give me strength....
fiance is receiving a work related award tonight. his boss will be there.
SD13 will also be there. fiance will be up on stage, ill be in the audience next to SD. i know she will be on that damn phone the entire time looking stupid and rude. everyone will think she's my kid. im embarrassed for my fiance that his boss will see the disaster known as his daughter.
i have no idea what she's going to look like at pick up today (again, she was told to dress appropriately by my fiance, no bra straps showing, and he stressed to her that his boss and work colleagues will be there).
we are also supposed to go out to a nice restaurant afterwards for dinner. I wish we didnt have to, but i dont want to deny him this dinner. but again, more embarrassment as we will be at a 5 star restaurant with SD eating her food with her hands, feet up on chair, etc.
this whole evening would be so much more meaningful and memorable if it was just him and I. i am so stressed out right now.
"live feed" lol
"live feed" lol
i wish she were not going.
i wish she were not going. not my choice.
SD is going because 1, its his visitation day, and 2, he wants her there. I think deep down he wants her there as a way to say to her "i am better than your mother, she's done nothing with her life". while this is true, the piece he doesnt get is that SD DOESNT CARE! She thinks her mother has done just fine in life, living off of others.
believe you me, if i was in charge the phone would not be there. but fiance lets her have it because "all the kids have them". and even when he tells her no phone (like at the wedding we went to recently) she defies him and brings it anyway because NOTHING HAPPENS.
i have actually said to people "she's not my child". but people dont get it. and if i was the sitter, i would have authority to make rules and be in charge when she is alone with me. they see adult and child, adult is responsible for the child no matter who birthed it.
OK, although the good answer
OK, although the good answer would be to not bring her along...clearly it means a lot to your DH to have her there or he wouldn't be taking her.
SO...
Have a backup outfit ready and time to make her change if necessary. Then, he needs to take her phone away before you go inside and leave it in the car. And NO giving her the keys to "get something she forgot" out of the car. (Yes, I do think he'd be that stupid. They all are.)
havent had time to deal with
havent had time to deal with the clothing problem. im still trying to convince my fiance to let me buy a few reasonably priced outfits for her to keep at our place. he refuses to spend money on clothes for her.
im hoping she surprises me tonight and at least looks appropriate (ill never get the table manners fixed). the one positive is that even if she is embarrassing at dinner, its not like we will ever see those people again (all strangers). however, if she is dressed hideously for the evening that will reflect on us because we WILL see his boss and colleagues again.
I'm coming back to an old
I'm coming back to an old theme with my answer - you can't change SD. You can't change DH. All you can change is YOU. Why on earth do you care if some random stranger thinks SD is your responsibility and that her behavior makes you a bad parent? Listen, I'm a bio mom, so let me tell you my feelings on that. I do the best I can, but children are not robots you can program to behave a certain way. Sometimes they do inappropriate things. And to some Judgy McJudgerpants who glares at me because my son says or does something she thinks is inappropriate, I say fuck 'em. Other than in cases of abuse of some sort (obviously), NO ONE has the right to judge you as a mom or as a stepmom. And you damn well ought to spit in the eye of anyone stupid enough to do so.
So don't worry about SD being "embarrassing". Just refuse to be embarrassed. Roll your eyes, think to yourself "teenagers suck", and enjoy the hell out of your FDH's big night.
but these arent random
but these arent random strangers Ally....this is fiance's boss and his work colleagues.
and i respectfully disagree that you cant "program" them to "behave". you absolutely can teach a child to have good table manners and you CAN say "no" and take away devices when its not appropriate to have them. you CAN have control over their clothing choices. Problem is, in this case neither of her parents cares or wants to RAISE and PARENT this child. I know that for my fiance the end goals is just get to 18, get to 18.
i think how your kids behave
i think how your kids behave is an overall reflection of your character. i would think much less of my co-workers if their children came to my home and acted like hooligans with no reprimand by their parents. if that makes me judgy so be it.
*lol* This is kind of
Yep, makes you judgy. You, IMO, have the absolute right to make that judgement though. However (and this is what I was trying to tell you above) your coworkers should absolutely not care one little bit about your judgement. THEY have the right to refuse to accept your "judgement", to ignore it, or even to feel scorn for you for making it. You've got the right to judge - but NOT to make that judgement their problem, you know? Same with you at the dinner. People might have the right to feel whatever they want about SD and her behavior - they DO NOT have the right to force you to accept that their judgement, or to make you feel badly about yourself because of her behavior. Only you can do that.
