placemat there and then Voila, when ss is done, move it out of the way and a clean spot for you! Or many other ways.
Turning it into some kind of showdown seems silly.
My place is at the head of
My place is at the head of the table and nobody takes my spot but maybe a guest who doesnt know better. SS was most assuredly doing it to annoy you. My SS takes his older sisters spot probably half of the time knowing shes going to come in and smack him out of it. He does it 100% just to annoy her. I just laugh... As long as they dont take my spot.
The couch, on the other hand, is a different story. SS13 takes my spot whenever he can because it is the best spot and I still havent established protocol with him for him to get out of it when I walk up. When I was a kid, my dad kicked me out of his spot every single time. I KNEW that was his spot and to just move when he came in. SS needs to learn the same thing but every single time its "Why, I was here first?" I DONT CARE, I OWN EVERYTHING HERE NOW MOVE! Then he moves just one spot over and its a fight every time... Give me space... Go sit over there.. I suspect when he watches TV with his dad hes all but sitting in his dads lap.
i do not like SD14 in my seat
i do not like SD14 in my seat and her father knows such.
however, she in theory has the better seat - the end seat. but i prefer to sit adjacent to my fiance (even when we eat out) rather than at the opposite end. it also puts my seat closer to the kitchen since im the primary cook.
I don't think it's a
I don't think it's a generation thing. Different families just have different norms.
I'm 46. Growing up we were not forced to sit on the floor. That just seems so weird to me, because it different from what I grew up doing. Whenever I hear this, I think people must have had one really small sofa in their homes. We had a huge sofa, love seat and a recliner in our living room, so there was plenty of space for everyone to get nice and comfy. Everyone I grew up with had the same set up.
My sister and I were free to have control of the TV UNTIL my mom or stepdad came into the living room. At that point they took control. We had to watch what they watched (Barnaby Jones, The Rockford Files, The Mob Squad...YUCK, YUCK, YUCK) or find something else to do.
The grown man isn't sitting
The grown man isn't sitting in any of her chairs now.
I realize it is old news and
I realize it is old news and I know I have to just get over it. I actually am seeking validation. Right or wrong that is where I am at. I have been in stepland 10 years and have gone through what most sm have. Treated like a servant, invisible, pushed out, you name it I have been through it. When it comes to the skids my dh is blind and has been from day one for the most part. I came to realize I could not take anything to him cause then I would just have to hear one more time about how wrong I was, how I misunderstood and all the other bs. I found this site and was so very excited. Finally a place where there are other that have been thought what I have been through. Others that understand. You may get tired of my bring up the history but I really am not looking for advise but validation. I go to the adult issues when I am seeking advise since that is where I will be posting current issues. I really do appreciate the frank talk here and we all know where we are at and we know if we can or can not take what ever advise is given. We live it and we know. Anyway, with all that said, I say thank you and I really do mean it. Thank You.
I can understand your need
I can understand your need for venting, validation.. closure. I have an adult SD and still have many issues with her. I often wonder did I do the right thing in this situation, how could I have handled it better.. ect... I'm new here and although my household is chaotic right now, seeking advice is great. I also would hope that if someone has an issue arise that I have already been through.. maybe share how you handled that situation and how it worked out for you
You are the parent. Put the
You are the parent. Put the kid where you want the kid. End of issue.
My table...my BD7 sits next
My table...my BD7 sits next to me and SD7 sits next to OH.....unless the SSs are there, and then they go up to the table.....its sad though, cos the girls argue over which brother to sit next too, and my BD always feels left out as SD7 reminds her that "they are not HER brothers"......I dont trust them in the lounge with food on a tray....and if they decide to come this Christmas, Ill get fold away chairs this time.....
Of course he was doing it on
Of course he was doing it on purpose. No question. Yes, I've had similar issues. It goes along with the trying to stand between us, elbowing me in the ribs, all that good stuff. Yes, it is hideous and makes you want to explode out of your skin. Yes, it is reasonable that you jawbone over it with your girlfriends even many years later. No, there's nothing wrong with still feeling irked about it, especially since it sounds like you never got it resolved.
And a big fat finger to any kid who goes to dad and complains about the grand meal I'm putting before her/him at 0 o'clock in the morning as happened to you. I've told SD15 a thousand and ten times she can help with dinner by giving me ideas beforehand, going to store with me, etc. What she can NOT do is complain about what's already on the table when she hasn't lifted a finger before the fact. Too damn bad, missy. 2 years in, that is one message she seems to have sort of somewhat gotten.
Furthermore, a big fat finger to the esposo who tries to dial up menu items from me like room service with him as concierge acting for the royal guests. Um, no. We can all work as a team like normal humans or you can accept what's set in front of you with graciousness and manners. Period.
This post made me giggle a
This post made me giggle a bit because it reminded me of our situation in the early days of SO and I dating. SO and BM had 50/50 then and he would pick me up on his weekends to spend it with them. The first time we sat down at the dining table, the arrangement was: SO at the head, SD on his right and SS on his left. At dinner, SO placed my plate at the opposite end of the table. I was fine with it and things were good. This was Friday night. On Saturday night, he got skids to set the table. SD placed my placemat next to SS. No big deal, I was fine with it. Then SO said he wanted to sit next to me..and moved his placemat opposite me, next to SD. Not even 2 minutes into our meal, SD casually places her arm on the back of SO's chair, and starts playing with his hair. Twirling it around her fingers and shooting me these weird looks. I felt a bit uncomfortable, but put it out of my mind as a show of affection (remember, I didn't know about mini-wife behaviours back then).
Well. I don't know if that made SO uncomfortable or not..but after that.. we all sat in the lounge (SO and I side by side, SS in his own chair and SD in her own chair).
When SO and I moved in together.. we got the skids to set the dining table. SD ran to organise the place mats. SO at the head, SD on the right, SS on the left, me on the far right and my BS on the far left. I walked in there and changed it to: SO at the head, me on his right, SS on his left, SD next to SS and my BS on my right. When she saw what I'd done she glared at her Dad waiting to see if he'd say anything. Nope - nada. That seating arrangement stays that way today, even though she no longer graces us with her presence.
It was yet another learning experience for me in this new game of mini-wife manipulation. You'd think it childish if you didn't understand the true meaning behind these little actions.
Seating arrangements were an
Seating arrangements were an unspoken agreement in my house growing up, and continue to be today. Things get a little chaotic if we have dinner guests over, but usually everything can be arranged to satisfaction. My skids understand about "my spots" and will either avoid or vacate them if I come into the room. Thankfully, SD9 has abandoned many of her original "possessive" behaviors towards her father (clinging, pushing her way in between us, sitting in his lap constantly, etc) although she will occasionally sit in my seat at the table if I'm not eating (breakfast meal, snack time, homework time). How much of that is related to it being across from her brother rather than next to him I'm not sure. SS13 tends to sit in odd places (laundry baskets) in lieu of real seats like the couch or a chair.
Growing up there were four of
Growing up there were four of us after my youngest brother died. He died when I was 8 and my surviving brother was 2. Mom, Dad, me, little brother ate dinner together nearly every night. With 4 is is pretty easy. Dad and mom were on the ends and my brother and me each got a side. I would suggest some varient of that. You and DH on either ends and the kids on the sides . Your kid and the same gendered Skid can share a side with yours nearest to you and his nearest to him. Or, you and DH take a long side of the table side by side and put the kids opposite you both.
Order everyone how you want them.
IMHO of course. Good luck.