"even if she is embarrassing
"even if she is embarrassing at dinner, its not like we will ever see those people again (all strangers)"
And I'm sure his boss and his work colleagues know he is divorced and that you are NOT SD's mother. So the only people who's opinion you legitimately care about KNOW this isn't your responsibility.
Well, the thing is that kids are their own people. They make their own choices. Sometimes (especially with teens) those choices SUCK. Just so you know where I'm coming from, my SD17 is pregnant. It's a freaking MESS. And my DH is blaming himself, he should have "done more", yada yada yada. He's a good dad, he's not a Disney Dad, he's got rules and consequences and he's not scared of his kids. But it happened anyway, despite my DH not because of him. Because you can't control everything a kid does - they make their own choices and their own mistakes, sometimes despite everything you can do, no matter HOW well you parent. That's something I've been trying to say to him - sometimes they screw up and it is not your fault. So don't worry about people who judge you - they're not in your shoes, they have NO IDEA what you go through or how much (or how little) control you have over the situation and they have no business judging you.
YOU are not this girl's parent. YOU are not responsible for how she dresses or eats. So I stand by my advice - spit in the eye of anyone who dares to judge you for HER bad choices. Refuse to accept that they have a right to judge you, because they don't.
Edited to add: I didn't want to change it at this point, but I used the wrong phrase there. It's no so much the "right to judge you" as it is "the right to make you accept their judgement". Just for clarity.
i thought about faking an
i thought about faking an illness or migraine to get out of going...but then i was like, no way! i want to be there for him, he's worked so hard and i dont think i should have to miss it.
this is the last event we have for awhile thank goodness. the dreaded photo shoot i have control over and then we have a baptism this fall but im already planning on buying the outfit for that. and that one if i have to i can miss if its too much to deal with.
Well, if I were in your shoes
Well, if I were in your shoes I'd do 3 things: 1. Lock the phone in the glove compartment. 2. Have a shrug or cardigan on hand if she's dressed like a tramp. 3. Don't allow her to order anything messy, or alternately like OP said, seat her w/DH and you sit away from them. Good luck Girl.
Be proud of your DH and try to salvage some fun out of the night. NO phone and NO trampy clothes- the manners might be a lost cause with this one. (gross)
You are definitely in my
You are definitely in my thoughts! Ugh...it is a business function...DH should have found a place to for SD to stay for the evening. A grandparent, aunt, anything? She is probably going to be the only kid there. It is obvious that DH hasn't thought about how that will make him look. There are just certain places that aren't for kids...well behaved or not! Business functions like this are one of them. It isn't like it is the company picnic at a water slide or theme park. This is a dress up affair that typically is intended for the adults only...especially if there is a dinner at such a high class establishment following the affair!
she could have stayed home
she could have stayed home with her mother. but he wants her there!
if i try to take away the
if i try to take away the phone the kid will whine and fiance wont back me up. he'll say "she can have it" and then of course SD knows i have no pull. not worth demonstrating that to SD.
im paying for dinner and i already told him she is ordering from the children's menu. that i have full say on because im paying. the kid eats 2 bites and wastes food like nobody's business. she does not need an adult entree.
i made the mistake of asking if i need to sit with her at the award ceremony and that went over like a lead balloon. he'll be on stage, and im "expected" to sit right next to SD.
i dont pay for a damn thing
i dont pay for a damn thing relative to his kid. i am paying for dinner tonight because i want to celebrate with him. no different than me paying for a birthday dinner for him or something else meant as a gift/celebration.
he's fine with the kid meal.
he's fine with the kid meal. the wasting of food is the one thing he and i actually agree on.
and we're talking $13.95 vs. $40 plus alacarte sides. so it is a huge difference.
I can see where OP is coming
I can see where OP is coming from on this one. The point isn't so much this one meal...it's the pattern. DH gives me this look every single time we go out, because I insist SD15 pick something off of the kid menu. Same reason...she NEVER finishes a plate...not even close! Over time, that $10/meal adds up! All the meals SD15 has thrown away would have equated a vacation, and I'm just talking the last couple of years! She eats 2 bites, says she is full, PROMISES that THIS time she will eat her left overs, and two weeks later, I'm throwing the science experiment in the trash! DH doesn't eat the leftovers either, and it is usually something I can't eat (considering that SD15 usually only gets pasta, something fried, or pizza and I'm allergic to wheat). Just this Father's Day...we went to Red Lobster. SD15 was looking at the menu making this face. I suggested that we ask for a kids' menu and have her pick something off of that. DH insisted no. So she got this $13 plate of food, at two bites, disappeared to the bathroom (like always during/after a meal), and then said she was done. As always, she claimed she would eat it the next day for lunch. Nope!!! Luckily in this case, because school is out and BS19 is working the closing shift, I was able to get BS19 to eat the leftovers so they didn't go to waste.
But every single time!!! She will down 3 glasses of soda, take two bites, and not eat the rest of her food!
"...two bites, disappeared to
"...two bites, disappeared to the bathroom (like always during/after a meal)"
Anorexic or bulemic?
Been suspecting eating
Been suspecting eating disorders for some time now. She disappears to the bathroom during or right after meals...if during, doesn't eat anymore after she comes back. She goes through periods of eating all the junk food in sight, with frequent bathroom trips...and then periods of not eating at all. I'm not the only one who has noticed it and mentioned it to DH, either. Several family members and friends have pointed it out, too. She isn't super skinny, so DH doesn't thinks she has a problem...only that she "doesn't eat right" (never eats vegetables, rarely eats anything of any value...when she does eat, it is always junk). SD15 does have pudge in the tummy area...quite the muffin-top going like it seems most girls her age do these days. He uses that as justification that she doesn't have an eating disorder, but he doesn't realize that most bulimics are NOT underweight...many are overweight because they do not understand that sugary drinks are massive calories, and that the body starts to process the food before they have a chance to purge it, especially on longer binges (like SD15 does sometimes).
and to be fair, we always
and to be fair, we always tell SD that if she is STILL hungry after hte kid meal we will get her more food. and you know what? more often than not she eats 90% of the kid meal, and then grabs her stomach and says "oh, im full". she never once has asked for more food but we never would deny her if she were hungry.
Well, if your expected to sit
Well, if your expected to sit with her you have every right to lock her cell phone in the glove compartment! Sheesh! Don't let your DH run over you! Tell him if she's allowed to bring her phone in, it'll be too embarrassing for you to sit with her! Why should you have to babysit her and pay for her dinner if he won't let you have at least the bare minimum of standards? ridiculous.
If HE wants her there but is
If HE wants her there but is not going to be able to supervise her, then what you say, goes.
So, he needs to back you up on the no cellphone, get her something decent to wear (which can be done at thrift stores), and let her know that she is to act appropriately or else. And there needs to be definite consequences if she doesn't behave.
If it turns out like you fear, I would never go to another function that he insists on taking SD to. This is his chance and if he chooses not to parent and teach his kid some manners, well.....
i agree and what you say
i agree and what you say makes sense. but this man refuses to parent or discipline his child. she is never punished by either of her parents and is allowed to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, no consequences. he tries to make idle threats but again she just defies him becuase she knows he doesnt mean what he says.
he hates conflict. he'd rather she be happy with her phone and hand-eating than to have her mad at him for taking something away or holding her to an expectation. he's a total pussy!
Then I wouldn't go.
Then I wouldn't go.
as a side note, i was telling
as a side note, i was telling a friend about all of this stuff just last night. in all seriousness she looked at me and said, "was this child planned?". and she told me she asked that question because she said that based on what i told her of the situation, it sounded like neither of her parents wanted her since they refuse to parent her. this came after to told her the kid eats meatballs in sauce with her hands.
they are on their way now to
they are on their way now to pick me up.... sigh....
Seriously, I wouldn't even
Seriously, I wouldn't even acknowledge her the entire evening! I've gotten pretty good with doing that with SD15 during outings. You can tell that it drives SD15 nuts (as I can see out the corner of my eye or tell by her attitude toward DH), but it usually makes her just sit there in silence the entire time!
Just go by a big pink "Worlds
Just go by a big pink "Worlds Greatest Step Mom" key chain and leave your keys on the table where anyone noticing your SD's live feed eating habits or other nasty behaviors will get the message very clearly.
Beyond that, enjoy your DH's evening of recognition for his success. This is about him afterall.
Good luck.